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Old 04-07-2022, 06:25 AM   #1
inthegrey
 
Join Date: Jul 2022
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Contains abuse - back in the depths after a long time

I used to frequent this forum a long time ago, like 2012ish. things have changed so much since then. iím 27 now and while i feel so far removed from my teenage self, recently things have been bad again. i relapsed for the first time in 3 years tonight. i donít really know why. nothing in particular triggered this, but i feel as though iím just self destructing for no reason. a part of me is beating myself up for being this old and still being such a mess. i donít entirely know what iím trying to get out of posting on here. maybe nostalgia. maybe a sense of community. has anyone else relapsed as an adult after a long time being clean? how do you even begin to reconcile that with yourself?

i have friends who know i used to, but i feel as though i canít tell them. i have a long term boyfriend who also used to in high schoolÖbut i feel like he wonít understand why the hell i ran back to self destruction after so long.

i guess some things have been on my mind recently from the past. i grew up in an emotionally abusive (and sometimes physically abusive) home. i started self harming to cope with this in middle school. Iíve been diagnosed with PTSD from this, added on to by a sexual assault in my early college years. and later in life, a sexually and emotionally abusive relationship that was very traumatic and concluded in being stalked. i was diagnosed with adhd in my early 20s; this diagnosis led to me feeling seen for the first time in a long time. recently my adhd has been close to unmanageable and i feel like iím drowning trying to keep up with my work and home and everything else. i think that may have been what sent me over the edge. iím trying to reconnect with my inner childói think she needs a lot of love right now as i continue to grow and figure myself out. but with her being such a sad and dark kid, i feel like Iíve opened myself back up to a lot of those really heavy and painful thoughts. so here i am. this was kind of just a rant but, i wanted to speak somehow. so, hi, iím glad this site still exists.

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Old 09-07-2022, 05:19 PM   #2
Pi.R^2
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Hello, welcome back!

Sorry to hear that you're struggling at the moment. I haven't relapsed recently but for me, it's always been there and I've come close so I can really understand going back; I wonder if your boyfriend would understand a lot better than you are imagining?

Did you ever have any professional help for your your PTSD? Either way, if the memories are no longer safely contained somewhere you don't really think about it, maybe now is the time to try to engage in some therapy to help give you and that inner child some closure.



We may not see eye to eye, but we can respect each other's opinions and find the truth in them.
Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
we might see each other as imperfect humans, doing our best. ~ Jodi Picoult


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