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Old 26-09-2020, 05:41 PM   #2541
one_step_closer
The Shadow of the Day
 
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I can't do this. And suicide is never going to work.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 27-09-2020, 11:15 AM   #2542
one_step_closer
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I don't know what to do. There's a lot of stuff going on with the other world and this may sound stupid but it's not loud it's pushing and pulling. I need to talk to someone. I need my CPN but I don't know if she ever understands what I say. No one understands what I say, so I'm very alone. The next time I'm speaking to someone is on the 30th and I can't prepare because whatever I say it isn't under and I don't want to write stuff for them because it makes me more anxious and a lot of the time I'm speaking it's the other person takes the lead so doesn't go the way I need to go. I wish my CPN was back.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 27-09-2020, 05:24 PM   #2543
Darkwings44
 
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*hugs you* i dont know what to say... but im sending you my love if thats ok <3



just another floating iceberg in this ocean we call life....



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Old 28-09-2020, 01:14 PM   #2544
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I have no advice but I have faith that you will get through this. Sending love x



with Christ I hang upon the cross

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Old 28-09-2020, 05:26 PM   #2545
one_step_closer
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Thank you.

It's getting worse. The other world are trying to figure out what to do with me. But they're doing it quietly behind the black curtain. I feel like I haven't spoken to anyone from the CMHT regularly enough. I am lonely. There are huge spaces to get lost in. Looking in front of me is my living room and there are no people here, no kind people who understand me in my whole house. Then I walk out side and no one talks to me and I go back to my empty house. There is a huge pull towards suicide. But you know me, I never get it right. I am not fully visible. There is no peace.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 28-09-2020, 08:57 PM   #2546
yoyogirl
 
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Hey how are things now for you I hope you are okay.



Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? Maybe I was just crazy. Maybe it was the 60's. Or maybe I was just a girl... interrupted.
I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside. I tried groups, didn't work out just made my depression a lot worse.

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Old 28-09-2020, 09:53 PM   #2547
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Hey just to say that im thinking of you have been for quite a while and that ive been where u are now and things did improve for me in a lot of ways i believe in u uve got this . Sometimes courage doesnt always roar sometimes courage is a tiny voice saying i will try again tomorrow my fav quote is that. Anyway i used to struggle to b understood people couldnt make out what i said wen i was ill and speaking to them but mostly this is alot better for me now. I feel ur frustration and ur pain i really hope things improve for u soon hugs if u want them

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Old Yesterday, 12:44 PM   #2548
one_step_closer
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Thanks.

The CPN didn't phone. I had a phone appointment with her at 10am. I started waiting at 9am and it went past 10am then I decided I'd give her till 11am but still nothing. I went to get my prescription thinking it might actually be 1pm she was going to call but I've still heard nothing back. Maybe I'm wrong so I'll give her till 1pm because I might have mixed the time up somehow. I really need to talk to someone.

But I can't really talk to anyone anyway.

I've been doing a couple of versions of self harm to try and get some peace. It's very very short time peace but I'll take it.

I don't want the cpn to phone today anyway because the time is wrong and I need time to prepare. I have a list of things I want to say but if she phones out of the blue I'll be overwhelmed and I might not be able to get much of it said.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old Yesterday, 04:58 PM   #2549
EyelinerAndCigarettes
 
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Waiting for your CPN to ring sounds really stressful for you *hugs if they are OK* - did she ring in time? I'm thinking of you x







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Old Yesterday, 05:23 PM   #2550
one_step_closer
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My own CPN is off sick. The CPN who was supposed to phone me today didn't.

I feel really mentally unwell and it's hard to explain. I look fine and I can't find the words. It's harder here, in the evening. It's MASSIVE. I'm drowning very quietly.

I wish suicide was easy. There's no reason to continue with life.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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