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Old 18-08-2020, 07:29 PM   #2501
Buttons.
Never knowing...a helping hand or hell to pay?
 
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I know that overwhelmed feeling well.

Thinking of you lovely.



'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'

['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']

'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.’ – Oscar Wilde
‘It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back.’ Sydney Carter


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Old 19-08-2020, 06:00 PM   #2502
one_step_closer
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Life is a further fight. So many fighting little things and so many huge things. Why is living like trying to keep swimming and never stop? I feel so disconnected from people even when I go out with my support worker to practice going in, and there for I am out with a person so that means I'm not alone, but I still feel alone. I am constantly talking to people in my house, other world and just talking to me about things like I'm a separate person.

I don't know what to do.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 22-08-2020, 09:27 PM   #2503
Pi.R^2
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What contact have you got with your CPN at the moment?

I'm sorry you're feeling so distressed at the moment and that seeing your support worker isn't offering much comfort.



We may not see eye to eye, but we can respect each other's opinions and find the truth in them.
Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
we might see each other as imperfect humans, doing our best. ~ Jodi Picoult


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Old 23-08-2020, 05:14 PM   #2504
one_step_closer
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My CPN phones once a week. I prefer her talking 2 times, she is the only person I feel safe with.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 25-08-2020, 06:16 PM   #2505
Pi.R^2
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Are you able to communicate to her that you'd appreciate a little more contact at the moment if possible?



We may not see eye to eye, but we can respect each other's opinions and find the truth in them.
Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
we might see each other as imperfect humans, doing our best. ~ Jodi Picoult


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Old 27-08-2020, 07:09 PM   #2506
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Yes, I was wondering about that too - if there was any mileage in asking your CPN for more contact. It sounds like you could really do with it at the moment.
How are things now?

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Old 30-08-2020, 05:18 PM   #2507
one_step_closer
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My CPN is trying to get me moving forward so that means a reduction in time I speak to my CPN. She thinks I have enough with her and the support from my support worker but the support worker doesn't help. Everything is wrong and hard and I am weak. This has been going on for ever. I dread trying to write messages online or offline. I've had to take ages to write this message. Sorry I'm slow.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 31-08-2020, 05:01 PM   #2508
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I spoke to my CPN who thought I am ok (a slight quieting to some of the men stuff.) Some of the side effects have changed I can mostly walk without fallingI'm still getting tuned down beeps and codes. Which is true but no one takes a look at my emotions. I just do not like this being fighting a battle every day. I this feels like a crying time but I'm not crying. There is more stuff I could write here but I think that's all I can post right now. Thank you for bearing with me.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 31-08-2020, 05:26 PM   #2509
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Hi, one step closer..

I understand that feeling like every day is exhausting battle. I'm learning to take it moment-by-moment. Otherwise at the end of the day, I see it as a failure. I now try to appreciate even those little moments of relief.

You've always been kind and replied to my threads when I've needed support and I didn't forget it. You helped me.

I hope you will catch a break soon.

Wishing you well :)

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Old 31-08-2020, 09:13 PM   #2510
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Hey one step closer just thought I'd drop by im sorry things are so difficult and so much is changing it sounds tuff right now so much of what ur saying is so relatable. I also remember u commenting on my posts alot so wanted to thankyou for that . Excuse my spellings my brain is refusing to cooperate right now with remembering spellings so i just spell stuff how i think it shud b spelt lol. I really do hope things start improving for u soon big hugs if u would like them take care . We all care about u and u r important even if it doesnt feel like it sorry for not commenting sooner i just rarely know what to say an worry i will say the wrong thing

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Old 01-09-2020, 03:01 PM   #2511
one_step_closer
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Thank you both.

I bought 2 diaries and in both of them is mixed messages in it so I have to phone everyone to see when they can't understand what has been the right message. How do I get so confused? I feel very lonely but there's no one I actually want to be with and it wouldn't be a long thing and I\d get overwhelmed very soon. Things with men are getting slower and more quiet I told my CPN about new ladies in that group and she said so that means this memory and medication aren't being helpful. My CPN said is it even taking meds that aren't getting the people and things then I shouldn't be on some of the meds I am. I know myself and I know that changes and at this that is going on now is a step down, so I'd like to carry on for a while with the meds. I don't know if I could say that to my CPN or psych. Nothing really stops the distress and low mood and anxiety and it's a big shot to wind down the men etc. I'm trying massively to get back on the foot. I hope no-one is going to give up on me.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 03-09-2020, 07:49 PM   #2512
not_so_insig
It's Bouquet! B-U-C-K-E-T!
 
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I can't speak for rl but nobody here is going to give up on you. We are here for as long as you need us. I personally don't think your cpn will give up on you either as otherwise they wouldn't be doing their job.



Wannabe CPN : -)
"He who is tired of Weird Al is tired of life." - Homer Simpson
"I hear those voices that will not be drowned"
Sanity is a nasty disease. The world would be a happier place without it. - Rilic
RIP Kat 4th July 1987- 11th June 2013

Please do not pm me without asking first as l find getting PMs very stressful.

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Old 04-09-2020, 07:25 PM   #2513
Zurg
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I agree with insig, we won't give up on you. I also doubt your cpn Will give up on you as it sounds like she cares a great deal. I Think the problem is that she's quite limited as to what she can do without breaking the rules of her job. And that's a very sucky situtation.

How are you doing today??

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Old 05-09-2020, 06:05 AM   #2514
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Sending love x







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Old 06-09-2020, 04:05 PM   #2515
Darkwings44
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i too agree with the others! we will never leave you or give up on you!!!! *hugs you*
<3



just another floating iceberg in this ocean we call life...….


Am I a failure from birth
Is misery what I deserve
Am I just so void of love
That I'm never good, never good enough
~citizen soldier-never good enough

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Old 09-09-2020, 12:13 PM   #2516
one_step_closer
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Thanks everyone.

I had a phone call from my CPN yesterday. I quickly meantion I could help out in the food bank and I really actually don't think I could, I had a more positive feeling yesterday since I managed to mostly sort out the things I'm writing and am able to mostly understanding. If I speak to my CPN briefly she thinks it's all bright and we could get me a job at some time. I wasn't meaning I could get a job. I know it will probably go slowly but I have breakdowns nearly every day and I know volunteering or working will make me more terrified. I probably look like an idiot.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 09-09-2020, 12:20 PM   #2517
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Don't dismiss being able to volunteer at the food bank just yet. I think having that moment of positivity is a good thing and shows that you can actually see beyond being stuck in this cycle of negativity. There's no rush to make changes at all, but having one positive thought, no matter how fleeting, is something to be proud of.

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Old 09-09-2020, 02:27 PM   #2518
one_step_closer
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Thanks. I can't see working anywhere because of my symptoms, especially if I had to be there for quite a while. I'm so stupid saying that and it will be passed on to everyone and then everyone will push me. I can't deal with this. I don't know about speaking properly when it's a person I don't know. I need a sure death plan if I end up doing this and I didn't go well.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 09-09-2020, 02:52 PM   #2519
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No one's expecting you to go from where you are now to a 40 hour working week in one massive jump. No one can see what the future holds so there's absolutely no point saying "This won't work" now. Take things one day/hour/ minute at a time. And you don't need to die just because something doesn't work out once. It just means that thing wasn't right for you but there are endless amounts of things to try out there and there will be something you CAN do and enjoy doing, even if it's just one hour a week. So far it's just a thought and that can be as far as it needs to go right now.

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Old 10-09-2020, 05:31 PM   #2520
one_step_closer
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Thanks for your replies.

I'm all speech weirdness and mainly talking to people who aren't in my house. I go with it and believe that are talking and then I seriously think I better respond. Then I start seeing then and try to tell myself these are people from. the other world and I tel myself that and stoping to them. I need my CPN but I'm not thinking she'll fixate on me volunteering with the food bank at some point in the future.

I'm trying to get back into writing in my diary but it's not happening. Any ideas? Writing in my diary helps me when I'm anxious and feeling full and upset. I think it's connected to my speech and walking and talking.

I went to cut to help myself but I didn't even open the box. I am too rubbish at cutting now. I did do a type of self harm but it's fine to do that in my house.

I'm really scared and crying right now because of the difficult things I have to do and the people are never really able to help are few

Emotional pain.

I really am not up to continuing this way.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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