Weight gain

[tiptoes]

I'm really struggling with my weight and body image.

I have a 2 year old and in pregnancy I had hyperemesis and struggled to put weight on. After that I breastfed my daughter with allergies. She was allergic to foods I was eating so I had to remove her allergens from my diet too which meant I was on a very restricted diet. Coupled with walking for hours a day as it was the only way to get her to stay asleep was to walk led to me losing a lot of weight and getting quite underweight.

Then everything flipped when at 9 months I went into a MBU to start lithium and to stop breastfeeding. I could see the weight going on by the time I left I was no longer underweight. After a few months I was back at my typical weight from here I've gained more and more and more. I'm bigger than I have ever been which is bad enough but to have swung to this point from being underweight is a bit of a mind****

I'm secretly eating crap. I don't do enough exercise but have recently started a Pilates class. Prepregnancy and COVID I was so active but now I'm not. I don't have the energy. I was in my severe pnd depression for 2 years. Family life has been 3 years of chaos and drama. It all takes a lot of headspace and I don't have the emotional skills to deal with it all. Food is where I have always turned but it's so difficult at the moment as it's predominantly binge eating.

[Pi.R^2]

What a chaotic and challenging few years you've had. It seems like there's two bits here- managing feelings/opinions around being at a higher weight than you're used to and managing binging.

What does being at a higher weight mean to you? I realise "don't like being bigger *scowl*" is pretty much the answer, but I don't know if it's worth unpicking that a bit more and talking through it? I think for me it sometimes does; trying to force myself to explain what's uncomfortable and then basically frowning at myself for the fact that all my actual complaints go so badly against everything I believe about fat liberation, body positivity and inspiring others to not be ashamed of their bodies. Not that guilting oneself is really the optimal suggestion here, but like, for me it does help a little bit to try to keep things in perspective???

In terms of binging, are there any other (non-behavioural!) things you've done in the past as coping strategies?

[tiptoes]

Hi Jenna, I stepped away to give your reply some careful consideration and life cropped up.

Shame. I feel so much shame. My mum brought us up to believe that the worst thing we could do or be was overweight but then mum put those judgements on us when we were normal and underweight and anorexic too. My grandparents were overweight after a lifetime of overeating to cope with bereavement of their son. My mum berated them constantly when we were kids as well as calling us fat when being far from it.

I'm trying to make some sensible changes. Reading the portion size on a packet rather than eating the packet ignoring that it was actually 42 portions which I was doing. I have started running again. I've only managed 10minute runs but it's something to build from and I have continued the pilates class, its a tough class but I'm enjoying it.

A friend asked me I was pregnant again the other day, I'm not. So that was HARD!!! I'm trying really hard to eat and trying hard not to binge. It's such a battle in my head constantly. Wanting to eat everything and nothing simultaneously. It's mostly averages out but it's a tole on my emotional health

[Pi.R^2]

Sorry for my reply fail!!

That shame sounds really painful and deeply rooted. What do you think about the way your mum brought you up with regards to your body? What message about bodies and food do you want to give your child as they grow older?

I’m glad you’re enjoying the pilates class- it sounds like you’re engaging with that in a healthy way :)

Have you been managing to eat since that annoying comment from your friend?

[tiptoes]

Don't worry! Whenever you reply it's always greatly appreciated

It's hard, I know she is wrong. I spoke about it a lot during post natal therapy but but but they are burned into my soul and I can't shake them off.
I know my size is the thing she is most proud of. They only good thing I have done is be thin(ish)
I know it's bollocks but it's too strong
I don't want M to grow up like we did. I am trying really hard not too but she is teeny tiny and I'm try to be neutral about that

I was able to eat. I am bouncing between restricting and bingeing with the odd purging too. It was more toward restriction and I lost a bit of weight. Then we went on holiday and now I firmly in bingeing mode and regained everything. I feel disgusted with myself.
I went to Tesco the other day a lunch and came home with a basket of crap. When I went to pick up munchkin I saw my husband drive home and all the way to nursery and back I thought I had left the wrappers in the lunch and I felt so ashamed. I didn't know how to explain to hubby they only reason I could come up with was "I hate myself" now the phrase is stuck in my head.

I'm disgusting I have wrappers hidden everywhere disposing of them when I go back to the shop for more food or taking them to the office when I go in or my mum's bin. I'm so ashamed.

I don't know how to deal with feelings. I don't really know what the feelings are or where they have come from.

I don't want to worry hubby as we have just started discussing having a second child and the biggest blocker has been my mental health. I would have to come off the lithium too and I think that would help with the weight gain too as I started to put on weight quite quickly after starting lithium but I did stop breastfeeding, doing long walking naps and went back to a normal diet rather than the allergy free diet so it could be a coincidence.

My pilates is now off until sept so I need to find something small to do. So far my activity has been to work to the corner shop for ice-cream so not balanced.

[Pi.R^2]

How awful that your size is what your mum is most proud of :( When you think of all the things you've achieved as well!! I know it doesn't change anything but I'm so sorry that you were brought up in that way; you deserve so much better.

I'm pleased that you know it's wrong and want so much better for M. There's a book I would recommend for promoting good body image in children, but I worry that you might find it a bit intense and guilt-trippy, so maybe at some point if you feel like you're in a good place I could pass it on to you?

I admit that I don't know a lot about binging but from reading things I'm getting an idea of the shame associated and that's a lot to bear. It seems as though you've got a really fixed idea of 'bad' and 'good' food and I can see that binging on ice cream etc feels bad and is a behaviour rather than listening to hunger cues etc, but do you think that's spilled over into viewing any amount of ice cream/other tasty snacks as 'bad'? And perhaps demonising entire food groups is contributing to things a bit. Like, if in your head having a portion of chocolate is bad anyway, then the forbidden-ness makes it more likely to become a binge?

idk, this feels rambly, I'm sorry if it's completely unhelpful.

[tiptoes]

Thank you. Sorry it has been awhile. I have just been so disgusted with myself. I ended up back at my highest weight and bingeing so much. The other day I glanced down at my desk mid morning and realised that it was covered in wrappers and I had spent most of my time eating. I am tired of hiding food and then disposing of the evidence. I think I know where all the local public bins are. I just feel so much shame. We have had a couple of days away as a family and it has provided a bit of a reset in my mind so I now feel in a better headspace to improve my behaviours. I have been in such a vicious cycle of eating, feeling horrid then eating more. I look at the food I have bought with dread of the shame eating it will bring. I tell myself if I just get rid of (eat) it all the next day will be a better day as I won't binge as the food has gone but all that happens is another trip to the shop.

Thank you, the therapy I had after M was born did help. The therapist said similar to you.

I would like it if you could pass it on and when I feel able to, I will look into it x

A lot of the shame, for me at least, isn't to do with good or bad food although it doesn't help. It's more to do with the volume or the sharing of food. I remember years ago watching one of those channel 4 documentaries. The woman would hide from her family to eat family sized foods. The presenter said it's a sharing food for enjoying a shared moment with your loved ones rather than guiltily hiding them away. It really stuck with me. I look at the wrappers and think I really should have saved this to eat with my husband. I buy fancy dessert meant for two. I always tell myself I'll save them to treat him too but it never happens. I am stealing moments of connection with the person I love to indulge in self hatred. I'm too old to be stuffing down the feelings of a borderline abusive mother but here I am.

[Pi.R^2]

So sorry to hear that things haven't been going great, I can really hear all this shame that you're piling onto yourself and you don't deserve it. I'm not sure there's any age that's too old to be engaging in behaviours to deal with really intense and traumatic feelings. It seems excessive to shame yourself about being 'too old' for this relating to a behaviour that already brings you so much shame!

It's interesting the effect that documentary had on you - I can definitely see how it might make you feel. In a way I can see the intended sentiment, that it's a shame when food because something to fear and dread, since eating (alone or with loved ones) can be such a joyful positive thing but that's a reflection on the pain of eating disorders rather than throwing any shade on the sufferers.

How aware is your husband of what's going on for you at the moment?

Also Body Happy Kids by Molly Forbes :)