CMHT have abandoned me, cant cope - Page 10

chinahorse · 30-05-2020, 07:04 PM

I am home. I feel worse than before. I feel so low. I feel so alone.

Harley · 30-05-2020, 07:33 PM

Noo don't feel down, I know it's been a rubbish day but you're not alone - I've just started a spontanious Lillie party to cheer you up!

Unbreakable. · 30-05-2020, 08:03 PM

No wonder you're feeling down after such a rough day.

Do cuddles with Bertie potentially help with the lonliness?
Or is there anyone you can call for a chat?

one_step_closer · 30-05-2020, 08:31 PM

This whole day was bound to end to low feelings. Remind yourself that you're not on your own. Will you be walking any dogs any time soon? I know you enjoy that. As for tonight see if Bertie will give you some attention and do lots of soothing and self care things. You are important.

Harley's party looks a bit wild, I'd maybe give it a miss if I were you!

chinahorse · 31-05-2020, 09:11 AM

Thanks for the lillie party!

Bertie willie affectionate but no cuddles when it's this hot.

I'm not sure what to do today. I mostly am just planning to self harm again.

Harley · 31-05-2020, 09:18 AM

It was an excellent party - no need for social distancing and bans on mass gatherings online!

Lindsay complained about the noise initially, but was dancing on the bar by the end of the night

Yesterday was a rough day, but today is a different day. You've got people here to spill to, getting some stuff off your chest will help ease those feelings. Combine that with some self loving, spoiling yourself a bit and maybe plan and cook yourself something nice to eat, and see if today can be a better day?

one_step_closer · 31-05-2020, 09:46 AM

It's sad that self harm has become a planned thing for you. When other people use it impulsively and try not to do it at all. Why do you think it is an all consuming thing for you right now? I agree with Harley that you should try and plan some nicer things for your day and treat yourself with the kindness we all know you deserve. If you can't be kind to yourself is there anyone you can reach out to? Could you go for a walk with your Dad and the dog again?

chinahorse · 31-05-2020, 09:57 AM

I dont cook. It's far too hot to cook anyway!! I do need to go to the shop for laundry stuff so could get some nice fresh fruit that I enjoy like pineapple.

I feel sad too lindsay. And bad that this is how it is. But I need the pain to atone for the evil, to stop it spreading and so that I get a break from everything.

Only people who are geographically close are parents. I dont want to see mum again so soon as we have a strained relationship and I enjoy our time together but have to watch what I say. And it's too hot for a dog walk. I feel very isolated from people. And it hurts a lot when people say see a friend because my closest friend is an hours drive away. And I cant drive because I was sectioned and missed my test. And there really is no one to call.

Harley · 31-05-2020, 10:01 AM

Yeah cooking doesn't have to be a hot stew or anything! It can be a colourful fruit salad, that is just as good - if not better!

I know it's not quite the same, but we're all here and happy to do whatever it takes to help you get through the day

one_step_closer · 31-05-2020, 10:02 AM

Definitely get some pineapple or something. That would be a nice treat. I know your beliefs but you truly are not an evil person, there are plenty of evil people out there and I wouldn't group you with them. What does self harming give you a break from? Would your Dad go for a walk with you without the dog? Or could you go for a nice walk yourself and try and stay out of your head and notice all the things that are pleasing around you? I know that doesn't help the loneliness but getting away from the things inside of your head would also be a good break.

chinahorse · 02-06-2020, 03:47 PM

I cant cope.

Unbreakable. · 02-06-2020, 04:47 PM

What's going on?

chinahorse · 02-06-2020, 04:54 PM

This is the 4th day in a row I've needed to go to a and e for self harm. I'm using it because I cant cope. I dont know how to speak anymore. I'm so so fed up with being alive. I am so alone.

tamobhuuta · 02-06-2020, 05:06 PM

Did they offer you support at a&e, like the Crisis Team or something?

chinahorse · 02-06-2020, 08:29 PM

Not this time. We started talking and then someone came in to help and she never re started the conversation. Then I cried throughout the whole thing and she thought it was pain and it was a bit but mostly hopelessness.

chinahorse · 02-06-2020, 08:32 PM

And I have eaten so much food today looking for comfort and I feel disgusting. Even morediagusting.

Auror. · 02-06-2020, 09:13 PM

I am unsure what to say other than I'm glad you are at the very least getting medical attention when you need it. I know that can't be easy for you. Can you ask for mental health support if you are there again if that would be helpful? Or contact your CPN?

Unbreakable. · 03-06-2020, 05:43 AM

Is there anything in particular that is escalating your self harm at the moment?

I am sorry that A&E staff hasn't been very helpful overall.

chinahorse · 03-06-2020, 09:07 AM

I am a burden. I do not deserve mental health support. I must be the funny one that makes people smile. That's my role.

My CPN is on leave until Friday but she is not expected to be in on Friday as she is unwell.

I want to not exist. And self harm is a way of shutting up Him, shutting up the obsessive thoughts about evil and cleaning and infecting people. Cutting allows me a few moments of peace. I cant achieve it any other way right now. Even when I accidentally mixed two prescription meds (that no one told me not to do) and I felt sedated and drunk there was no peace. Everything is going so fast all the time.

I'm terrified of going back to work. Even though I want to go back to work. And my way of dealing with that feeling has always been self harm too.

And really as lo g as it stays at cutting that's ok right?

Unbreakable. · 03-06-2020, 01:01 PM

I don't think that hurting yourself in any way, shape or form is okay.
But I understand that you are trying your best and that you are hurting so badly that self harm feels like the only way to go.

Is there anyone you can talk to regarding your anxieties about returning to work? Is there a Union Rep or anyone else that functions as a mediator between employees and employer?

Is anyone available to cover for your CPN as to not leave your support-less?

I don't think you are a burden at all.
And I firmly believe that there is no such a thing as "not deserving" help. You exist, and that is enough, and it is all it needs for you to deserve support and proper treatment.