Live Help


Forum Jump
Post New Thread  Reply
Old 07-04-2021, 08:29 PM   #1
[Luna]
 
[Luna]'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: UK
Things are spiralling

I am sorry for restarting my thread. Things are getting worse and I feel confused and increasingly hopeless.

I'm trying to find the words.

It's relentless. Horrible intrusive images of the people I love being tortured. The demonic voices telling me I'm evil, I belong in hell and punishment, that I needto do what they say otherwise they'll hurt the people I care about.

My skin in crawling, when I dissociate I think there are spiders under my skin and I've been scratching at myself so covered in sores.
I've been having loads of flashbacks and nightmares at night.

One of the voices (I'll call her T) says she's going to kill us soon. She wants to die and says it's what we need to do. It's hard for me to argue when I don't disagree.
I feel so useless. I don't have anything to offer anyone. I am a burden to the ones I love and I feel like their lives would be easier without me. However, I know how much pain I would cause if I killed myself.

Things have been really hard for a really long time, it feels utterly relentless and I'm just tired. I'm tired...

I don't know what to do anymore.



A splintered brain
Mentally reframed
The threat spits
And we split again
Shattered
On the outside composed
No one knows
Just how deep the scar goes


[Luna] is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 07-04-2021, 10:39 PM   #2
Harbour
 
Harbour's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: London
I am currently:

I’m sorry it’s so very hard.

They were hard for a long time and then you got pregnant with J and you had a better year. Things can change.

Have you managed to talk to anyone about how you’re feeling? J/counsellor?

Harbour is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-04-2021, 06:18 AM   #3
Unbreakable.
Official Unofficial Meet Mod
 
Unbreakable.'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
I am currently:

I wish I had something more useful to say but I wanted to at least remind you that I love you and I am one hundred percent sure the world is a better place with you in it <3

Unbreakable. is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-04-2021, 09:36 AM   #4
[Luna]
 
[Luna]'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: UK

The last two years have been relentless and I don't know how much more I can take. I'm just existing, there's no living anymore.
Then I think, who brings a beautiful child into this world and then abandons them?
he deserves so much better than me.

It's like I'm waiting around for someone to tell me it's okay, that I can go now. That's not going to happen though.
So I'm trapped. Trapped with the demons, the images, the threats, reliving trauma as though it's happening all over again, people watching me in the streets, the pain, the fear, the screaming - blood, rot, destruction.

I'm lost, I'm tired and I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel.



A splintered brain
Mentally reframed
The threat spits
And we split again
Shattered
On the outside composed
No one knows
Just how deep the scar goes


[Luna] is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 11-04-2021, 08:28 PM   #5
Unbreakable.
Official Unofficial Meet Mod
 
Unbreakable.'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
I am currently:

How are things going today?
It seems like the intensity of your symptoms is constantly high and hard to take.

Unbreakable. is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-04-2021, 08:46 PM   #6
Zurg
Evil Emperor
 
Zurg's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: The TARDIS
I am currently:

Oh Luna, your child does NOT deserve someone better, he deserves YOU. And you are just what he needs and what everyone who knows you needs. No matter the darkness and the fear and the hell it brings, trust me when i say that people prefer it as long as you are here. You are enough!!!! Enough of a mum, partner and everything else.

Please hold on!!!! Leaving this world would not make it a better place. I trust that you Will find someone who Will know how to help you. They are out there.

This feeling of the evil being inside you is not true. You are one of the most gentle people on here. Yes, you struggle but that does not taint you with anything bad or remotely evil <3

Zurg is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-04-2021, 10:39 AM   #7
[Luna]
 
[Luna]'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: UK

Thank you both so, so much for your replies <3

The weekend was really difficult.

I had my check in with my counsellor this morning. I was honest with her. She was really kind and understand. She said she wished she could help me more than she is at the moment. At the end we both admitted that we didn't know what to say.

I don't really know what to do with myself. I feel lost.



A splintered brain
Mentally reframed
The threat spits
And we split again
Shattered
On the outside composed
No one knows
Just how deep the scar goes


[Luna] is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 13-04-2021, 08:55 PM   #8
Unbreakable.
Official Unofficial Meet Mod
 
Unbreakable.'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
I am currently:

I am sorry things are so bleak.

Is there any way in which you could get more intense professional support that would genuinely be helpful?
(I feel I know the answer as the NHS loves its waiting lists!)

Is there anything the people around you could do?
I think it might be worth having a talk with your mum re healthy boundaries versus her throwing all her woe at you when you are having such a difficult time.

Anything we can do to help?

Unbreakable. is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13-04-2021, 09:06 PM   #9
[Luna]
 
[Luna]'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: UK

I'm going to perfectly honest. The NHS services won't touch me. They have ignored urgent referrals from my GP, Home treatment team, my health visitor and Social Services. They kept saying they would attend family meetings when I was under social services and every time nobody showed up.

They have nothing to offer me. The CCG wouldn't even fund my diagnostic assessment with the trauma clinic, despite loads of evidence to say it would be beneficial to access relevant help and save them money in the long run (Less need for HTT/A&E attendance/Hospital admissions etc).
They have given up. That's what it feels like anymore.

Any help I get I have to fund myself. I'm very lucky that my counsellor provides me with a 50 minutes session and 30 minute check in for the price of one session and she has experience with my particular (suspected - still to be confirmed) diagnoses. She's amazing but she has her limitations and I know she is very angry/frustrated with the mental health services, as is everyone else.

I wish I knew what would help. Having a place to vent here is helpful so thank you guys for listening and caring xx



A splintered brain
Mentally reframed
The threat spits
And we split again
Shattered
On the outside composed
No one knows
Just how deep the scar goes


[Luna] is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 13-04-2021, 09:31 PM   #10
Harbour
 
Harbour's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: London
I am currently:

Love you. I want to hit community services over the head for what they’ve done to you. It shouldn’t be this way and it isn’t your fault.

Harbour is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14-04-2021, 12:34 PM   #11
[Luna]
 
[Luna]'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: UK

Love you too. It’s hard not to feel like they view me as a waste of time and not worth helping.



A splintered brain
Mentally reframed
The threat spits
And we split again
Shattered
On the outside composed
No one knows
Just how deep the scar goes


[Luna] is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 14-04-2021, 02:54 PM   #12
Unbreakable.
Official Unofficial Meet Mod
 
Unbreakable.'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
I am currently:

Their incompetence and lack of resources are not a reflection on you as a person, I hope that you know that.

You are caring, witty, smart, creative and a lot of other excellent things and most definitely worthy and deserving of ALL the help in the world.

Unbreakable. is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14-04-2021, 05:58 PM   #13
EyelinerAndCigarettes
 
EyelinerAndCigarettes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
I am currently:

Just wanted to echo what has already been said and send my love <3 You are certainly worth helping.







EyelinerAndCigarettes is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 15-04-2021, 09:50 AM   #14
[Luna]
 
[Luna]'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: UK

You guys are so much lovelier than I could ever deserve.

I made the virtual meet yesterday which was lovely, but then the rest of the evening and night were really hard. I feel exhausted and so low and suicidal. I always feel guilty when the thoughts are strong.

The demons are screeching at me about this being the end and telling me what hell is going to be like.



A splintered brain
Mentally reframed
The threat spits
And we split again
Shattered
On the outside composed
No one knows
Just how deep the scar goes


[Luna] is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 15-04-2021, 02:43 PM   #15
Auror.
Aurors for the win.
 
Auror.'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Godric's Hollow

It was good to talk to you at the meet. Sorry you had a rough night after. :(

I dunno. These demons do not sound trustworthy to me. I do not see any reason why what they are saying is the truth.



Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.


You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.


Auror. is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15-04-2021, 06:51 PM   #16
[Luna]
 
[Luna]'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: UK

I’m really struggling. My mood is getting lower and lower. I feel so hopeless.
The demons are screeching, showing me images of hell.
I need to get some of the evil out.
I can’t focus. I have no energy or motivation. It just feels dark.



A splintered brain
Mentally reframed
The threat spits
And we split again
Shattered
On the outside composed
No one knows
Just how deep the scar goes


[Luna] is online now   Reply With Quote
Old Yesterday, 04:48 PM   #17
[Luna]
 
[Luna]'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: UK

I hurt myself because the demons were saying they were take over and make me hang myself. They are telling me to go deeper. They are showing me images of them hurting my little boy.
I don’t know what to do



A splintered brain
Mentally reframed
The threat spits
And we split again
Shattered
On the outside composed
No one knows
Just how deep the scar goes


[Luna] is online now   Reply With Quote
Old Yesterday, 05:30 PM   #18
Unbreakable.
Official Unofficial Meet Mod
 
Unbreakable.'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
I am currently:

Is there someone that you can reach out to in person?

If you are unsafe and alone I think you might have to get yourself to a & e as much as that sucks. Take this one minute at a time. They are lying to you to manipulate you, I am 100% convinced that your son is safe.

Unbreakable. is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Yesterday, 07:27 PM   #19
[Luna]
 
[Luna]'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: UK

J is home now. She knows about the self harm and I have told her how unsafe I feel.

A&E would just cause issues and it’s against the rules.
I don’t know what to do myself, I’m struggling to focus and the voices keep interfering with my thoughts.



A splintered brain
Mentally reframed
The threat spits
And we split again
Shattered
On the outside composed
No one knows
Just how deep the scar goes


[Luna] is online now   Reply With Quote
Old Yesterday, 07:31 PM   #20
Unbreakable.
Official Unofficial Meet Mod
 
Unbreakable.'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
I am currently:

Does loud music help or is it more likely going to make it worse?
Or maybe listening to white noise might take the edge of things somewhat?

Unbreakable. is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Members Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Censor is OFF
Forum Jump


Sea Pink Aroma
All times are GMT +1. The time now is 05:12 PM.