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Old 14-08-2020, 06:15 PM   #2481
Soft Kitty
 
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I'm really sorry you're in so much pain. I wish there was something that helped you feel better. I how it can call someone like the crisis team if things get too much over the weekend, and that you can do comforting things to help soothe yourself. You do deserve a life better than this.

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Old 14-08-2020, 07:49 PM   #2482
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Soft Kitty View Post
I'm really sorry you're in so much pain. I wish there was something that helped you feel better. I how it can call someone like the crisis team if things get too much over the weekend, and that you can do comforting things to help soothe yourself. You do deserve a life better than this.
this!

And for what it's worth, your posts seem much clearer now- maybe your body is getting used to the new medication now and the side effects have reduced?



We may not see eye to eye, but we can respect each other's opinions and find the truth in them.
Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
we might see each other as imperfect humans, doing our best. ~ Jodi Picoult


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Old 15-08-2020, 09:18 AM   #2483
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I feel like I've completely broken down today. I'm crying and I can't phone the crisis team, I just need me CPN and by that time I'll have a face on again. Here I am having a whole day to get through and I couldn't tell anyone why because I don't know I could only say that I'm ready to let someone kill me. I went to the post office and they told me they didn't open till 9am and that also upset me because I felt like I had been bad. I get upset over such stupid things.

I can't have this whole day and then there will be another and another. I need my CPN, but face to face. A whole day





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 15-08-2020, 12:36 PM   #2484
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It's not your fault that you get upset over the smaller things when you've got so much big stuff to deal with too. It can leave us feeling very fragile. Why will you have a face on when you see your CPN? Do you think there are other ways you could communicate your feelings if you think it'll be hard to show her next time you talk?

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Old 15-08-2020, 01:21 PM   #2485
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I'm not doing the face time with her it freaks me out and she said that's ok we'll stick with phone calls. Today seems a huger here than before. All my communications don't exist because I can access them. I'm trying everything and getting so upset and hitting my head so much. I wish I could walk down to the informal team's effort and get some help but obviously that wouxcsmjefdsvbhklxc cksklhds Forget iy. I've run out of my cope.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 15-08-2020, 04:15 PM   #2486
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i hope you are alright, i am hear if you wanna chat



Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? Maybe I was just crazy. Maybe it was the 60's. Or maybe I was just a girl... interrupted.
I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside. I tried groups, didn't work out just made my depression a lot worse.

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Old 15-08-2020, 06:40 PM   #2487
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Today is such an awful day. I don't nap but I lay down on bed for a while. I want to go there and stay there but I'm not messing up my sleep time. There's so much to do and I need a kind person. There will be no one again tomorrow. I can't relax I just keep crying. I am in emotional agony. I can't cut, I just use other ways, I want to get back to cutting. I don't know what people do when they're mentally unwell and they have no real access to anyone. I can't eat because there's nothing much in the house and I'm sick of take away. I want to go out but I don't want to go out. Why am I so fragile? I only have the energy to eat there and then when that goes there is no one. I live for bed, because I am terrible at suicide.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 16-08-2020, 01:46 PM   #2488
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I am sorry to hear you are struggling, have you spoken to anyone about how you are feeling?



Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? Maybe I was just crazy. Maybe it was the 60's. Or maybe I was just a girl... interrupted.
I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside. I tried groups, didn't work out just made my depression a lot worse.

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Old 16-08-2020, 02:57 PM   #2489
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I haven't spoken to anyone about things so far because I'd have to speak on the phone. I've only really feel more comfortable with my CPN over the phone. She said she'd speak to me at some point this coming week but she didn't day when. It's really torturous feeling so many bad feelings and being alone with it. I'm worried about how I'll get through tonight. I need to try had and then phone the CMHT for a form thing and at the same time ask if my CPN is there. Crying does not help. And I can't cut other than some ways that don't allow me to create good damage.I really want to die.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 16-08-2020, 05:45 PM   #2490
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I'm crying most of the time and I want someone to kill me. There are huge parts of the day I can't do. I want to break all the rules and go to the health centre and scream for someone, I know I'd obviously not do that but I am silent with my screams so no one notices. I just need to get to tomorrow. I'm doing my lie on the floor thing because it's sometimes dangerous and that always means I'm not doing well. I hope my CPN is there and has a talk with me and sees that I'm really distressed. I will also tell her I have quit life but she's heard it so many times. I need someone to help me and there is no one.

I'm sorry about all this posting.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 16-08-2020, 06:32 PM   #2491
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Don't be sorry Lindsay. It's not your fault you're feeling like this. Things were bad already and then the side effects messed it all up even more.

I actually wish you could go somewhere and scream for help. Moreso, i wish someone would take notice and actually sort out something for you because what you have now is obviously not enough, nor is it really helpful.

If i was close by i'd go with you. And i so wish i could because this is quite frankly a disgrace and letting you down and one proof among many that the system isn't working as Well as they'd like us to believe.

I Think another admission should be an option now. It pees me off that everyhting is measured in cash and resources and not in lives and feeling better overall.

I just wanted to say, and i'll keep saying it, you are NOT a burden. They are failing you and they should be fucking ashamed of themselves!!!!!!

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Old 16-08-2020, 08:35 PM   #2492
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I know this might not be super useful, but I will say your posts have been much more coherent and legible the last couple of days. Hopefully that is a good sign and maybe folks irl will be able to understand you better?



Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.


You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.


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Old 16-08-2020, 10:18 PM   #2493
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Low on words but I agree with Zurg and Camden.



Wannabe CPN : -)
"He who is tired of Weird Al is tired of life." - Homer Simpson
"I hear those voices that will not be drowned"
Sanity is a nasty disease. The world would be a happier place without it. - Rilic
RIP Kat 4th July 1987- 11th June 2013

Please do not pm me without asking first as l find getting PMs very stressful.

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Old 17-08-2020, 03:33 PM   #2494
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I managed to get my courage up to phone about things and she had to call me back because she was talking to someone. No one can understand the AGONY all word doesn't. I think I'm hearing from my CPN one week and then look in Aldi to see if I can be brave and go inside one the following once I see the what the place looks like now. I do ok to shop in Tesco but I don't like to shop in Aldi so that's left for worst scenario. I can work things fine, I don't need to be doing that. I need to talk to my CPN again. I will always be alone. Professionals who do have family can't really the concept of loneliness in it's large form. I want to talk to my CPN face to face.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 17-08-2020, 04:29 PM   #2495
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Hello,
I'm not new here - I've been here on and off for years, but have never posted before. I hope it's ok to post here. I was moved to because I related so strongly to much of what you've said.
My mental health has deteriorated since the pandemic and I've lost all my face to face contact with professionals. I have a phobia of speaking on the phone and so it seems impossible to get any help and I have also just wanted to run somewhere and scream for it. I can still speak to my therapist on video calls, but as you said, she has her family around her and I don't think she fully understands the huge, intense agony and despair of being alone.
I don't want to derail your thread, but I just wanted to let you know that, even though I might not be able help much practically because I don't really know how to cope with how painful it all is myself, I do really, really feel what you're saying. You're not alone in feeling like this because I know that agony too (or a similar one anyway). I don't know if it's at all helpful to know that, but either way I'm so sorry that you're going through this and I'm sending you all the support.

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Old 17-08-2020, 05:31 PM   #2496
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Thank you. I'm sorry you're in a similar battle. Are you planning staying on RYL for a bit? Welcome back.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 17-08-2020, 07:31 PM   #2497
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Words.

I need something that will occupy me in the evenings. I need to cry then chat to someone through the day and all up till they finish which is 10pm. Going to A&E is a no no, they'll just me out as a presumption that there is nothing wrong with people with EUPD just want to create some harassment. I am a child in an adults body. I wish resources weren't so stretched.

I do feel like I might have to go into hospital but my new psych she doesn't want me to need hospital so much. I'm mostly safe, I'm just crying. I'm lying on the floor which usually means something is going to happening.

Now my mind has shut down, I just don't want to be alive but I so don't.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 18-08-2020, 03:44 PM   #2498
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Thank you - both for the welcome and the commiserations. I will definitely stick around on RYL for a while, but I am very bad at actually posting (because I'm very good at freaking out that I did it wrong!). But maybe I'll try at bit more - an R/V at least might be good!

I'm sorry that you've been crying so much and that going to A&E doesn't feel possible. It's horrible how much stigma there can be around an EUPD diagnosis. Need, and pain and loneliness is valid and should be recognised and treated with compassion on a human level whatever diagnosis it happens to fall within.
Can you say anything more about why lying on the floor means something will happen? (But of course don't if it doesn't feel comfortable).
I'm glad you've been able to find some words, particularly when it seems like they've been misbehaving for you for a while.

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Old 18-08-2020, 04:11 PM   #2499
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Hey sweet,

How are you doing today? I know the feeling of needing someone/something in the evening, I often find that time extremely difficult too. (If you ever need someone to talk to late at night etc I am unconditionally here and often awake late)

Have you explored with your new pysch why they're saying they don't want you 'needing' hospital? Are you safe at the moment?

x







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Old 18-08-2020, 05:46 PM   #2500
one_step_closer
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Can't say too much because of my stupid malfunctioning brain.

The world is now way too big and it may be too big for a suicide.

I wish my CPN was still phoning 2 times a week. I don't want to practice going into supermarkets wish my support worker because then maybe I'd get my 2nd call from my CPN. There is so much change. Please don't let me be trapped in this body or any body.

Writing isn't helping either, that used to be a good coping mechanism. My soothe box is a box of rubbish.

I feel so unwell (mentally). No one really hears that.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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