Thank you but the rules are different in the other world. The morning started full of dread for yet another day and has continued like that. I feel so awful. It's hard when the only professional contact I can have is through the duty CPNs and I don't have phone bravery or someone will answer who I can't talk to. Maybe living in the other world would be better. Maybe I could soothe the followers by being with them. I just need to find the entrance. I'm feeling on the edge, reaching breaking point but no one can see that or hear it when I phone Duty.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I managed to talk to someone from Duty but they skipped over the other world stuff instead focusing on the fact that my support worker wants me to do more and I need to tell her i'm trying to put on a managing face but I really can't do any more right now, she thinks that's why the other world is strong but it's there almost every day. She asked why I called and I said I'm nearly at breaking point but she didn't ask about acting on the things I have in mind to give the followers some peace. I felt like I shouldn't have called. Any time I've called I feel mostly unheard. I'm definitely not getting my CPN back and I've to stop thinking about it. I will never have that understanding and knowledge of what support I need again. I feel like giving up on life. I'm sick of the battle.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I am so proud of you for calling <3 I'm sorry you don't feel heard; did they suggest anything you felt was useful? Do you feel able to speak to your support worker about how you're not able to do any more as duty suggested?
Duty never seem to hear when things are dangerous, I thought that was what they were there for so I probably shouldn't phone again. I'll try and speak to my support worker about not being able to do additional things at the moment. The other service user who comes to the gym with us can't make it tomorrow so I'll have an opportunity. I don't know if I can explain it well enough though. Then when we come to the end of gym support and I don't have anything else to work towards I'll probably be discharged. That will look bad regarding my benefits as the DWP will think I don't need support if everyone is discharging me. I need the support of my CPN but even if I could have that support back they have changed what they think the role of a CPN is so it wouldn't be the same. They've said a definite no to getting her back anyway.
Last edited by one_step_closer : 18-05-2021 at 10:17 AM.
Reason: not able to do additional *things* not *support*
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
The person who I spoke to on Duty passed a message to my support worker about how I'm not in the right place to try new things right now and my support worker was fine with that and said to let her know when I am ready. I'll have to be ready after gym support stops because if I have nothing lined up next I'll be discharged.
I'm feeling really lonely and lost without the regular calls from my previous CPN (there I go again talking about her when I'm supposed to be moving on). I dread every day and there's nothing to hold on for but I just endure it. I need some support to make things more bearable but I'm not getting it. I'm thinking I'm at a point where a short admission would help but I don't know if my new psych is up for that and I don't want to ask her. Plus no one wants to be in hospital and they might not admit someone like me the way things are with covid and only serious cases being allowed an admission. And it's too much effort to sort out things before going in like getting my cats looked after. I just need to wake up somewhere where I don't question whether or not it's the day where I kill myself and have people to talk to when I need to. This is where a CPN would be helpful because they'd know me and know what I need and what is best for me.
It feels like there is so much to do daily and I can't get everything done especially with the messages from the men and the followers. Even using x as a form of self harm doesn't give me as much of a break as it used to. I think I want to be in the other world, or dead. Dead would be better probably.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm so unbelievably low today. Too low to even attempt to phone someone but why do it anyway? No one really hears me. I'm just one useless person undeserving of support. I've never felt so alone before. I need more professional support. There's no one I can talk to in my family or friends and helplines don't help. Every day things are pushing on me and suffocating me. Things continue to pile up. I need a break but that's not going to happen. I wish I was brave enough to ask for a short admission. With flexibility. Maybe a med review. I can't stand up for myself. I'm too worried that people will think I'm asking for things I don't need and don't deserve. The last time I was in hospital my psych said she didn't want me to be too reliant on hospital but it's been almost a year since I was last discharged.
I HATE YOU LINDSAY! I hope I don't look like I want to be in hospital, I just know that I need a break and short flexible admissions have helped in the past.
I don't know what to do.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Thanks for your reply. I can't even produce a glimmer of light right now. I've reached breaking point and it just keeps repeating every day if not getting worse. I don't know who to turn to because I'm so rubbish at phone calls and explaining things. I can't keep going through this on my own. Every time I think of picking up the phone I just feel like I won't be able to communicate how serious things are so I don't even try. I don't want to be told by Duty to distract myself. I'm feeling now like I can't even go to the gym with my support worker. If I mention that to anyone they will think I'm just being lazy and avoiding things. I can't explain how impossible so much is right now. The whole problem is my lack of being able to explain things in a way that people will understand. I can't keep feeling so terrible with no support.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I phoned Duty but someone I couldn't talk to answered and I hung up. I tried the voluntary crisis team and my previous support worker answered but I automatically hung up. Idiot. I phoned again and another person answered. I could have spoken to my previous support worker and now I've taken that away from myself. So much is going on that when I have phone bravery again or I have an appointment with my psych I'll never get through it all. I'm doing everything half heartedly - housework, eating, it's all too much effort. I'm still being told I need to kill myself in order to free the followers. Why is 'help' only accessible over the phone? If I speak to someone I'll never find the right words anyway. I was in hospital this time last year. I still think an admission would be helpful right now but I still don't dare bring it up. Hospital sucks though, it feels like a trap at times, but weirdly life feels like more of a trap right now.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
My brain is giving up on me. It's not very good at doing normal daily things like staying focused and occupied, eating ok, housework, I'm panicking about the trapped feeing and not getting things done properly. I'm worried about the weeds in my garden. I'm worried about having to go to the gym because that is another thing my brain isn't so helpful with. Everything is shutting down. When my support worker asks me if I've been doing my knee exercises at home and I say no I've been feeling really low she says would doing them not make me feel better? No, it feels impossible to do them. My brain is closing lots of doors and filling the space I do have with fear and an inability to do much. It's a physical thing as well as a mental thing. I don't know how to explain what my brain is doing so I just don't. I don't really have a chance to try and explain because I need phone bravery, then there are people I can't talk to, and my support worker is in too much of a hurry to talk but she'd just tell me to phone Duty anyway.
Has anyone else experienced this? I don't know how to explain it to anyone and not make them think I'm being lazy. I feel like one time when I was in hospital and I was actually talking and making no sense. No one could understand me because my words were jumbled and I was slurring them etc. Now my words are fine but I'm still not being understood. I can't expect anyone to understand if I don't talk to someone, of course. There's too much going on to even know where to start. I need to be strong enough to say no to things but I have to go to the gym with another service user on our own at some point because she really wants to but won't go on her own. The way her face was when she told me to think about it made me feel like I can't let her down, but even going to the gym with our support worker affects me negatively. Life is just too hard.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Sorry I haven’t much to offer but I hear you. I often feel like I’m talking to a brick wall.
Is writing any easier for you to put things into words? Maybe just ask next time you ring duty can you just read out what you’ve written? Are they not getting you a new cpn?
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell. Oscar Wilde
Its hard to dance with the devil on your back. Sydney Carter
My previous CPN has been back for ages now but I'm not allowed to see any CPN. This is because the CPNs are now focused on doing recovery worksheets and I tried with the stand in CPN but I'm way past the stage of getting anything from worksheets. Apparently that's all that CPNs do but my CPN was working with me differently in a way that was helpful for me not just turning to a worksheet.
I do write things down which helps a bit but I still feel unheard because everyone says I'm coping. Plus there's the big problem about making phone calls and not hanging up. I phoned Duty yesterday but hung up even when my previous CPN answered and I know I could have spoken to her. It's rare that she's working on Duty so I've messed everything up.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I just panic. I have my finger on the hang up button and automatically press it when I hear who is on the phone, even sometimes when it's someone I could talk to. Maybe it's just a habit to hang up. I worry about not being able to explain myself and I hate that someone is just hearing my voice over the phone because I hate my voice. It's stressful being on the phone so I don't get everything across. Plus everyone except my previous CPN and my previous support worker just say I'm coping and just to do some distractions. They don't know me enough. The people I can talk to and who are helpful are both rarely on Duty or the informal crisis team.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
This all so difficult and it does make sense that you often end up hanging up. It does sound like it's become a bit of a habit or automatic response and I wonder if there's a way of trying to start to change that- next time you call maybe you could hold the phone in such a way that you aren't hovering right next to the hang-up button for example. You could tell yourself that you don't have to speak immediately if that would help- I'm guessing they would be fairly patient if they had to say 'hello, is anyone there' a couple of times?
I know you've said that many of the people you end up speaking to aren't helpful- is speaking to them better than speaking to no one or not? Like, I'm wondering if the human contact and care they offer provides any soothing despite their suggestions not being much use.
It's just that I don't like to talk to many people because I'm tired of being unheard and I'd rather hang up on them before they start to wonder who it is. I know maybe I should try and start the call. I have been told by another organisation that I can say in any part of the call that I'm ok and I'm going to hang up so I can end the call when it's getting too much for me. Maybe I should mention that to Duty. It is usually better to have human contact even if they just push distractions it just depends on who I'm speaking to.
Right now I'm not sure what to do. If I should phone Duty or wait until I have an appointment with my psych. In this moment I am anxious about phoning anyone so I probably won't do it today anyway. I think I'll be ok without talking to anyone today. There's so much to explain and I feel like I won't get the words out properly. I've waited too long and now I have too much that is important to say.
I've got my first Covid vaccination on Saturday so I can't try and suggest an admission before then. I only want to talk to my psych about it though. Maybe I should call the CMHT and ask if they know when my next psych appointment is. I'm ok with calls that are just seeking information and I know they should be over with quickly. I probably shouldn't talk about an admission anyway, I don't know really how my psych feels about them other than my plan before was to have short admissions and when I was in twice last year she said she didn't want me to be in hospital often. It's been nearly a year since I was discharged from hospital. I don't know what to do about anything.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
That's useful to know about hanging up; I did wonder if part of your hanging up was because you might feel awkward hanging up later, so staying on the line initially felt like a bit of a commitment.
It sounds like ringing to ask about your next psych appointment would be a good idea if that phone call feels manageable. Then maybe based on that you can think about trying to call duty for some support and think more about whether you want to discuss an admission?
I'd only want to bring up an admission with my psych or my previous CPN if she's on Duty, not the other people on Duty. I feel judged otherwise because no one else understands it's part of my management plan (if it actually still is, I need to clarify that). I have a huge pile of things that have been happening that I wish I had told Duty earlier so they hadn't turned into too much to get through in a conversation. All of the things I've said here make it harder to make a phone call. It's really annoying that they took my CPN away from me because if I still had routine phone calls with her nothing would have piled up. I'm not sure if I can take the first step today and call the secretary about my next appoint with my psych. It might look like I'm asking about something I don't need. I'm sorry, I'm going nowhere with this, I just have to wait for some phone bravery.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
