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Old 22-04-2022, 08:06 PM   #1
asheee
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Contains sexual abuse - My case is over

Before I begin, I do not want to discourage anyone from reporting. It is incredible important so please do not read any further if a bad outcome would discourage you from reporting. Please, please. Please report.

Iím not going to go into any detail aside from the fact that this happened 13 years ago, when I was 16. After following a case for a number of months last year, I finally decided to report the assault to the police last November. Between then and January of this year, I had multiple phone calls with the DC in charge of the case who said each time that there was a lack of evidence, doesnít expect it to go any further etc.

In January, I had a video interview as evidence and it was the hardest thing Iíve ever had to do. I had to go over every detail, including the layout of the house, rooms etc. In February, I found out the perpetrator was arrested. This made me feel some sort of mania, I initially had a panic attack and was in shock and then felt like.. I could fly. Honestly, I just felt high from it. This was never something I believed, or was led to believe, would happen. I was told he would be invited for a voluntary interview.

A different officer called to go over the perpetratorís interview (he denied everything, of course) and he had said that if this were to go to court, would I go? This obviously got my hopes up (no matter how much I tried not to).

Last week then, it felt like my entire world fell apart in an instant. Wednesday 13th April marked 13 years since the assault. I had booked a few days off as I knew it would be difficult. I was doing relatively okay, all things considered. I remember being on the couch scrolling through Twitter and thought I should check my emails. Thatís when I found out the case wouldnít be going any further, there would be no further action taken against him.

I felt sick. I cried for hours. I felt suicidal. I felt I couldnít keep myself safe if I went to my bedroom so I stayed on the couch. A friend stayed up with me and talked for several hours, she was concerned and Iím grateful for that time with her. I was considering contacting emergency services but didnít want to go to hospital. I just wanted everything to stop. I knew the chance of it going to court was slim but how can you not get your hopes up? That youíll get some justice? I suppose the only thing I can take away from this is that he wasnít found innocent, there simply wasnít enough evidence.

Iím sorry this is so long. I need to get it out. ďLack of evidenceĒ - yeah, thatís my fault! I didnít go to the police, hospital, anything afterwards. I didnít tell anyone what happened for years. I didnít want to talk about it. I didnít know what had happened was serious enough, I thought it was my fault. I wanted to forget about it. Hereís the thing though, trying to forget about it hasnít worked out too well. I canít help but feel if I had just gone to the police at the time, if I had just told someone, if I had just done ANYTHING, this would be different. Yes, I know that he shouldnít have done what he did. But I feel responsible for anything that happened after the assault. You can tell me differently and I wonít believe you. If he assaulted someone else after me, how could I live with that? *Knowing* I could have stopped it had I just said something?

The two biggest things I hate about this is that I wonít get any justice for this, and that he could do it again. He got away with it. Itíll at least stay on his record if someone else were to come forward. But so few survivors come forward, how will they have the courage to do so, if they donít know someone else has? His name has not been released. I want to tell the entire world that yes, this person assaulted me. I want to make his life hell. I want to make sure that he never has the opportunity to hurt anyone ever again. How can I do that? The case was my one way of doing that and thatís been taken away from me.

I havenít responded to the email. What is there to say? Thanks for letting me know? Iím not thankful. Also, this is not a ďhuge disappointmentĒ (as the DC said in the email). There are no words to describe what this is, but ďhuge disappointmentĒ feels like a huge understatement.

I just want some peace from all of this. I donít know how to get that and I donít know how to move forward. There doesnít seem to be any ďgetting through thisĒ. I need an off switch. I have disassociated before and I want that again. I want to feel nothing.



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Old 30-04-2022, 11:58 AM   #2
Pi.R^2
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Hey Ashee,

First off, well done for reporting the abuse, you were so brave and I'm sorry that the case won't go any further.

I don't know what to say because I know you know stuff like "at least it's on his record for future etc" but I'm sending you my thoughts and I hope that you are able to start to move forward from this knowing that you did what you could. Have you ever received any trauma-specific help?



We may not see eye to eye, but we can respect each other's opinions and find the truth in them.
Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
we might see each other as imperfect humans, doing our best. ~ Jodi Picoult


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Old 06-05-2022, 03:40 AM   #3
asheee
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pi.R^2 View Post
Hey Ashee,

First off, well done for reporting the abuse, you were so brave and I'm sorry that the case won't go any further.

I don't know what to say because I know you know stuff like "at least it's on his record for future etc" but I'm sending you my thoughts and I hope that you are able to start to move forward from this knowing that you did what you could. Have you ever received any trauma-specific help?
Thanks, I appreciate that. I wish I could believe what you are saying, and what I would tell other survivors. I just feel incredibly responsible if he were to hurt someone else? I canít get beyond that. I go back to work on Monday after two weeks off. Iím not ready to go back but I canít afford more time off so it is what it is.

I currently have weekly sessions with a trauma-specific ďemotional support workerĒ. Theyíre not trained counsellors but itís basically a counselling session and I find that really helpful.



You can survive anything, as long as you survive



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Old 28-05-2022, 12:11 PM   #4
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If he hurts someone else that's on him and only him. I can't imagine how hard it must be living with the 'what if I'd reported it earlier' but there's a whole load of reasons that made that really difficult and no one would blame you. It's his responsibility and maybe the responsibility of any adults who knew what he was and what he did. But not you. You've been so incredibly brave and deserve to feel pride not guilt.

Did you go back to work? Hope it went well if so!

I'm glad to hear that you find your weekly sessions helpful and I hope that you continue to do so.



We may not see eye to eye, but we can respect each other's opinions and find the truth in them.
Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
we might see each other as imperfect humans, doing our best. ~ Jodi Picoult


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