Stressed about potentially having a child.

Bellatrix · 23-07-2020, 04:04 PM

My head feels so messy.

We are trying to conceive and I feel about 95% sure I want to have children. I love kids, I want to be a mum, I want to raise a child and help it enjoy all the beautiful things the world has to offer.

But that 5% of me is telling me I shouldn't. Because I won't be good enough. I'm tired all the time at the best of times, and adding a child into the mix.... I'm scared I won't be able to do a good job of being a mum. Or that I'll have the child and not be able to cope with it.

My partner is supportive and I know he'll be there to raise the baby with me. But I would be the mum and I feel like all the pressure falls on me. I'm terrified I will do it wrong, or I won't be able to manage.

I'm off work for the summer holidays and I should be a 'proper person' who is able to keep on top of the cooking, cleaning and laundry whilst my partner is working 8+ hours a day. But I find it hard. I'm keeping things just above the surface of the water but now and then I feel it dripping down the throat and I can't breathe.

I want to be a mummy. I want to raise a child.

But I don't know if I can do it.

My cat is meowing a lot at the moment because she is in heat and she's giving me a headache and I just want to get away from her for a bit, but if it's a screaming baby I can't just 'get away'. What if I feel like this when I have a child?

I'm scared I'll snap at it and get angry when it doesn't have a clue what's going on and it's not its fault. I'm scared I won't be able to manage.

I don't know if these things are normal? I see posts online about people who are super desperate to have children and I feel guilty that I am not as sure as they are.

I'm worried it means I won't be a good mum.

Has anybody had children whilst feelings similar things? I feel so alone.

I wish my mum were here so I could talk to her.

Irisflower · 23-07-2020, 06:35 PM

If it's any help, I'm a mom of two and I've felt most, if not all, of those things. Becoming a mom was the most wonderful experience of my life...and the most tiring, and I learned to respect my limits, otherwise I wouldn't be able to function for my kids, and you're right, they do need you. It sounds like your partner is supportive - that will be so helpful! You're right - being a mom is demanding, and there will be times when you wonder if you're doing it right - but there are also so many other wonderful times when you love being with your kids and think about how much they bring to your life. Thinking of you, whatever happens!

Auror. · 23-07-2020, 06:46 PM

I only have a dog so it isn't quite the same obviously, but I would honestly be more worried about you having children if you DIDN'T have those fears or concerns. I think that actually shows that you understand what a big thing it is and are going to take the responsibility seriously.

Elmer · 23-07-2020, 06:46 PM

(I'm going to preface this with the fact I know very very little about this subject and have no personal wish for a child. But I respect those who do.)

I don't know if it helps, but I think being unsure and scared and aware that it's not going to always be sunshine and roses is perfectly sensible and reasonable. It's a huge decision and this shows you're thinking about it clearly and selflessly. You're not convincing yourself that it's going to be this wonderful miracle and it's going to be perfect, you're more concerned with the welfare of your child than your own and I think that's a beautiful thing.

You sound like you're in a place with a lot of love around you and all that pressure is pressure you are putting on yourself. Of course your partner can and should shoulder an equal part of the raising of a child.

I would say that support is inevitably going to be needed and that's no bad thing - everyone should have support with this kind of thing, but maybe have a think and a talk with the people around you so they know your worries and make sure there is a 'safety net' of sorts so you have somewhere to turn if things start to get overwhelming.

As I said, this is all conjecture so you can completely ignore me if I'm talking rubbish but I have thought a lot about the possibility of having a baby and it's not an easy prospect to get your head around!

You have a lot of love to give.

Good luck.

Bellatrix · 24-07-2020, 01:21 PM

Thank you so much for your replies.

Iris- I'm 'glad'(not really, but you know what I mean) that I am not alone in these thoughts. I agree that I must respect my limits if this is to work. I am lucky that J is supportive, but I would feel guilty saying to him after an 8 hour work day, okay now you take the baby... He would never get any time off. I guess that is what having children is though.. no time off, lol. I struggle massivly with my energy. I'm worried that I might cycle between not being able to do anything, and becoming high and doing too much and then crashing. I will have (I''m told) support from the perinatal psychiatry team and they would support me after birth, but I do now know what that entails and I'm frightened that if I became unwell then would take my baby away. I'm not sure I would be able to be honest with them because of this worry, and that kind of defeats the purpose.

Camden- Thank you, I guess it is good to be thinking about the negatives now, rather than ignoring them and then not being able to manage them in the moment.

Lio- I am very lucky to be in a much better place then I have ever been. I am stable, supported by family and friends, have a home, a job, a car, hobbies. I guess I've never had to deal with a major life decision that hasn't occurred whilst I am severely unwell. It feels scary because I don't know what that means for the outcome. At least when I was ill there was less unknown and I felt more in control even though I wasn't. I'm now having to make fully cognisant choices that will affect more than just my life. And that feels scary without any control measures such as self harm or anorexia. I have nothing to fall back on if things go wrong, because if I become unwell again, then may say I am not able to be a mum.

Thank you so much for your replies. I really appreciate it.

Auror. · 24-07-2020, 01:31 PM

Again I know it's not the same as a human, but when I first got my dog at least for the first six months I was consistently panicking that I was doing something wrong and messing her up and should return her to the shelter. It was a lot to deal with. So if you have a good support system in place, even if you do become unwell, that doesn't take away the possibility of you being a parent.

I guess the other thing is that given you have uh... the organs to be the one to physically have the child (sorry I'm not sure of a good way to word this) then you are right that a lot of that physical burden falls on you in that respect. But that doesn't mean the rest of it has to, or that you can't utilize your support systems and humans if you struggle. Part of being responsible for another life is understanding that you cannot do it alone and recognising when you need help to do so, and setting that up.

Bellatrix · 24-07-2020, 01:38 PM

^That's really good advice lovely, thank you.

That's actually something I'm terrified of.... The idea of being pregnant is wonderful to me, but thinking about giving birth makes me feel sick with fear.

I'd be a high risk pregnancy so I'd already be on the list for a C-section if natural labor wasn't progressing safely. But just the thought... Ugh. ><

Can I just carry the baby and then press a button like a vending machine ha

Fire Fly · 24-07-2020, 02:40 PM

I’m not sure if it helps but I’ve worked quite closely with the crisis team and then alongside the perinatal teams. So, in honesty To think so 3/4 years I’m still to see the perinatal where I work take the child away. Even when the mother is really unwell they try to look at MOther and baby units or the father looks after the child whilst if you had to go IP. The perinatal team have more knowledge around medication you can take before and after the child is born - if any. And if you need support they do respond quicker and try to give you support. Whilst they are there for you they need to make sure the baby is also fine. Which means they generally look at what can be put in place to support you and your partner to look after the baby. They generally do really want the baby to stay with the mother. Hey

I think I’m in the same boat. It’s hard not knowing how to plan and plan. I don’t know about you but the lil kitten Holly get me a boost in energy levels

Good luck.

Irisflower · 24-07-2020, 05:45 PM

I was in hospital 3 times while the kids were young because I was suicidal; child services came, and plans were made as to how my kids could remain with me and my husband. Just to say that they really prefer that kids stay with the mom.
Energy levels can be difficult. I think the other posters are right; often, you just have to get help. But you can do it! ��

Auror. · 24-07-2020, 06:26 PM

Maybe you could talk to your GP and treatment providers now about it, so you can set up a plan for if or when it occurs? Personally it helps my anxiety to have plans in place, but I dunno if that is the same for you.

[Luna] · 30-07-2020, 05:28 PM

My lovely Jodie, the prospect of having a baby can be really overwhelming. It's intimidating to have this little human being that is solely reliable on you to survive. It's so natural to be worried about not being good enough. I assure every mother worries that they won't be good enough and will mess up their children. The fact that you're so concerned about whether you'll be a good mum says to me that you'll be great. Things won't always be easy but as long as you do the best you can do, that's all anyone can ask of you.

If you have any questions about perinatal support or midwifery (I happen to be married to one of those midwife people) or anything else really then let me know and I'll try and help however I can.

Sending love x

Bellatrix · 05-08-2020, 01:45 PM

Thank you Luna <3 I have many questions about it, for both of you, if you are available to chat any time. What ever format works for you. I very much appreciate it.

Me and my partner became auntie and uncle a couple of days ago. We met our nephew last night and he is the cutest little button ever. Seeing him made me crave my own and I just wanted to snuggle him even though I couldn't (they live just below us so it's hard to SD, we've made ourselves a kinda of household bubble, but separate. I described it as a Venn Diagram haha).

They look exhausted though lol.

squirrelspit · 15-10-2020, 09:38 PM

Honestly Jodie. From the mentally unstable to the most put together people in the world.. When it comes to parenting we are all just winging it and hoping that at the end we have produced less screwed up versions of ourselves.

Its hard. And sometimes you want them to go away
Sometimes you want to go away. A lot of times your best isnt good enough - especially when they are too small to actually tell you how you feel.

But actually, its worth it.

Just remember, its ok to hate how how relentlessly selfless you are forced to be all the time, talk about things to each other without judgement, and everything you feel is normal.