How are you doing Beckie? You have been very quiet which isn't like you.
Wannabe CPN : -)
"He who is tired of Weird Al is tired of life." - Homer Simpson "I hear those voices that will not be drowned" Sanity is a nasty disease. The world would be a happier place without it. - Rilic
RIP Kat 4th July 1987- 11th June 2013
Sorry you are having bad days Beckie I hope things pick up soon. Good luck for the tribunal.
Wannabe CPN : -)
"He who is tired of Weird Al is tired of life." - Homer Simpson "I hear those voices that will not be drowned" Sanity is a nasty disease. The world would be a happier place without it. - Rilic
RIP Kat 4th July 1987- 11th June 2013
I don't know why i seem to have suddenly reverted back to 2010 Beckie.
Today i smashed a window. As well as stealing and trying to smash a mug yesterday.
I do not like 2010 Beckie. I do not want her to come back. And i don't know why she is coming back.
I tried to talk to staff about it but she just said to 'think positively'
I did take.prn before breaking the window but it didn't work. And i did ask to talk to staff but they said they were too busy.
The doctors said to give lorazepam after the incident. Which has worked but I'm starting to get agitated again.
J one of the nurses who came when the alarm was pulled kept saying 'this is not you'
And it isn't. Not anymore. Im so worried though. J kept talking about seclusion and i don't want to go to seclusion
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
Sorry to hear all that has been happening. It sounds like you're getting really frustrated with things and that's understandable. This doesn't have to mean 2010 Beckie is coming back, I'd say try to talk to staff as much as possible about how you're feeling to hopefully avoid breaking things etc but I know staff aren't always available/good to talk to. Use your PRN too if needed of course. Can you think of anything else safe that would help? I hope you get the best result for you at your tribunal. It may not go the way you want it to but trust that it's the best decision. Keep taking your meds and listen to suggestions from the staff, hopefully things will start to improve even just a tiny bit at a time and then you can get home. You won't be there forever although I'm guessing it already feels like you've been in hospital forever. We're all here for you when we can be. Post if it helps.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Thanks lindsay
I am getting very frustrated
Nice doctor and junior doctor just came to talk to me.
They said to use lorazepam instead of promethazine if possible because it works faster/does more.
And he talked about coping skills and recommended some things to watch on the ipad. Though I'm still worried about getting messages from the ipad and making things worse.
Just.spoken to my solicitor. He.went through some of the questions he will ask me. And will.call me tomorrow as well. Tribunal is at 2.
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
I'm glad you got to speak to the nice doctor and the junior doctor and I hope that using Lorazepam is better for you. Maybe you could try watching something on your iPad and try not to worry about messages although I know that won't be easy. If you can get stuck into something that would help and if there are messages then just put the iPad to the side and don't listen to them any more. I'll be thinking about you tomorrow.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm just worried about getting addicted to benzos. I'm already on clonazepam twice a day.
Or being seen as a drug seeker
Though nice doctor said that none of them think that about me
Thanks lindsay
I'm feeling incredibly tired due to all the meds I've had today
I'm still worried I'm going to be arrested though
Even though the support worker i asked said she wouldn't have thought i would. But i know hospitals are really cracking down on criminal damage stuff.
I knew one girl who had to pay back £5000 because of all the damage she caused.
Honestly I'd be more than happy to pay for the window. You break it, you buy it. Or whatever that saying is.
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
Things sound like they’re really really tough right now but I want you to know that I think you’re being so incredibly brave and strong. You’re still fighting every single day. You said you don’t like 2010 Beckie and you don’t want her to come back - if I recall (from my lurker days!) 2010 Beckie did more than just break a window and a mug (and she also deserves compassion and love because she was hurting and scared too). Of course you’re sad and frustrated and confused but you’re doing so incredibly well - a couple of weeks ago, even a week ago things were pretty dire and *you* brought yourself back from that. Recovering from this shit is going to bring up some big feelings and it’s going to be really hard not to lash out at times. Let the staff be the judges of what’s acceptable with the window. It sounds like they’re being incredibly kind and let’s face it, they’re not always renowned for their kindness so I honestly don’t think they blame you.
I don’t have much to say about the PRN stuff but if they’re offering it, it’s definitely ok to take it and they’ll let you know if it’s not.
Keep fighting, beautiful brave woman. You have got this. Give it the time it needs and you’ll be back out in the world seeing Jasmine and working and going to see incredible live emo music!
Will be thinking of you tomorrow.
<3
'It's an impossible choice ... I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.'
"You're not scared of climbing mountains. You're scared that you can't make them move."
The staff are being nice about it.
J, who is renowned for being a total b*tch most of the time, was one of the people who responded and said that it's not me. It's not the person she knows. Though she did then mention seclusion. But she was kind (for her)
And D said they know it's because I'm not very well and it's not something i would do normally.
I do have much regret though.
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
If I recall and correct me if wrong, 2010 beckie wouldn't have tried talking to staff or asking for prn first before incidents either. You're doing the right things to try to prevent them. I know your physical health is not great at the moment, but would it be worth asking if there are any medically safe physical things you could try to do to maybe release some of the frustration?
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
Thank you both
Music suggestions would be great
Actually going to see PoTF in may(?) I have converted my friend and now it's on his most played on spotify lol
That is actually very true Camden
I wouldn't have tried any of those things
My physical health is a lot better. I'd really like to just go for a walk. But i don't think they'll let me after today
At least the doctors have recommended i go straight for the lorazepam next time. Because clearly promethazine is doing nothing. And i feel reassured that they think that too.
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
I think realistically, you knew that. You’ve been really unwell recently and although you still believe the demos etc are real, the professionals are of the opinion they are not and therefore are pikely to advocate you being in hospital.
Yeah i kind of did know that.
But I'm still disappointed.
I've been here for ages and people are still saying I'm ill
I want to at least be informal. So i can go outside.
Apparently i will be charged for the window.
I am more than happy to pay for the window
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
Thank you!
I have just started listening to starset because some of their songs came on suggested on amazon music even though I'd never heard of them! I love them!
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
Agree with the Starset love. My Demons is my favourite out of the limited songs I have listened to though when I last checked it wasn't included with prime. I bought it though.
Wannabe CPN : -)
"He who is tired of Weird Al is tired of life." - Homer Simpson "I hear those voices that will not be drowned" Sanity is a nasty disease. The world would be a happier place without it. - Rilic
RIP Kat 4th July 1987- 11th June 2013