Regular vomiting as a habit

[ghostspaces]

Hi everyone

I am a 25 year old guy with a stable job and no history of mental illness and no obvious problems. And still I have been living with a secret: whenever I feel bored or stressed or sometimes simply because I've eaten too much I throw up. It's a habit that's become so normal to me that I regularly forget that it's not in fact normal.
I have tried Google and I researched the topic but only came to the conclusion that I must be the only person with this 'problem' or literally no one ever discusses it.
I'm literally just looking for people with similar experiences.
My issue is that I know this is neither healthy nor 'normal' yet to me it feels that way. And yet, if it really feels so normal to me, then why do I keep it a secret?
If anyone has similar experience or knows some information on this issue, please let me know.

Thanks a lot

[Auror.]

Hi,

I am a bit curious why you posted this in an eating disorder forum if you also view it as a normal behavior. Do you think you might have an eating disorder? This isn't meant to be a trick question or to imply your post does not belong here. I just wondered whether you completely view this as normal or if as you said a part of you is aware it might be indicative of something else.

What you are describing - making yourself throw up due to either uncomfortable emotions or eating too much does sound like disordered eating. It is something that plenty of other folks I know do or have done in the past. You absolutely aren't the only one.

Do you think you might be able to bring this up to a medical doctor, like a GP? It is definitely something that can cause very real and very serious health issues and you deserve to have support.

[ghostspaces]

Hi Auror (cool name/avatar!),

no, I don't consider it as normal or I wouldn't have kept it a secret for so long. I guess it's just has become such a constant in my life that I rarely question it anymore. Until I do and think "****, what are you doing".

I have never heard of people doing this without having bulimia which I 100% don't. I have never heard of people doing something gross and unhealthy for fun (ok drugs maybe). Yet I do exactly that.

If I sound very nonchalant about it that's because I am. I feel strangely detached from myself at times, like observing a strange insect. A sort of weird, gross insect.

[Auror.]

So I think one important distinction to make is that you can have disordered eating habits or behaviors without them actually being a full blown eating disorder. I don't know what country you are in, but this article sort of explains the difference between the two.

If as you say you 100% don't have bulimia, how come you posted this in an eating disorder forum? Also, even if you did have bulimia, would you judge yourself harshly or view yourself differently? (Not saying you do or don't as we cannot diagnose here, just again trying to give you some things to think about.)

Either way, is this something you could bring up to a medical provider, like a GP or someone else? It sounds like you've got a lot going on emotionally (ironically detachment can actually be a way to deal with overwhelming or confusing emotions) so maybe some support would not be a bad idea to consider.

[ghostspaces]

The reason why I posted it in this section is that I think it's the most accurate one. Or rather: I don't know where else it would be appropriate.

If it turned out I did have bulimia I would feel rather stupid for not realising it earlier. Fact is, I do fit some of the criteria. While at the same time having very different reasons and intentions.
I have been thinking about this on and off for a long time. Without ever reaching a conclusion. Then I give up and ignore the issue completely. Before it comes up again.
As I stated before I'm a moderately happy guy with a stable lifestyle and no mental issues. I just for some unfathomable reason regularly stick my fingers down my throat like it's the most casual thing in the world.

I can't imagine discussing it with doctors. At the same time I wonder what will happen if i keep doing it. I have surprisingly good teeth, I'm normal weight and have no obvious health issues but sometimes I still feel the effects and that's when I usually start thinking about it.

[Auror.]

You said in your original post that you do it when you're feeling bored, stressed, or like you've eaten too much. Those aren't for no reason at all. Those are actually fairly common reasons to do so. Just because you have a good or stable life doesn't mean you can't also have struggles, or that you always cope in the healthiest ways.

What makes discussing it with a doctor sound so impossible?

[ghostspaces]

Well I don't feel like I'm struggling. I literally can't complain right now.
I suppose one could argue: would I feel bad if I didn't throw up regularly? Like a preventative measure of sorts?

What's keeping me from talking to a GP is that normal people would say it's absolutely disgusting. I don't want people to see me as this gross human being.

[Auror.]

I think you asked yourself good questions. Would you feel different if you stopped throwing up? Would it be hard for you not to do it?

I don't think a GP would think you were a gross human being. I think they'd want to try to help figure out a way for you to stop doing it if possible and make sure that if it is something you are continuing to do, you are minimizing the harm you are doing to your body.

[ghostspaces]

I get stressed when I can't find an opportunity to do it. Mostly I do it at work which comes with a certain risk.

I keep asking myself: why do I do it? I can't find an answer to that.

Last time I did it was this weekend. Was out with friends, had a good time. We got Mexican food and some drinks. I threw up in the restaurant toilet. No reason at all. Went back to the others like nothing happened. I literally can't find a single reason or explanation.

[Aardbei]

Out of interest - do you ever feel any sort of negative emotion prior to the urge/decision to throw up? Even something minor like a little bit stressed or annoyed?