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Old 11-02-2021, 08:11 PM   #1
Ahimsa
 
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ADULT // Moving on after assault.

Hi.

So I was sexually assaulted coming up 3 years ago. I still can't use the word, I had 12 counselling sessions but that's it.

I've been single for the past 7 years, so it's not like it's an imminent issue, but I can't even consider being intimate with anyone anymore. I've even been putting off my smear test for the last 3 years and I'm trying to get to a point where that's something I can face, because it's important.

I bought myself a "toy" recently to try and get used to the feeling (I'm a gay woman so not really used to much being "up there") but even the thought of it terrifies me.

ANY advice would be appreciated.

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Old 12-02-2021, 11:47 PM   #2
Pomegranate
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I don’t have any advice I’m afraid. I may do in the future but am coming up to a similar ‘anniversary’ so can’t really think too much into it. I didn’t want you to think you were alone or that nobody had read though. I think this is a topic quite a few members will have experience with but as you are aware, it’s difficult to talk about. I did manage my smear test last year, but not going to lie....it was difficult. But not because of anything the nurse said or did or the procedure, that in itself was actually WAY easier than I thought it would be. But the build up was really intense. Seems silly now given how easy the procedure was but I think the anxiety was more to do with my own concerns about freaking out or dissociating, rather than what the nurse was doing. Do you have any grounding techniques that you use when things are triggering? And also, do you have a good relationship with your GP nurse?





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Old 13-02-2021, 01:08 PM   #3
Ahimsa
 
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Thank you so much for replying.

I have no relationship with my drs, I moved to them in March (just before lockdown) because my old Drs gave me someone else's results and triggered my PTSD and told me to get over it when I complained. PALS weren't dealing with complaints and referred me back to the GP in question!

I haven't ever met anyone from my new practice as its all been over the phone so far.

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Old 13-02-2021, 08:38 PM   #4
Darkwings44
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i can relete to what your going through.... im not sure if i can help you but im sending you love and comfort!!! *hugs you*



just another floating iceberg in this ocean we call life....


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Is misery what I deserve
Am I just so void of love
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Old 14-02-2021, 11:37 PM   #5
Ahimsa
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Darkwings44 View Post
i can relete to what your going through.... im not sure if i can help you but im sending you love and comfort!!! *hugs you*
Thank you x

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Old 25-02-2021, 12:13 AM   #6
Ahimsa
 
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I booked it and the only day I could get a double appointment is the day after the anniversary of what happened.

Oh and I'm going to work 3 hours later.

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Old 25-02-2021, 05:53 AM   #7
Auror.
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is it possible to take the day off work so you can try to go home and relax/do some comforting things after?



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Old 25-02-2021, 10:32 AM   #8
Ahimsa
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Auror. View Post
is it possible to take the day off work so you can try to go home and relax/do some comforting things after?
If I panic, I then have to come home to an empty house where I probably won't be safe. If I have the commitment of going to work (3 hours later) I have time to panic but also a commitment that I need to be safe for otherwise my team will be short staffed for the day.


Last edited by Ahimsa : 25-02-2021 at 09:25 PM. Reason: .
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Old 25-02-2021, 06:54 PM   #9
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Oh, I see. That makes sense and is really smart of you to plan that way then.



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Old 02-04-2021, 02:32 PM   #10
Ahimsa
 
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The appointment is Tuesday.
The anniversary is Monday.

and because of covid, no one can come. I'm not even allowed a hug until June.

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Old 06-04-2021, 09:02 AM   #11
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well I couldn't do it.

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Old 06-04-2021, 02:48 PM   #12
Auror.
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I'm so sorry. Do you want to talk about what happened?



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Old 06-04-2021, 08:28 PM   #13
Ahimsa
 
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We tried 6 times and I freaked out after each one and after the 6th I said no more. I was dizzy and faint and its too much

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Old 06-04-2021, 08:30 PM   #14
Auror.
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It was really brave of you to try! Are you trying to do things to take care of yourself and calm down now?



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Old 06-04-2021, 08:33 PM   #15
Ahimsa
 
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I worked all day, it was so busy I couldn't not - there were still over 80 emails from the weekend when we left at 8pm. I so much wanted to crawl into bed but I couldn't. I did message my manager and say I had a traumatic appointment today and feel awful so may need a rest tomorrow.

I also texted my former counsellor to see if she can help me or guide me to someone who can.

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Old 06-04-2021, 09:06 PM   #16
Darkwings44
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*safe hugs you*



just another floating iceberg in this ocean we call life....


Am I a failure from birth
Is misery what I deserve
Am I just so void of love
That I'm never good, never good enough
~citizen soldier-never good enough

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Old 06-04-2021, 09:08 PM   #17
Ahimsa
 
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this is all my fault and its just a mess.

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Old 06-04-2021, 09:32 PM   #18
Auror.
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None of this is your fault. It sounds like you're trying really really hard to do all the right things. Like still going to work, letting your work people know you might need time, and trying to reach out for professional support. It's okay to struggle, and now that you know you tried and it didn't go well, that gives you more information to move forward with.



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Old 07-04-2021, 04:14 AM   #19
Pomegranate
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This is NOT your fault. And I think you were really brave to try the smear. I’m 32 and only managed my first one two years ago. And that was non covid times etc.

It sounds like you might really benefit from some more support for what happened to you. Have you considered self referring to talking therapies (or equivalent), they now do some trauma processing stuff.....





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Old 07-04-2021, 09:06 PM   #20
Ahimsa
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pomegranate View Post
This is NOT your fault. And I think you were really brave to try the smear. Im 32 and only managed my first one two years ago. And that was non covid times etc.

It sounds like you might really benefit from some more support for what happened to you. Have you considered self referring to talking therapies (or equivalent), they now do some trauma processing stuff.....
I've been on the waiting list for 8 years.

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