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Old 29-03-2021, 03:08 PM   #21
FlyingPeanuts
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I'm almost certain she'd prefer to be woken but, but she needs to sleep and i don't want to inconvenience her. I don't ha any tools I'm used to using, nor to I have the money to get them, so if I did do anything, I'd be using something I'm not used to, and I don't feel I'm stable enough to be able to learn how to use other methods "safely". (for clarification, I know no form of self-harm is safe, but I think that's the closest word I can find to what I'm trying to express)

Bun was put down this morning, about 3 or 4 hours ago. She went quickly, and wasn't far off going before we took her to the vet. The vet we went to charged a ridiculous amount in comparison to other vets prices, and that's made me feel very... uncomfortable that some places just exploit loss like that.

In a positive news that means I don't have to try and reconcile bad trauma feelings, my mother doesn't have cancer; it's just a fatty lump. However this past few weeks have been so rough and I've just been so out of it. I think it started with being rejected by the other clinic, and I'm... kind of aware that what I'm thinking and feeling isn't "right" and I don't know how to explain it.

There's another thing I'm adding as a weird, irrelevant addition. It's been bothering me, probably as a distraction from everythign with Bun. A few weeks ago (?) (it might not have been but my sense of time is horrendous) I found a plushie dog I used to have as a kid on eBay. My wife went outside of our budget to get him for me, and I thought it'd be nice to have a toy dog like my old one, because my old one was very important to me (my mum used to just throw my stuff out whenever she wanted and my old one was a victim of that) and, well. My brain can't distinguish between the old one and the new one properly. It's causing all sorts of weird issues, including nightmares about losing this specific toy dog repeatedly. Does anyone know a way I can try to separate the two in my mind? Because although I know they aren't the same, it's like, deep down I don't truly know that.

This is a total mess. There's a lot going on in my head right now, and I know that can be a sign that my brain's just going to give up for a bit soon so while I know I have these thoughts and feelings, I wanted to mention them and see if anything can be done.

Oh, and I'm also concerned because my wife heads off to work in 3 hours, and will be gone for 12 hours. I'm not sure I can cope with being alone right now but I don't really have anyone I can talk to or contact, and I don't really know what to do but being alone isn't going to be good for me.



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Old 05-04-2021, 06:44 PM   #22
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It's been a rough week. I'm not coping with losing my rabbit. Some friends helped fundraise to have her cremated, which was nice, and I'm glad to have her home again. I keep panicking and imaging that we had her burnt alive. I don't have the words to explain it because it doesn't make sense, but it reminds me of nightmares I used to have. I feel like I'm losing my mind, and I'm trying to be patient with myself, but my wife really wants me back in work, and I know I can't. There's too much. It's all too much, and I want to escape.



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Old 11-04-2021, 10:01 PM   #23
Auror.
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I have read. I am currently unsure what to say. Dealing with the death of creatures we love can be really hard. Also If you don't think you're able to go back to work, hopefully your wife can be understanding of that. There's no point in making yourself worse by trying something you can't do right now.



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Old 14-04-2021, 02:49 AM   #24
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thank you. i appreciate the response. i think just having what's going an properly acknowledged is somewhat beneficial to me, if that makes sense? especially since i find it so difficult to piece it all together in my head and acknowledge how ill i must actually be, because i think i'm "only ill" when i' actually doing the self destructive behaviours, even though i can see that isn't truthfully the case.

i think i'm dealing with losing bun bun the way i deal with loss usually: just forgetting about it. it's fine, i guess, until i look where her cage should be or i look at the box of her ashes (although now i'm struggling to process that those ashes are her remains, so that one's not affecting me so much, but i don't think that's a good thing). eventually, my brain will just try and make me think she never existed to begin with, and i'm sure that's not normal.

as far as work goes, my wife's pressuring me to show her my cv, and have me constantly actively looking for work, no exceptions. financially, we're barely surviving, and i know it'd be okay if i were working but it's all too much. existing is too much, and everything that comes with that. i feel so disgusting and selfish because i know she struggles too, and yet i'm sat here at home refusing to work because what? some people hurt me and now i whine about it on the internet because no one wants to help me? what's going to change? what's the fucking point?

i don't know where that bitterness came from, but it does i guess show how pathetic i feel for feeling like i can't do basic human things.



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