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Old 09-03-2021, 03:59 PM   #1
shadow-light
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back down the spiral

i really really really didn't want to post... I came back to the site a few weeks ago because I've got noone to talk to and I hoped that just being here and occationally chatting about nonsense with people would be enough





so in case ayone doesn't remmeber me (I have been gone a while) I used rto frequent this form, maining in the buse/bullying section. I am supposidly recovered from self harm now, but the last 4 months beg to differ... I am also supposidly recovered from bulimia, but the thoughts in my head recently beg to differ... I have issues with dissociation and anxiety, I am autistic and awaiting an assesment for ADHD, my brain trolls me almost constantly... but, for a while there I was "stable" and it was good to be stable. I still struggled with some aspects of day to day living, but it was ok




then about 2 years ago some red flags started popping up, I started obsessing about my size again, I started dissociating to the point of losing time and I started day dreaing about suicide.



I went to see my GP thinking it's best to stop this now before I slip back any further and got put on a waiting list. Fast forward to December last year, still not seen anyone... The anxiety and paranoia is getting to the point where it's effecting my actions day to day, I am self harming again, I am getting really tempted to start purging again but fighting it, and I am crying almost constantly.





I speak to GP again and they put me on some meds. A month later I tell them the meds are not doing much other than making me feel more motivated to self harm, and tell them about this voice I have been hearing. I explain that I know the voice isn't real but it's still bothering me and I am scared I may one day forget that it's not real. I psyched myself up for DAYS to tell them about the voice.

GP says my self awareness is very good and uped my medicaion doseage.


A few weeks later I call GP AGAIN and this time get referred to IAPT


I speak to IAPT and get put on a 6 week "wellness course", the course finishes this week but because my questionaire scores were "concerning" I got a call yesterday to discuss treatment plans


and, I am now on a TWELVE MONTH waiting list for support... until then I can get nothing apparently






I am really really really struggling to hold myself together here... only reason I'm even sober is my car failed its MOT so i can't drive to a shop



All I have right now is running and even that is becoming an effort to force myself to do. in fact just getting out of bed is becoming an effort...





and to make matters worse I've had next to no income in almost a year so now struggling to pay bills or buy food - which is feeding into the returning ED thoughts as now kind of thinking I dont deserve to eat as I can't bring in money



the job centre is pressuring me


the bank is hassling me as I cant afford payments



and I honestly just dont know what to do or how to cope anymore

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Old 13-03-2021, 01:25 PM   #2
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Hey,

I remember you- I have actually looked you up on here once or twice while you've been away in order to get to the threads that you linked in your signature to offer as suggested reading for others!!

Sorry to hear that things have gotten so difficult for you again and that your GP and associated services have been so crap. I'm sure this would be difficult but it could be worth going back to the GP to explain (again!) just how bad things are and see what they can suggest in the meantime while you are on this waiting list. Maybe there are some charity-run support groups you could access?

What kind of non-professional support have you got around you- are there any people irl who know that you are struggling?



We may not see eye to eye, but we can respect each other's opinions and find the truth in them.
Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
we might see each other as imperfect humans, doing our best. ~ Jodi Picoult


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Old 15-03-2021, 12:21 PM   #3
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almost suprised that the links are still active to be honest... was a long time ago those threads were made


there has been some movement since I posted this, IAPT has discharged me and reffered me to "access to welfare". Not 100% sure on what that is but whatever...



Before they dischaged me IAPT suggested asking the job centre about getting a work capacity assesment and about applying for PIP, so I spoke to my GP this morning and been signed off my non existent job for 12 weeks in order to trigger the WCA.



Ironically got a job interview this afternoon

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Old 19-03-2021, 10:28 PM   #4
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i have no words only safe hugs <3 *super safe hugs!!!!*



just another floating iceberg in this ocean we call life....


Am I a failure from birth
Is misery what I deserve
Am I just so void of love
That I'm never good, never good enough
~citizen soldier-never good enough

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Old 23-03-2021, 06:58 PM   #5
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Got a letter today, I've got an assessment over video call with the early intervention team on Friday

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Old 25-03-2021, 10:34 AM   #6
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How are you feeling about that?

I hope the assessment goes well and that they will be somewhat useful.

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Old 25-03-2021, 10:43 AM   #7
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Bit anxious to be honest, better than when I first got the letter though as been given a vague idea of what to expect - uncertainty, new people and my brain dont mix well

But PIP form arrived yesterday, so I'm managing to distract myself with that. Not that it's much less stressful but at least it's a kind if known thing

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Old 25-03-2021, 10:49 AM   #8
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Yeah, I get you.
Brains tend to expect the worst when they're not sure what's coming, but obviously there's also a sense of opportunity of working with people that haven't been involved in your treatment previously.

Haha
It's the little things I guess. :P

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Old 30-03-2021, 08:51 PM   #9
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How did the assessment go on Friday?



We may not see eye to eye, but we can respect each other's opinions and find the truth in them.
Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
we might see each other as imperfect humans, doing our best. ~ Jodi Picoult


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Old 31-03-2021, 11:48 AM   #10
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essentially we talked for about 40 mins, he decided that I do not have psychosis. He said that the "usual experiences" that I have sound like they are an extreme reaction to anxiety. So been referred back to the CMHT

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Old 31-03-2021, 11:49 AM   #11
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got a date for my ADHD assesment now too, on the 12th of april

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Old 31-03-2021, 03:41 PM   #12
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What do you think about the assessment that you don't have psychosis? Do you know what to expect from a referral back to the CMHT?

Glad you've got a date for your ADHD assessment; not too long to go for that! I hope it goes well :)



We may not see eye to eye, but we can respect each other's opinions and find the truth in them.
Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
we might see each other as imperfect humans, doing our best. ~ Jodi Picoult


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Old 01-04-2021, 09:51 AM   #13
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I was fairly sure it wasn't psychosis to start with - though I guess someone with psychosis would also say that... but I am aware the things I see/hear are odd so I can ignore them most of the time. The guy from EIP stated that due to my self awareness being so high I would benefit more for CMHT, so I guess he didn''t technically say it wasn't psychosis. But i've decided that's what he said


Not sure what the CMHT will do, going to just wait til they contact me and found out I guess. GP has put my meds up again too so that might help



The ADHD assesment was a bit of a suprise, I went on the waiting list almost 2 years ago so I'd almost forgotten about it

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Old 03-04-2021, 09:55 PM   #14
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No, I wouldn't interpret that as him saying that it isn't psychosis! I hope you hear from the CMHT soon, and if not I hope you'll feel able to go back to your GP to get it chased. I also hope the change in medication will be helpful.

Wow, no wonder you'd nearly forgotten about it!



We may not see eye to eye, but we can respect each other's opinions and find the truth in them.
Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
we might see each other as imperfect humans, doing our best. ~ Jodi Picoult


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Old 07-04-2021, 02:02 PM   #15
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GP is meant to be calling me on the 23rd to check on how I'm doing with the meds. So if I've not heard from CMHT by then I may mention it to them



annoyingly the "unusual" experiences have increased since I spoke to the EIT, which is a bit frustrating... but as long as I don't go more than a mile from my house or have to physically see anyone then things seem to be ok. The experiences do seem to increase with my anxiety level, and I get very anxious when around other humans so I think that's why.

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Old 09-04-2021, 11:52 AM   #16
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That's a good idea :)

Have you ever had any help with anxiety or tried any strategies for managing it?



We may not see eye to eye, but we can respect each other's opinions and find the truth in them.
Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
we might see each other as imperfect humans, doing our best. ~ Jodi Picoult


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Old 10-04-2021, 08:08 PM   #17
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I had CAT and CBT years ago, and been on and off sertraline for about 15 years, also been given countless "self help" things. Not much that's helped long term though. It's been an issue for most of my life


it's in part my own fault though... between moving home too much and feeling unable to engage with treatment when I am in work none of my support has been for more than a few months. I also have a habbit of not being 100% honest with professionals, for a variety of reasons...

I have decided to really try this time though, I am being an honest as I feel able to be and trying to convince the job centre that I can't work until I get treatment sorted. Turns out though that really trying it really stressful

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Old 10-04-2021, 10:26 PM   #18
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Yay, so pleased you've decided to really commit to the help you get this time. Stressful but hopefully really worth it in the end :)

Are there any strategies from previous therapies that might be worth a go now? Even if you're not convinced that they're super-helpful, maybe it's still worth a try whilst you wait.



We may not see eye to eye, but we can respect each other's opinions and find the truth in them.
Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
we might see each other as imperfect humans, doing our best. ~ Jodi Picoult


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Old 13-04-2021, 04:16 PM   #19
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I've tried starting a journal, thinking of it similarly to a R&V thread here. Though my first page is mainly "this is stupid, what is this meant to achieve, I feel silly doing this" etc

Still heard nothing from CMHT, but I got the first bit of ADHD assessment done yesterday. Step one is basically to meant with a psych (over video call because covid) and they check theres not something else it could be. She thinks its likely I have ADHD so passing me on to next stage. Apparently they are going to update my autism diagnosis too at the same time as apparently their as sub categories now or something...

Annoying thing is the main thing that helps us running, but right now I'm limited in where I can go as I get far too anxious when I go near where other people are... and my treadmil has broken again �� and my car failed MOT I cant afford to fix it and garage refused a payment plan

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Old 15-04-2021, 07:06 PM   #20
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Haha, sounds like you weren't immediately sold on journaling then. Any progress or does it still just feel silly?

Oh that's a shame that running isn't much of an option right now. Do you think the anxiety of being near people is something that might be surmountable atm if you think about strategies for managing it?

Sorry about your car :( What happens now- can it go to a different garage who will agree to a payment plan or will it have to wait until you can afford it?



We may not see eye to eye, but we can respect each other's opinions and find the truth in them.
Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
we might see each other as imperfect humans, doing our best. ~ Jodi Picoult


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