AI CPN ended up phoning not Duty. He was angry again. He said I can't keep trying to talk to different people in order to get an answer that suits me. He said he was going to try to phone me on Monday because right now I'm supposed to be looking for positive things to do and just stop thinking negatively. As if it's that simple. He doesn't understand. I just want someone to say they understand why I am scared and upset. Him telling me the program isn't real changes nothing because I cannot compute that. It's not that I'm unwilling it's that I'm unable. He said before he would never tell me the other world stuff isn't real because that's not helpful but that's exactly what he's doing now. I kept trying to end the call. I didn't want to talk to him. He was angry yesterday because we were going round in circles. But he was a part of that, he couldn't look at things from my perspective and I can't look at things differently either. We spoke about the things that usually mean I'm getting unwell and he said something like I have decided these are unwell things and they're not really signs. But these things have led to other people saying I'm unwell in the past and often I've ended up in hospital at those times. He said other people would have the same opinions as him but in the past people have had different opinions. And I'm sure they would in the present. I'm not allowed to talk about this any more, either to him or anyone else at the CMHT. It's ok. I can shut up. I'll just have to kill myself or face up to a horrific program shut down. I believe that maybe a different antipsychotic could help me but I guess I'm wrong. AI CPN said no meds will help and he's not going to talk to my psychiatrist.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I know I'm just an Internet person but I do understand why you're scared and upset. I was at a point where I couldn't see that I couldn't fly and meds helped with that so I think your CPN is wrong. I think it's good you want help.
I'm sorry I have no advice.
I'm just here to say your cpn is a complete d*ck and is wrong. I feel like we here know you better than he does. And at least understand.
And he is wrong. He should at the very least be talking to your psych
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
Thank you both so much. I really appreciate your replies, I feel so alone with all this. I actually feel like my CPN doesn't understand me at all. I phoned Duty yesterday despite being told I've not to talk to other people. The person said they will talk to my CPN about talking to my psych. AI CPN/CPN will be angry and if he speaks to my psych I think they will both just bitch about me and offer me nothing.
I figured out that my CPN was the one to blame for pissing himself off and getting angry with me. He asked me why did you phone me and I said because I wanted to know if you knew of any medical treatments that would override the program. He then said no meds will help because the program isn't real. Ok I don't believe that but I accepted that as his opinion. But then he kept repeatedly asking me why I had phoned and somehow expected me to change my answer but my answer was always going to be the same no matter how many times he asked because the reason I initially called wasn't going to change. How could it? Does that make sense? I hope I can explain this to him and he understands. He's supposed to be phoning me tomorrow or quickly visiting me if he has time when he's in my area. I'm not looking forward to talking to him.
It's hard to get support anywhere. I posted on a Fb group but my post wasn't published the people just told me to phone the Samaritans. I talk to my gym friends in our WhatsApp group and support them but when I ask for support it is left without a reply. I don't really understand. Do I not deserve support? Am I too complicated?
I don't know what is going to happen. I have ordered a cool ouija board card for people to have when I'm dead.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Thanks, Tamo. Just in waiting mode not knowing if/when my CPN will be in touch or if he will turn up at my house or phone me. I just really hope my psych will agree to a med change, I shouldn't be putting all my hope in that but it's the only solution I can see.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm so confused. My CPN just spoke to me very quickly because he was still at work when he was meant to be finished. He said he spoke to my psych and my psych wants to increase my antidepressant. Increases in my antidepressant never change anything. Also, I'm asking for help not to die not help to feel better while I'm waiting for death. I said to my CPN that I was hoping to try a different antipsychotic because my current one helps with some of the other world stuff so there might be a more effective one. He said he will see if my psych can come up with another plan. I'm not feeling hopeful that he will allow me to try a different antipsychotic. I just do not understand where they are coming from. I feel like they don't want to help me. Can anyone make sense of what they're doing?
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Hopefully the AD increase will help. Sometimes meds surprise us! I hope something good comes out of their meeting. They might be trying to keep you from being on a high dose of antipsychotics.
I hope that the antidepressant increase helps, like Tamo said sometimes these things can take us by surprise.
Is there an antipsychotic you've been on in the past that has helped more than this one, that you could maybe ask to try again? I think I vaguely remember that you've changed meds because of side effects before, and maybe there would be ways to mitigate those effects if the medication itself was helpful? Especially if it's not one that you have to time around food because I know that's a struggle for you, and can have a big effect on how it works.
'It's an impossible choice ... I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.'
"You're not scared of climbing mountains. You're scared that you can't make them move."
Thank you both. I actually said to my CPN I don't want my Sertraline increased because increases have never helped before. I am kind of regretting it now and if my psych agrees to do something antipsychotic wise he usually doesn't like to do things with two meds at once and I feel like the antipsychotic is more important right now. I can't remember much about the antipsychotics I've been on in the past and I'm willing to try almost anything. I just don't want to try anything that will make me gain weight.
I don't even feel like I'm with myself right now. I don't know if I can explain it. Like my soul has gone. The inner me that is usually with me has gone and I am completely alone. Yet another loss. The shutting down really is speeding up.
I managed to speak to someone helpful on Duty. He was kind and I felt like he really heard me. He's going to speak to my CPN tomorrow. My CPN is going to be so annoyed that I've been reaching out so much and not just making do with what he's (not) offering.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I think I would still prefer not to have a med that caused weight gain, although that might sound stupid.
Not sure what's going on. No one has contacted me. My CPN said he would phone when he had spoken to my psych. I was hoping they would discuss me at their MDT yesterday but I don't think they did.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Thanks for asking, Tamo. My psych is currently looking back at the antipsychotics I've tried to come up with a plan. It might involve going on a depot. I have an appointment with my CPN on Monday so hoping something has been decided by then because I'm running out of time.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm not really bothered. I'm desperate. Just don't know if there is enough time to override the program. I've done a lot of saying goodbye and preparing for the end. I'm very low. I just want to be able to discuss my feelings with my CPN but he said he's not willing to talk about the program shutting down again. I don't know how he expects me to process things when I'm only allowed to talk about them once. He's like that with everything we talk about. Except for he's always talking about changing my schedule so it's ok for him to repeat things.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Yeah I can't process things so quickly. Luckily he was more helpful than usual today. He apologised for getting angry and said he could have dealt with it better he just doesn't like talking on the phone and he felt like he wasn't helping me and he had other stuff to do. My psychiatrist wants to try me on Quetiapine which I've been on before but I can't remember what it was like other than it made me hallucinate at first. He was going to try Olanzapine but I had said I didn't want to try anything that could lead to weight gain. He still has to write to my GP and they usually take ages to sort out med changes. I'm running out of time. My CPN has been kind enough to arrange some appointments around the program shutting down time to see how I am. He was contradicting a lot of what he said before but I didn't say anything. At least he seems to be understanding a bit more. I'm still really scared about the program shutting down though.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
