Contamination

[Auror.]

Can you not go back on clozapine if you lived on your own? Or not at all? I don't quite get why it cannot be a thing, but hope you are doing okay this weekend.

[Cacoethes]

I can't because I keep randomly stopping it.
And it is dangerous to randomly stop clozapine.
So they won't put me back on it.
Even though I'm convinced I'd take it consistently this time because hospital is horrible.

Thank you. I'm not really doing ok.
I messed up my arm again but currently they believe that is was an accident. Which is good because I don't want to be kicked out of my room again or ruin the maybe discharge. The voices were just getting on my nerves and I am apparently unable to deal with them now.
My threshold has lowered considerably

[one_step_closer]

Do you think hospital is partly making things harder for you to deal with at this stage? I know the feeling of long admissions and just wanting to get out because it's doing your head in. Please be strong and don't let the voices etc get in the way, if you're struggling to cope you need to talk to someone, and talk to someone early on before they get worse.

[Cacoethes]

I think it probably is. I hadn't thought of that.
I am getting more and more frustrated.
I'll find it hard to talk to staff now because I don't want to be kicked out of my room or have my possible discharge delayed.
Sometimes I ask for prn so sometimes they know I'm struggling but they don't ask about specifics usually.

[one_step_closer]

Do you think at points that you need to be kicked out of your room? If not, then talking honestly with staff and saying that could be helpful. It's a shame that you feel you can't talk to them. Like I said, if you talk to them early it could avoid all the bigger stuff of being kicked out your room etc. PRN is ok too if it helps. Have they spoken about discharge? Sorry if I've missed that bit.

[Cacoethes]

Being out of my room just stresses me out
Because it means I'm forced to sit in the lounge where it's busy and loud. It does not help
They resort to kicking out of the room at the very first sign of an issue
Like the other day when I said I watched an episode of criminal minds that talked about contamination or something and just at that they wanted me to come out.

Kind of. The doctor is going to talk to the consultant and my mum about being discharged while looking at supported housing placements

[one_step_closer]

Have you explained to them how it makes you feel worse not being able to stay in your room? What do you think they could do if you went to them early on in your distress rather than kick you out of your room? Maybe you and the staff could come to a compromise.

I hope you are discharged to the best possible care for you.

[Cacoethes]

I've tried to.
I don't really think they care about whether it stresses me out or not.
They just care about how annoying it is to write incident reports and take me to A&E.

Thank you

[Pi.R^2]

This sounds so frustrating as I can see that you want to be helped to stay safe, but the only thing they seem to offer is sitting in a noisy room which makes things worse! I know you've mentioned the quiet room before- is that somewhere you could take yourself to when you're struggling so that the staff are a bit closer by to keep an eye on you? I know that's not ideal, but I guess you also need to consider that if they work out that you intentionally hurt your arm or there are more incidents, that is also going to delay the possible discharge!

[Cacoethes]

The quiet room could work though I don't particularly like that room. I'm not actually sure why! There's a feeling about it. And it's cold.
But I would sit in there if it means I could be safe and not in the lounge.

I don't think there will be more incidents.
No doctor has come to see me about my arm so I'm hoping they're just taking my word for it.
I asked the nurse to ask about discharge and if the doctor has spoken to the consultant and my mum so she's going to get back to me at some point.
I really hope they say I can go home

I realised that I'm only really doing the supported housing thing to make my mum happy.
I don't think thats a good reason to do it

[Auror.]

I agree with you- I don't think you should decide to do a big decision like supported housing if it's not what you want and is for someone else.

Hope you're doing okay.

[Cacoethes]

Thanks Camden

I’m doing ok I suppose
But I have decided I’m going to run away if I don’t get a discharge date on Thursday

[Pomegranate]

Do you have money? Somewhere to go? People to get you supplies? Running away, especially whilst on a CTO is probably not likely to be effective, or help your case for being discharged without supported accommodation. I understand wanting to be free of people telling you what to do etc though. What would you be doing outside of hospital? What are you running away TO? I get what you’re running away FROM.

[Cacoethes]

Good points.
I think it would be suspicious to ask to take my purse out for a fresh air break with me.
I don't really have anywhere to go
I wouldn't be able to go home because that's the first place they'd look.
My best bet would probably be London because it's big. But I won't have my purse so wouldn't be able to get there
I didn't really think this through very well.
Even just walking for a few hours would be a nice change.
I could always find an excuse to go to a&e
I always take my purse to a&e in case I want to get a drink. So it wouldn't be suspicious. And there are bus stops near the hospital. That could work

[The Worst Witch]

This is a very, very nad and dangerous idea. I get that you’re fed up of being in hospital, but running away isn’t the answer. You are likely to prolong your stay in hospital rather than shorten it, and they’d just find you anyway. You won’t be able to hide, police and everything will be out looking and you’ll worry Jasmine.

[Pomegranate]

So.....you find a reason by self harming or similar or go to a&e (which would prob also increase your checks)
Then get to a&e. Then what?
If you get cash out that’s cool but you can only get a certain amount out so that would be quickly tracked.
And if you use your card that would be even more quickly tracked....

If you want to demonstrate you’re not impulsive and thinking more than immediate term then working with staff and trying to negotiate longer leave periods is probably the most sensible option.

Running off is going to appear impulsive, especially after self harm....I don’t necessarily agree but I think you know the system well enough Becky to know who a lot of professionals will view that aka an impulsive emotional response, especially when you have no even medium level
Plan....

[Cacoethes]

You are both right
It was a stupid idea
I didn't think it through
I'm just so sick of being here.

There is no leave at the moment Emma.
Not even like a weeks leave before discharge. That's why they're so reluctant to discharge me.
Stupid covid.

I've just had an assessment with the OT.
A something needs assessment or something like that.
I hope that means that they are thinking of discharging me soon

[Cacoethes]

They are not discharging me.
Well, the doctor has to speak to the consultant who doesn't appear in ward rounds for some reason
Even the usual one appears via zoom.
And talk to my new cpn and I have no idea who that is anymore. It changed and then it changed again and now it appears to have changed yet again.
So I have to wait until next week for any sort of movement. I am so sick of being here.
I can't stop crying.

[tamobhuuta]

Hugs. That sucks. Can I ask, are you still worried about contamination?

[Cacoethes]

Thanks tamo
No I am not. I'm absolutely fine now apart from being a bit depressed but that's from being here!