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Old 17-06-2020, 06:21 PM   #2441
Zurg
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Lindsay, i hope you can take this time to focus on being in a safer place and getting to a place where you feel better and more able to handle the world around you and all its expectations.
Sometimes hospital is a respite in the sense that it disconnects you from the things that you struggle with every day. I hope this stay Will help you to feel better equipped and ready to face the world outside again. I wish hospital could provide a more long term perspective and not just be used as the last resort when people can't keep themselves safe. Take this opportunity to talk to the staff members and use the support that is around you. I wish you all the best.
xxx

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Old 16-07-2020, 03:03 PM   #2442
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I've been back after how many weeks I don't know. And the time seems to be warped every day. Thank you for your kind messages. When I was in hospital I was left with blank memories and I don't know what I was doing. Such as I went to ask a nurse if the dinner was out and she said no it'a now toast time and she had asked me if I wanted some dinner. My dorm was right next to the nurses station so I only had a short walk to get to where they were and once I had started walking I realised I couldn't remember what I was going to say. Now I'm home and still confused. My meds are different and I seem to not be taking them right because I have extra left over once I've put them into the boxes. I've put reminders in my phone and also ones that tell me when to eat. I'm hoping to get back replying to things today, I need to be back here.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 16-07-2020, 05:04 PM   #2443
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Good to see you back. Things sound hard. It would be a good idea to tell your professional about the meds confusion.

Also hugs.



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Old 16-07-2020, 05:54 PM   #2444
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Thank you. I wish I had the words. Both my speaking and writing are mixed up and I say stupid things and sound like I'm drunk. It's hard enough going to the chemist with so traffic and I'm not able to stop myself from swaying over to one side and my knees buckle a lot a sometimes I fall. I told my CPN when she phoned me but she said just to mention it until our telephone appointment on the 27th. My good feelings about being at home didn't last long. This really should have been the end this time.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 17-07-2020, 04:43 PM   #2445
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Oh, I'm sorry you're not feeling well, that sounds difficult. Have you considered getting in touch with your GP and discussing your symptoms? They seem quite worrying. I'm sorry your CPN is expecting you to wait until 27th before you can talk about it.
Can you ask someone else to accompany you to the chemistry or to pick up your meds for you? It doesn't sound very safe to go out alone in your current state.
I know things are difficult right now, but I still hope you'll remain safe and I think it is a positive thing you're home now.
Hang on!

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Old 20-07-2020, 05:16 PM   #2446
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Thank you all. I still can't write well with a pen or write a long blog but there's a huge amount of stuff in my brain. I need to get it out and this seemed like a safe-ish place.

Now I've just written that I'm too tired and lacking in motivation etc. I'm just going to have to wait till things changed for the better. I hope you're all ok.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 21-07-2020, 11:39 AM   #2447
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I was ready to come home from hospital, maybe. They didn't talk with me about it they just had it hidden inside their minds. I do think I was ready leave hospital but I don't know if I was ready to cope with all the side effects and things. I don't know what time it is, even if I look at my clocks, my watch, my phone, and what that time even means. Anything I read makes no sense and when I text or talk to people they say they have no idea what I'm saying. I want to get back to writing in my journal, this is ok but I need to be writing every day in my journal. I've topped falling but I still get the knee spasms and I'm lucky enough usually to having something to fall against and get myself back in.

I'm hoping someone will allow me to get my meds a weekly tray or a depot because I have a pile of meds and I have no idea how I left so much of them untaken, I can't remember. They were going to go for a depot but the psych said if I stay on oral meds it's easy to increase or decrease them if needed.

I keep losing the time, it was like this in hospital where I asked things like is it dinner time? And they'd say no I didn't want any dinner So people have been interacting with me and I have no clue what was happening. It's just blank. I am also not being careful like leaving my glitter lamp on when I go to bed. I could create a fire if I'm not concentrating.

A good thing is the men seem to be taking a rest but they have sent a person to live in my house and follow me alone. She doesn't do much and all I can see of her is her gown thing which is a pink colour.

My CPN is on holiday this week but has asked for someone to phone me, at some time I have no idea. I'm having a phone call from my psych on the 27th too. I'm afraid everyone will say I just have to get on with things. My CPN suggest we speak once a week now, instead of twice, so that might happen when she comes back. I'm sorry I'm such an idiot who needs support from professionals so much.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 21-07-2020, 06:43 PM   #2448
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Lindsay, you're not an idiot. Not at all!!!!

I Think it's worrying with the things you are experiencing that they are thinking of taking away some of the support. I also Think it's worrying that you have to cope mostly alone while being in such a vulnerable state.

Maybe you were not, in fact, ready for discharge from hospital and maybe your mind is trying to somehow protect you from that by not processing things properly. Either Way, this needs to be adressed and soon. At least from my point of view.

Fact is that if they can get away with it, they'll sometimes tend to withdraw or withold support because they Think enough has been done. But if you are feeling like this then clearly not enough has been done!!!!!

I just wanted to say this here. I want you to realise that this is NOT your fault nor is it a sign of weakness or laziness. This is pretty serious and it seems to me they are falling to realise this.

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Old 21-07-2020, 06:58 PM   #2449
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Thank you. I'm worried that they might just stop my meds because of the side effects (which are not too bad at the moment because I am a fake) and they won't decide to try anything else.

I'm scared that this last admission was a strict and planned one, because my discharge note and my meds were already written up before I went into my MDT review. So this could happen in the future. I felt like I was ready just because I wanted out, my psychiatrist said she thinks I'm well.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 21-07-2020, 08:37 PM   #2450
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I Think sometimes professionals say a lot of bullshit in order to justify discharge before time because they have someone else pressing them for a bed.

This is not your fault. Nor are you a fake. If these people took the time to listen, really listen, then maybe they'd begin to see the bigger picture here. It does not matter if you feel like you are too reliant on services. Because if you are that is okay too and it clearly shows that you are lacking something important in your life that you feel you can get from them. And if the system worked like it's supposed to they would help you to find what you need in other places too. But it never fucking amounts to anything because there is never enough time or money. And that is not your fault but it's people like you who Fall victim to that.

I wish they could come and see you on here. I wish they could find the time and resources to understand that they need to handle this in another way.

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Old 21-07-2020, 10:27 PM   #2451
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I don't think you're a fake. I think that it's ok to have professional input long term if everyone concerned think it's best. Clearly they do atm because they are offering it to you. Also because you need it now doesn't mean it's the same in the future.



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"He who is tired of Weird Al is tired of life." - Homer Simpson
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Old 28-07-2020, 05:19 PM   #2452
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Thank you everyone. I'm still having quite bad side effects but they are lessening. It embarrasses me to talking to people I can't say much and what I do say people don't understand. Being admitted and getting discharge when I was deemed to hear 'you look good to me' to meaning we'll discharge now. I still feel it was like going home was planned and they all had it in their heads that I would be in for a specific time and no more. I think the new psych is better than the last one anyway.

Stupidly this morning I did a test for Covid and sent it this morning. I hope I quickly get a result that I'm fine and I can get out and about.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 28-07-2020, 09:40 PM   #2453
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I'm glad the side-effects are lessening. Are you finding this new medication helpful in terms of symptoms? It sounds really stressful trying to talk to people and having them not understand, I hope that eases soon!

What's stupid about doing a COVID test? I did one recently (though not postal) and got the results the same day which was awesome, so hopefully the postal one goes pretty quickly too :)



We may not see eye to eye, but we can respect each other's opinions and find the truth in them.
Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
we might see each other as imperfect humans, doing our best. ~ Jodi Picoult


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Old 31-07-2020, 05:35 PM   #2454
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Thank you.

It's a struggle to get my brain to type or talk etc and I'm really upset. This thread might take a very long time and still have mistakes I haven't realised. I am crying because words and communication I need in my life. I can't explain anything anyway. But it's like I'm talking a foreign language. I'm just talking to the general people who come in my head and the ones that come out of my head. I've been hurting myself. And today and yesterday kept telling me that my passwords on lots of pages and I change them and then it's just wrong again. I'll eventually log in again and then it fails again. I want nothing to do with the internet, but includes my feelings and I can be truthful here. I need some support here. I think either my CPN or support worker is on tomorrow. My support walker wants to walk to shops and see how I find it. My CPN I could maybe talk to but she often talks about things I don't need to talk about. I just looked and they're both phoning/I've to meet the support worker at the pharmacy but I've forgotten when. I don't want to miss my call from my CPN.

I put the stuff that was in the box room into a guest/brother's room but I put it all back because there's so much mess in that room already. It would have been good to go to a calming and get some peace from the cats etc right now. Life is all too much.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 01-08-2020, 12:53 PM   #2455
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Oh gosh you're having such a nightmare at the moment. Were you able to sort out seeing/speaking to you CPN/support worker? It sounds as though you really do need some in-person support right now so I hope they are supportive and helpful when you speak to them.

In the short term while things are so foggy, would it be worthwhile making a record of passwords in a notebook? I know that's not generally advisable but I don't think it'll do any harm for a little while, it's not like you have tons of people wandering through your house who could steal it!



We may not see eye to eye, but we can respect each other's opinions and find the truth in them.
Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
we might see each other as imperfect humans, doing our best. ~ Jodi Picoult


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Old 01-08-2020, 05:22 PM   #2456
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No one phoned me, I must have misunderstood and not the call will come out of the blue and I won't know what to say because I haven't replied or they might not want to talk about this because I've told them it all before. I think people were right before when they said one of my issues come form is isolation but it can't really be done much now and even when things are back to normal-ish my lack of ability will remain. I miss being able to go to the chemist to get my prescription, it was a small amount of exercise and brief conversation. I hope my covid test comes back saying I don't have it.

I'm really upset because after all of this when the covid lifts (but not forever) it will be hard to get back into things and there will be increasing bouts of pressure. I'm having really strong suicidal feelings tonight but I know I won't act on them. I need somebody to talk to. I hate having so much time in the day and sometimes it is too long and sometimes it's too short. I wish something could be sorted to have an appointment face to face with my CPN. I don't want normal people, I want kind professionals. I'm not really anyway. I want to hurt myself so badly.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 01-08-2020, 05:23 PM   #2457
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I keep a list in code on my phone so I always can link the right one to the right page, something weird is going on.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 01-08-2020, 06:09 PM   #2458
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Low on words but I've read and I care <3 Sending hugs (if that's okay)







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Old 01-08-2020, 07:38 PM   #2459
one_step_closer
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Thank you, much appreciated.

I always seem to have an ok time after just coming out of hospital and then everything goes wrong. Everything was going wrong before I left this last time and it has only gotten harder in some ways. I 100& feel suicidal, hugely, but I can't get it right and no one can take the feeling away from me. But someone has taken away my true voice. I can't writ any more in this post. I have worn out my words so quickly.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 02-08-2020, 03:28 PM   #2460
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I'm running around in my head trying to force the awful things in their to stop messing me up but the usual things don't help any more, cutting is one thing I rarely do now. I have some self harm methods that don't take too much effort but I'm trying to hold on. I don't know when I'm next having a phone call from my CPN. I really need to talk to her but I know I can never speak the right words. Even a simple sentence like "I really need out of this life" can't be understood that I am suicidal but even when I directly say I am suicidal it's ok to leave support as it is because I am 'managing.' They don't see me at home so how do they see I'm managing. The world has changed too much now and I think it will just get worse with all the changes. I will always, always be close to the edge.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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