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Old 29-12-2020, 12:18 PM   #2621
one_step_closer
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Thank you both.

I'm feeling really awful, more than usual. The chemist was closed yesterday and they forgot to give me extra meds the day before so I didn't have any meds yesterday or my morning meds today which hasn't helped. I'm really suicidal and low, it's clinging onto me. I got my meds today so I have my afternoon and night meds and tomorrow morning's. I have an appointment with the stand in CPN on Thursday but I don't know how much it will help. My brother is maybe being passed on to MH services in the community after having counselling with a voluntary organisation and I'm really worried his life will become just like mine. This has been my worst nightmare for a long time and now it could be coming true.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 29-12-2020, 01:13 PM   #2622
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Now my brother has told me he never has any good feelings. Now I'm even more suicidal. I can't deal with anything.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 29-12-2020, 01:16 PM   #2623
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Firstly a response to something you said earlier- if you're on the highest dose of your antidepressant it doesn't mean that's the best you can get. Could you speak to the psych next time about adding something else in? Just from personal experience, I was a mess on the highest dose of mirtazapine and adding in venlafaxine was genuinely life-changing. Not necessarily suggesting that particular combination, just maybe you could look into different meds that can be mixed with yours to see if there's a combination that you could ask to try.

The chemist fiasco yesterday sounds like a nightmare, sorry that happened!

With your brother, I can see where you're coming from and understand your concern, but just because he might be referred to MH services doesn't mean that he is as unwell and unhappy as you, OR that the care he receives will be the same as you.

What's the context of him telling you that he never has any good feelings? I wonder if that's potentially not fully true, even if it's how he feels things are in the moment, if that makes sense? Like, I often declare 'everything is terrible' when really I mean that quite a lot of things are terrible!



We may not see eye to eye, but we can respect each other's opinions and find the truth in them.
Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
we might see each other as imperfect humans, doing our best. ~ Jodi Picoult


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Old 29-12-2020, 01:16 PM   #2624
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The only form of self harm I can do now isn't helping. I'm crying. I wish I would just die.

Ninja Jenna, will reply to you at some point.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 29-12-2020, 02:52 PM   #2625
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When I asked to increase my current anti depressant my psych wasn't going to do it at first because she said I'm not 'depressed enough.' I have tried a lot of antidepressants and some combinations, I don't know if my psych would agree to have a look at what I've been on and see what else I could try.

I was texting my brother and he said he wasn't sure how he was feeling and I said is it a kind of neutral feeling and he said more neutral than usual. Then I asked what he could do to try and make him feel good and he said he never has any good feelings. I know it's probably not true and it could just be a reflection of how he's feeling today but I can't help but take it at face value and get upset.

I'm really suicidal but I won't get it right so I probably won't try anything. I wish I had good self harm to turn to because there's no other way to get a bit of a reduction from everything I'm feeling. I'm sick of facing days filled with negative emotions to battle. I can't concentrate on much and when I do find some focus all the bad things are bigger than what I'm focusing on so it's not a distraction. I really want to die, seriously.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 29-12-2020, 05:51 PM   #2626
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I'm hysterically crying because I have nothing I can kill myself with. I feel completely awful.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 30-12-2020, 02:46 PM   #2627
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I'm exhausted today. Last night was terrible and has leaked into today and will likely get worse in the evening. I couldn't sleep for ages because I felt physically unwell/weird. I don't want to face any more days, it's such a struggle. I have an appointment with the stand in CPN tomorrow, I likely won't be able to convey my distress.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 30-12-2020, 05:15 PM   #2628
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*hugs you* i really hope you feel better...



just another floating iceberg in this ocean we call life...….


Am I a failure from birth
Is misery what I deserve
Am I just so void of love
That I'm never good, never good enough
~citizen soldier-never good enough

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Old 30-12-2020, 11:16 PM   #2629
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I really hope it goes better than you think with the stand-in CPN tomorrow. Have you tried written communication with them before? I’m just wondering if you could print out some of this thread to help you communicate how bad things are.



We may not see eye to eye, but we can respect each other's opinions and find the truth in them.
Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
we might see each other as imperfect humans, doing our best. ~ Jodi Picoult


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Old 31-12-2020, 10:10 AM   #2630
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I'm really anxious. She's phoning at 11am and I hope she doesn't phone later than that because I can't deal with more waiting. I don't know if I even say much on this thread really. I will tell her about being suicidal and crying over having no means to kill myself. That's mostly what is going on right now, the suicidal stuff. She's not going to be able to take it away though. She'll think I'm safe and leave it at that.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 31-12-2020, 12:46 PM   #2631
Cacoethes
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Did she call?
I really hope she did and that it was helpful. You need qnd deserve help



I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!


Who else is fine?!?!?


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Old 31-12-2020, 01:24 PM   #2632
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Thank you. She did call. She didn't understand how painful and serious things are right now and just said she'll send me more worksheet stuff. She didn't hear that if things get any worse I might be able to push through the barriers to suicide, she just focused on the fact that there are barriers. She gave me an appointment on 11th Jan so my own CPN can't be coming back any time soon.

Now I'm back to being alone with my despair and terrified of how I feel and how worse it can quickly become. I want to merge into a shadow and disappear.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 31-12-2020, 01:38 PM   #2633
Cacoethes
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I'm so sorry lindsay
That's really crap
Do you think you'd be able to call duty if you really need to? I think it's really important that you get some sort of support right now.
Is there a mental health drop in near you?
We have a mental health hub here where you can go and speak to nurses and I thinj there are doctors there too.
Do you have anything like that?



I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!


Who else is fine?!?!?


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Old 31-12-2020, 02:20 PM   #2634
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I don't think I'll be able to phone anyone. I wish I wasn't so ridiculous when it comes to phone calls. There are no drop in places here, I just have options to call various people. I really need my own CPN to come back very soon.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 31-12-2020, 02:44 PM   #2635
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It’s not ridiculous. I hate phone calls too but sometimes when things get really bad it’s really the only option. You deserve help Lindsay. I wish the professionals could see that. It really angers me actually that they are being so useless.
I hope she does come back soon. Did you ask when she might be coming back?



I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!


Who else is fine?!?!?


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Old 31-12-2020, 03:59 PM   #2636
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I did consider phoning the informal crisis team at the worst point but I really was hysterically crying so it would have been hard to talk on the phone. People don't understand how bad things are when they don't see it happening. I didn't ask about my own CPN, didn't really get a chance. If she's off because she's not allowed to drive right now, as I was told before, then it still might be a long time before she's back. I'm worried she might not even come back. I don't want to be passed on to anyone else.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 31-12-2020, 05:22 PM   #2637
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Do you think she heard you but wants you to try to focus less on being dead and more on things to try to stay alive? That's a thing that a lot of my therapist humans wanted me to focus on, because so much focusing on talking about being dead can mean not actually working on anything.



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This is happening, this is part of you.


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Old 31-12-2020, 06:08 PM   #2638
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Maybe. But things are so strong suicidal wise right now that I can't see around it and things could be dangerous. I needed her to pick up on that but it's probably my fault for not wording things accurately. She works differently to my CPN and it doesn't really work for me but I'll give things a go of course.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 31-12-2020, 06:12 PM   #2639
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I mean I guess I get that. But also what could she have done aside from wanting you in hospital, which I am assuming you don't want? Like again not saying she maybe didn't respond the way you were wanting which sucks. But maybe she also did actually understand the risk and was trying to come up with an alternative, but maybe did not explain it to you well. Can you get in touch with her or wait until you speak to her next to clarify?

Also I think when you do communicate things, it can be helpful to either explain not just what is going on for you, but what kind of response you are looking for. Or think about that when you decide what to communicate. I hope that makes some sense. I am not saying you did anything wrong, just one thing that can sometimes be good to keep in mind.



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This is happening, this is part of you.


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Old 01-01-2021, 11:12 AM   #2640
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My own CPN usually provides the options/knows what is for the best. I'm not very good at that. She usually offers me more frequent support, seeing the Duty CPNs for a while or admission to hospital. I don't know what would be best at this time. Whatever my CPN believes is needed usually works well. All I know is that I'm beyond worksheets and the way the stand in CPN works with me is completely different from how my own CPN works with me. I will try what she offers but I can never ask for something more, I worry that people think I don't need anything extra but I'm just tying to get it anyway. I don't think I can mention options with the stand in CPN, I'll have to do what she says.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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