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Old 18-12-2015, 12:57 AM   #1
when.will.it.end
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Sucidal

I want to go to train tracks. I don't want to be in hospital. I'm trying to cope, I'm doing what I'm meant to be doing. PRN, talking to people, distraction. But my head is too much. The trauma. The endless trauma. Flashbacks. Rape. Assault. Bombs, death. People getting murdered. I want to die now, it's time. I can't d this anymore. Nothing is real. Would I even die if im not here? Perhaps it would stop this. I can't life for other people anymore. I have meds. It's time. But something is wrong, this isn't right. I don't know what to do. So many stressors. I need help
I know I don't deserve it. I've fought so hard for so long. I want some relief.



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Old 18-12-2015, 12:26 PM   #2
when.will.it.end
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i dissociated and woke up with a ligature aroudn my neck at baout 5am. i called crisis. they were worried. they got staff at my hostel to come round and the same thing had happened. took the ligature off. they chatted to me for a while. i eventually managed to sleep at 7am. very scared now. barely remember the whole thing and can't believe i did it. stupid dissoication, and mental health and tying stuff around my neck. i don't thik things are going very welll



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Old 19-12-2015, 09:34 AM   #3
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*hugs gently* it sounds like things are really tough for you right now, when are you next seeing the crisis team? Has anything in particular triggered the thoughts, mood and disassociation off? Maybe try some self soothing like having a relaxing bath or listening to some peaceful music. Thinking of you.



'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'

['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']

'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.’ – Oscar Wilde
‘It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back.’ Sydney Carter


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Old 19-12-2015, 01:35 PM   #4
when.will.it.end
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thank you.

i'm worried about my dad abusing my little brother and sister and considering calling social services. but the situation is very complicated because he's very cunning and my sister is confused (shes 13).

they are talking about admission. if things get any worse then i'll be going into hospital but i don't want that. staff where i live want me in. crisis said no last night and to keep an eye on things but i dissociated and cut. its holding with steri strips. it happened at the crisis house which im slightly mortified about but they were understanding about it. im very agitated. can't just sit and do anything. crisis team aren't involved. from the sounds of it they will admit if something serious happens and if not i have to speak to cmht on monday. i tried to get in touch with cmht yesterday but nobody got back to me. i don't know how long i can last dissociating and hurting myself. i managed to have a bath and put clean clothes on so that's good i suppose. i can call crisis but it seems pointless and stressful. i have tablets i can od on.



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Old 21-12-2015, 12:20 AM   #5
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If you are worried or know of the imminent abuse/traumatisaion of minors in ANY WAY regardless of your relationship to them then it is your duty to report such behaviour to the authorities!!
I have been a member on this site for years and have seen many of your posts.
The only person that can help you is YOU!
The mental health system is for support and encouragement only, they can do no More!
Ultimately it is up to you to live or die, you really think they care??
Don't be nieve the only reason they section people is not for your benefit but to save their own ass from any misconduct allegations.
I know it's difficult, I know it's hard to move forward.
I have two diagnosed mental illnesses, so what! Who cares! I certainly don't!
I've been abused, mentally,physically and sexually but the next person that Trys any nonsense with me better be prepared for armagedon!!
Please stand up for yourself, you are worth so much more!!
Don't let other people rule your life, it is yours!
If you feel a victim you will always be one.
Fight for your life! It is yours and you deserve a good one like anyone else
I'm sorry if I come across as brash and uncaring I'm truly not I am angry on your behalf that people have done things to you to make you feel worthless and affraid.
I wish only that you see that you are a valued person and no one has the right to abuse you in any way. I hope your path leads you to realise this xx

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Old 21-12-2015, 01:35 PM   #6
when.will.it.end
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Ok, chill. I know I need to fight for myself, I do everyday. Some people in the system do care, although I know what you're saying. It's very hard to recover from systematic abuse that has happened from an early age but I am trying. It just takes time. You can't recover overnight or switch patterns of thinking that have been there for so long straight away. And I'm well aware that I need to protect the children, the abuse has been reported yesterday and I posted asking for advice on the situation and was planning on calling NSPCC for advice anyway. Please don't tell me I need to do more than in doing to help them because I already know that if I could I would completely remove them from the situation but it's just not possible. From the day my step mum got pregnant I begged her to leave my dad. It's a complicated situation. It may not come across but I'm doing the best I can.

Anyway, an informal admission is being arranged but I have to go down south as there are no beds. Not sure when or where but I'll here soon I'm guessing.



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Old 22-12-2015, 02:36 AM   #7
when.will.it.end
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Anyone up?



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Old 22-12-2015, 11:30 AM   #8
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How are you? I read you were in the 136 suite, have you been assessed yet?



A splintered brain
Mentally reframed
The threat spits
And we split again
Shattered
On the outside composed
No one knows
Just how deep the scar goes


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Old 22-12-2015, 01:17 PM   #9
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I'm panicking, hearing my dad, having flashbacks, dissociated. I've been admitted to my local ward. Thanks for asking



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Old 24-12-2015, 01:55 AM   #10
when.will.it.end
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Is it possible to get some kind words/support/hugs/anything?

I know I haven't been around much x



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Old 24-12-2015, 02:35 AM   #11
when.will.it.end
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That's all I need right now! Seen as real life hugs are out virtual ones will have to do. They're just as good really.

I'm in a&e. Spoke to a lovely Samaritans woman for a long while but I've been waiting hours. Trying to cope and not get weird. Managing ok, just need someone to be there.



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Old 24-12-2015, 05:18 PM   #12
when.will.it.end
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I'm back on the ward now. Saw the consultant who is advising I stay on the ward and don't have overnight leave so I'm here until past new year. Need to get dissociative stuff under cotnrol, he was very understanding about it. It means I'll be spending christmas day in hospital though :( my sister is going to be devastated that I wont be there and ill miss her to but think this is probabl for the bed, my laptop brokw so i cant watch any dvds :(

Has anyone spent chritmas day in hospital before?



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Old 24-12-2015, 06:18 PM   #13
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I've spent Christmas day in hospital. I think it was OK. We had Christmas dinner and crackers and the staff tried to make it nice. The ward was very quiet as most people were either discharged or given leave for at least the day. In some ways that was nice though as it meant less people to kick off/cause trouble. Some families came in - mine did, with a couple of presents. I also spent new year on the ward, but I don't remember most of that. I think I just went to bed early. The staff generally do try to make it as nice as possible though. I hope the day passes OK for you. :)



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Old 24-12-2015, 06:52 PM   #14
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Thank you.

Hopefully it'll be ok. Most people are on leave so think it will be quiet. Feel really down about it but need to be safe I suppose



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