I'm not good with watching TV or changing my routine. I usually watch a couple of programmes in the evening. I sat on the steps at my back door for a little bit but I really wanted to lie on the ground so came back inside because someone might have seen me if I had lay on the ground. I'm really not doing well, the lying on the ground thing happens when I'm feeling particularly vulnerable. I could try phoning the informal crisis team and see who answers but I'd probably hang up or someone would answer who I can't talk to, or I wouldn't know what to say.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I tried phoning the informal crisis team but the one person who I definitely can't talk to answered and I hung up. I probably would have hung up whoever answered anyway. My previous key worker is on crisis some weekends so I could see if she's about this weekend but I really don't know what I'd even say. I really hate phone calls.
I keep meaning to ask the regular pharmacist about my head but then I'm not brave enough. He would probably just say talk to a GP but I specifically want to ask him if it's ok to bring up additional stuff in the appointment. The things I had planned on talking about (toe walking, hearing issues, possible ASD stuff) are maybe less important than my head pain but I don't want to have to put off talking about them until I can make another appointment.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
They have changed the appointment system in my area where you have to fill in an online form with everything you want to discuss and then they decide if you need an appointment and how long the appointment is. So when I filled in the form I didn't add the head stuff because my head was fine at that point.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'll just bring it up instead of something else if it seems important at the time. I think I've really hurt my pinkie too from self harming, but I can't just bring up every tiny thing. I will possibly ask the pharmacist on Monday.
I'm feeling really rubbish. Life isn't survivable so I don't know what the point in it is. I'm trying hard to keep myself occupied. I'm trying especially hard not to do anything risky this month since my brother's birthday is coming up. I am aching and I don't want to continue this battle.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Possible tactics for the gp thing: book a double appointment, just to take the pressure off? And/or write a bullet point list of the things you’d like to discuss, explain that you understand that there won’t be time for everything, had the gp the list and let them prioritise and manage the time.
I'm an absolute idiot. I seemed to hurt my head a lot at one point yesterday and I had tremors in my head, neck, and arms for more than an hour so I phoned NHS 24 to see if I needed to be seen or whatever. They did say to go to A&E. When I got there I just felt so stupid since I was quite a lot better. The triage nurse was going to let me just go back home without seeing a doctor but then said that the doctor wanted to check my head. I was very distressed in general and because of being in A&E and I looked like a child and a freak. I almost hit my head again multiple times because I was so annoyed at wasting their time.
When I saw the doctor she told me the actual symptoms of a head injury that would be worrying (none of which I had). I hate myself! She said the duty CPN would contact me today. They did phone me but I can't do phone calls. I didn't answer but then did phone them back as they asked and just had a brief 'I can't do this phone call' chat. They said I know where they are if I need them and left it at that. Yes I know where they are but I can't do the phone call. I can't explain my distress through a phone call. There's nothing anyone can help me with anyway. I'm so sick of myself.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
What are you even supposed to do on days when you can hardly focus on anything? My brain needs some stimulation but I can't seem to do much. I was supposed to hoover on Friday and I didn't and I'm supposed to hoover today but don't know if I will manage which is making me stressed. And I'm not eating proper food, I just want sweet stuff but I don't even have anything in. My head hurts so much and I'm very tired. I wish I could speak to someone face to face without having to talk to them on the phone. I can't deal with this battle. I really need a person but I can't access any people.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Please, don't beat yourself up over going to A&E, you did the right thing! It would be much worse if there was a problem and you didn't go, that would be so reckless. You did the best possible thing, even called NHS even though phonecalls are tough. You did very well.
It sounds like things are pretty rough at the moment. I'm sorry about your struggle. I wish I had anything useful to say, but unfortunately I don't. But I hope you'll feel at least a little better soon, and please hang on in there.
I'm seeing my GP tomorrow but won't have time to talk about MH stuff. I'm seeing my support worker on Thursday but I don't feel comfortable talking to her. I'm going to have to try and wait until I see my CPN on the 18th.
My neck has been really sore today and I allowed myself painkillers which seems wrong. I also haven't hit my head too much or done any other self harming so far today which also seems wrong.
I'm scared about not properly receiving messages from the men because I know people will be in danger because I'm doing nothing. I should maybe stop taking the Aripiprazole, I don't know why I haven't stopped already. I will be allowed to, it's not important and my CPN has given me permission not to take it. I'm not actually unwell and don't need medication or else my CPN wouldn't have said I don't have to take it if I don't want to.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
The Aripiprazole has mostly done what my psychiatrist said he hoped it would do which was to help with some of the other world things. I don't know if it has helped in my opinion because it's just preventing me from getting the messages needed to protect people. I am still taking it anyway.
I'm really anxious about facing another week, especially since I've been avoiding so much recently like the gym group and book group. I'm going to have to get back into things soon and that makes me feel panic and dread.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
