In 2017, I moved out of my mother's house, and headed off to university. Within a month, I had fallen into extending my range of unhealthy coping mechanisms, which I became dependent on as I started having flashbacks to things that happened when I was a child. The majority of these flashbacks I would forget not long after, which scared me, but I decided to ignore it.
Since then, I've begun to dissociate progressively more noticeably. I haven't worked for a year, but my last job I lost partially due to the extent of the dissociation and also my anxiety (as well as transphobia I faced from the boss of the company). It reached a point where I was losing whole days - I'd wake up and get ready, and the next thing I knew, I was back at home with no idea if I'd even been to work.
My memory's getting progressively worse, to the extent where I don't remember feeling things even shortly after feeling them. I struggle to sleep because I have nightmares almost constantly.
I live with my partner, and she's very understanding and helpful most of the time, and does everything she can to help, but I feel extremely guilty, because I don't "seem that ill". I'm not actively engaging in any damaging behaviours currently, but I constantly feel like I'm just one day day, one wrong move, away from doing something.
I've contacted the NHS, and have an assessment for therapies on Tuesday. My previous experiences with the NHS have been being written off as too ill for basic treatment, but also not ill enough for anything more, and so being given anti-depressants and being sent on my merry way. I'm very aware that I'm going to stay stuck in this cycle until I get help with the PTSD things, but I'm terrified that I'm going to get this close to potential help again, for them to rip it away and tell me I'm fine.
Things aren't fine, but sometimes I don't even remember things aren't fine, so I can't even trust myself not to sabotage it. I don't know what I should say on Tuesday, but I know I need help to even put my thoughts and needs into something concise without oversharing. Does anyone have any advice on how to explain things and how I can prepare?
I've tried writing things down, but then I'm just not sure if it's something worth mentioning yet, how much is right to say for an initial appointment. I typically either overshare or "seem fine" and I don't really want either of those to happen, because if i overshare, I'll just avoid any appointments that come after through shame.
Actually, that's a really good idea. I'll definitely write that down on my list of things to say.
Would it be "wrong" of me to focus less on mentioning about urges and "typical anxiety and depression things" in favour of trying to get support to help with the trauma related things, since for the most part I'm used to dealing with the ready of it?
I've started panicking earlier than I expected to. I've made a list of what I've remembered so far that I ought to say, but I feel so unprepared. I don't know if I'm ready to talk about the things from my childhood that I do remember, but I probably have to if I want the support I need, and I need that support to be able to move forward. I keep trying to look at it logically like that, but it does nothing to make me feel less uneasy.
I couldn't get my words out or stay grounded. But it seems like they won't be able to do much to help me. My issues are too long term and they said they're going to look to see where can treat me, but it all just feels pointless.
I’m not sure when I’ll hear back from them - supposedly they’ll email me once they’ve finished my report, but I haven’t taken the fact that I’m “too ill” very well at all, I think. I’ve been losing more time these past few days, and although it seems mostly fine as I seem to be staying in my house, it’s still super jarring and scary. I think urges have been worse too, but I literally don’t remember. It’s so frustrating.
the therapy people tried calling me multiple times today, despite me telling them not to do that as i sleep during the day as my wife works night shifts. they'd told me they would email me a "report" and allow me to arrange an appointment with them after. instead, they've don exactly what i asked them not to do, and they told me they wouldn't call because i told them it was pointless. i'm sorry if this isn't coherent i'm pretty out of it but i decided to update this because i don't know what to do now.
Updates, because the world really doesn't want to give me a break.
That particular place discharged me, as expected, because my trauma issues are too long-term and severe for them to take at the moment.
I'm currently relying on a notebook where I write down exactly what I'm doing every 30 minutes because I keep losing time. Sometimes I literally just write "?".
My mother might have cancer, which has led to me feeling worse. I don't know how to feel about it. On one hand, she's my mother and I love her. On the other, she spent 20 years neglecting and emotionally abusing me.
I came to a realisation a few days ago that most of my memories either feel like dreams or me watching it happen, or I just don't remember. I remembered telling someone about one of the memories that I've forgotten, which means I still know what happened, but I don't remember it at all.
I'm struggling with sleeping because I have nightmares every night, to the point where I'm afraid to sleep.
All the memory issues are making me feel like I'm completely losing my mind, my GP is terrible and has broken confidentiality to tell my mother things that didn't need to be shared in the past. I don't trust her, but the other doctors at that surgery are even worse for mental health things. I feel like things are never going to get better, because I don't know how to articulate what's going on. Whenever a professional says the word "trauma" to me I shut down completely. I know I'm going to have to go back to my GP again. I jsut don't know how to, or what to say. I'm just so, so tired.
I wish I knew what to say. I struggle with losing time and nightmares too and it is really exhausting and really scary. Did the place offer any recommendations for where can help?
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
All they told me to do was go back to my GP and see where she can refer me next, but because I'm not planning to self harm or anything, they don't ever take me seriously. Last night (or was it this morning I don't know) i was having a lot of intrusive thoughts about doing a self destructive thing that I'm completely squeamish about but I was still tempted to do it, just because then the mental health services might actually take me seriously. I know that's rationally not a good way of looking at it but I don't think I can cope with being turned away again.
sorry if this is all incoherent. i''m not even entirely sure what i'm asking for. maybe advice on how to process things?
i don't process death well. it's bad enough that i forget my grandad's gone and that was over 4 years ago. my brain also tried to process the loss of anything material that isn't living as "death" also, which means i don't process it, i just forget most of the time. it makes my nightmares worth. a lot of my nightmares are about various types of loss. it relates to some of the shit my mother pulled when i was a kid.
i've always struggled with animal death. it was something i faced a lot as a kid (can elaborate on that privately but not discussing here) and so i feel like i should be used to it. especially since, after giving my old cat up for adoption a couple of years ago, i've really struggled to bond with animals.
my rabbit is most likely dying. my wife and i have spent money we don't really have trying to keep her alive, and she's getting worse. i don't know how to process it, how to deal with it, anything. i'm vaguely aware that if we do lose her, i'll probably return to unhealthy coping mechanisms, and i'm not sure how to not do that either. i just don't know anything. i barely remember this past week, and i just want to hide.
I understand wanting to hide with so many things going on. I really, really do. I hope someone can help you to stay grounded as much as possible for the next while.
I am the same with animals. I have lost my fair share and it never really gets any easier and i never Seem to get used to it either. Which i honestly Think is a healthy sign. I'd be more worried if you didn't care at all. And there really isn't any such thing as caring too deeply about death. It affects us all differently and some people take things a lot closer to heart. And that is okay. Sadly, we Will outlive most of our pets and even though it is hard to see them go, it doesn't take away the fact that we loved a tiny being and did out best to make their lives the best possible ones.
This Will probably not make a lot of difference to your situation but i've found a lot of professionals are quite uninformed or inexperineced in dissociation. If it is in any Way possible i'd try to find someone who could teach you to Ground, properly. But you'd probably need to go into the private sector to find that. Which can be both difficult financially and overwhelming as a task.
I do believe you can be helped. There is no such thing as 'too ill' for help, it's just a matter of the right person being willing to rise to the Challenge. Sadly, the right person can be difficult to come across in the public system as it is often a bit hit and miss if you click with a therapist/cpn/whatever.
You're not a lost cause. Please try and hold on to that!!!! If you are still attempting to acces some help try to mention to them that you need someone experienced in trauma.
Let us know if there is anything we can do. And keep talking here. Xx
In terms of processing a pet's death, does it help to think that you did your utmost best, that she had a good life and that when she goes it means she won't be suffering any more?
I'm really sorry about bun bun. I do honestly know how hard it is.
I'll read that later but I can barely process that right now. My wife and I have talked about it, and discussed with my mother, and we all agree we need to have her put down. As it's a Sunday, and emergency vets are chronically crap, we don't want her being taken in and messed around with by the emergency vets, who probably won't just let her go. So my wife and I are going to just try and keep her comfortable until tomorrow morning, and if she doesn't go in the night, we'll take her to the vets tomorrow. I don't want her to suffer, but it's like... weighing up the lesser of two evils, it feels.
I genuinely have no idea how I've managed to type this so coherently; I'm a total mess right now. My wife's gone to bed and I want t do things I know I shouldn't do right now, but my wife getting sleep is more important than me feeling like I might do stupid things.
Really unsure what to say but have read and just wanted to say that your safety is really important, and maybe when your wife is awake it's worth having a talk with her re if she would prefer to be woken up if you're feeling unsafe or prefer you harm yourself?
It sounds like you're doing the right thing for your rabbit and you have a solid plan in place. I'm so so sorry. Pets are just as much members of our families as humans are and it can hurt so much when they are not okay or pass away.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
