Meds/Depression/SI *triggers - probably*
I don't remember ever being emotionally stable. Even when I was too young to know what SI was, I would do things like bite myself when I was upset. I took prozac for a month at 19. Had some amazing highs and devastating lows while on it. Ended up in hospital after a set of particularly deep cuts. Finished my month of meds and was too scared to go back, as all the doctors had made me feel small and stupid. Finally went back 8 months ago, age 32. Stopped cutting somewhere in between. Am now taking sertraline which flattens the highs and mellows the lows. But tonight I'm lying awake crying my eyes out because someone said something nice to me. And I feel so ****ing sad. Some days it is a constant battle not to cut, from the minute I woke up until the minute I finally fall asleep. Some days I just wish I was dead. Some days I feel nothing at all. And then there are the giddy in between times when I can't seem to control the words coming out of my mouth. For some reason, now when I feel anxious it's like I leave my body and watch this other person that isn't me make small talk. I don't do small talk. I do no talk or silly talk or deep **** talk. It's like I don't even know who I am right now. Before the meds, I at least had some motivation (if not much) to do stuff. All I seem to have the energy for now is watching Netflix. I haven't touched my hobbies in weeks. And underneath everything is this persistent burning desire for blood. I want to cut myself to shreds and watch the blood flow...
I'm so ****ing tired.