I recently had a bit of a moment and went to hospital etc etc and have been prescribed an antipsychotic. Hooray. While I was in hospital it didn't have a huge effect on my appetite that I noticed, but for most of my stay the only food I had access to was the hospital food and I'm vegan and it was the same two microwave meals twice a day every day for five weeks and if I'm being honest by the end I would have chosen to swim with jellyfish if given the choice over another variation of curried lentil.
ANYWAY I'm pretty sure the enforced scarcity of food did not help but I have definitely noticed a big change in my appetite since coming home. I'm aware that the size of my body is irrelevant but also I've spent the last 18 months coming to terms with my body and getting comfortable in my skin. I've also got a lot of clothes that I like a lot and they're all the same size because I was finally a stable weight for the first time in my adult existence, and I really cannot afford a whole new wardrobe again. My clothes still fit but I have noticed that some of the things that were more fitted before are a little less comfortable than they were.
AND THEN - I've been diagnosed with ADHD (again, finally) and am waiting to start a medication. While this medication has supposedly got less of an impact on appetite than others used to treat ADHD, from everything I've found and been told, it does still have a notable effect in many cases. I don't know when I'll start this medication but I will have to measure my weight every week for up to twelve weeks. I don't own scales and I have no plans to, but if I have to weigh myself then I'll know how much I weigh and I'd really rather not, because combined with being on medications that affect appetite in different ways I'll be dealing with the little ghost of the ED gremlin who still inhabits a little part of my brain.
So I've typed all this out and realised I might need to practice what I preach and reach out to a specialist. I was having regular appointments with a private psychologist but the sessions are on hold until at least August as they need me to demonstrate that I am Less Mad (TM) for at least three months. Anyway, I don't think I need ED therapy again, to be honest I don't know what kind of specialist I'd need to reach out to, but I really do not trust my GP after they basically tried to ignore me to death earlier this year so I don't feel like that's an option.
Basically I think maybe I need commiseration and a kick up the arse.
Please?
'It's an impossible choice ... I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.'
"You're not scared of climbing mountains. You're scared that you can't make them move."
I really really wish i had some advice for you, seeing as you've helped me so much but i am very much in a similar position.
So just want to say I've read and i care and you're doing so well <3
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
*kicks*
I don't know what to say, because you know the things but knowing the things doesn't magically make it easy! I guess remember what you came back from (#watermelongate). You do not want to go back there and have to do all the bloody recovery work again. It sounds like your body reached its 'happy weight' and so even if it fluctuates for a bit now as you readjust to medication and Life Beyond Lentils, it will presumably stick itself back at a similar weight.
Wonder if you could ask for a one off meeting with the private psychologist to help you plan some support or things to try until August? That seems a long way off to leave you with nothing. Would that be an option?
Can you have a trusted friend or family member monitor your weight for you if it is absolutely required? Like go to theirs to get weighed and have them record it and do what is needed? That way you'd never have the temptation or ability to know the number?
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
Jenna, watermelongate is all the motivation I need to keep Doing Recovery. I hope my weight/appetite settle again, but I think I might have to prepare for my body looking slightly different once it does.
Camden, my psychologist said I can email her and keep her updated, and she may call from time to time, but I will have support around my mental health in the interim, I'll be under the CMHT. She can't take me on for any more actual sessions due to them being virtual and the company policy around safeguarding.
If there is no way around sending my weight I'll probably ask to go to a friend's house to weigh myself, but I haven't quite let go of the 'if someone else knows my weight I have to too' thing, though I guess this might be a good time to work on that. It's a good idea, thank you :)
'It's an impossible choice ... I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.'
"You're not scared of climbing mountains. You're scared that you can't make them move."
Things are a bit better, I'm managing to eat mostly without judgement. It's still hard.
The place I went for treatment has online meetings for ex-patients once a month and there was one this evening - I seriously considered going, but I think it would have been more of a trigger than a help. I've been to two and I've always come away feeling worse than before. If things are still difficult next time I might go.
Thank you for the support :)
'It's an impossible choice ... I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.'
"You're not scared of climbing mountains. You're scared that you can't make them move."
