I'm about to admit to some things I've never really told anyone before...but I feel safe enough telling you all about it because this is a considerably anonymous forum...so here goes:
I sometimes find myself unable to comprehend reality at all. Nothing is real to me, nothing is what I am actually truly seeing or feeling. Everything I know about not just myself but the world around me is a lie, and it has been triggering there completely pointless panics inside of me. Normally I'm able to quickly re-connect my thoughts and ground myself fast enough before it truly starts to interfere with my everyday life, but lately the depersonalization has be getting worse. These panics have become more frequent and more difficult to 'snap out of,' for lack of a better term. It's gotten to the point that it is interfering with my job, even: twice now I've had to take myself off of the floor and lock myself in the bathroom for a while, just to get my breathing back under control and to attempt to fully ground myself, to convince myself that everything is really going to be okay.
I have never been diagnosed with an anxiety or panic disorder. My anxiety has always just been paired with my bipolar depression, as the icing to the cake, if you will. And I have noticed, that when these 'otherwordly' experiences occur, the panic doesn't settle in until after I've realized my mind checked out of sync with reality. I panic because
of the depersonalization.
Now, normally I would just put this off on my Bipolar I Disorder, because I have heard that this does tend to happen to some people on that particular spectrum. But I am concerned it may be something else because of other concerning symptoms that have gotten worse as I've gotten older.
I have always had a very different view of the world around me and different thoughts concerning it. In the past eleven or so years I have been able to split my subconscious up into two different people--me, and my 'other self'--in order to always have somebody to talk to. Nothing *too* abnormal about that, right? Just part of the general creative process...
Until it's not. As I get older I find myself struggling a bit more than usual to separate her
It's gotten to the point that I am not quite able to differentiate the two voices within my head anymore, and therefore am having trouble trusting that my own thoughts are truly my own.
Sometimes I here hear outside of my mind--or at least I think I do. Of course I don't actually, because she doesn't actually exist, right? But at the same time, she is very prominent; I've written songs about here, created her to be something different and yet identical to what I am...
I'm getting carried away. This issue with my secondary subconscious is only one thing of many that has been scaring me. I don't scare easily, guys, so believe me when I tell you that I am not
making any of this up, that I am absolutely terrified.
I have not seen a psychiatrist or therapist for nearly six months now, and have been off of all psychotropic meds for even longer. I don't want to go back to treatment or back on any meds again...but maybe it's time to call in some help. Maybe I do need to find out what's going on before it gets worse...
I'm sorry, that turned into a novel of a post.
But...please, I need advice. Any advice at all.
Thanks for reading.