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Old 20-04-2021, 11:53 PM   #901
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You’re not a moron for not asking. It’s an oversight on their part not to have reintroduced it short term! And if you are struggling tonight then the nurse CAN get the on call to write you up for a stat dose of olanzapine. They just don’t like doing that. Hopefully you are asleep by now though. I would give them until midday and then start asking them to speak to the doctor (cos we know how long things take on the ward). And if you have heard nothing by three then speak to the ward boss (I believe you said they were helpful before). My clozapine titration knowledge is a little rusty but I vaguely recall they might be able to increase it at a slightly faster pace than an initial titration. I know after 72hrs it has to start at first dose but I think after first three days they might be able to accelerate it a little more quickly, as long as you keep having green results. And in order to maximise that, eating regularly and reducing sodium intake and caffeine will also maximise the chances. I know you gave up smoking aaaaaaages ok but not sure if you vape still?





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Old 21-04-2021, 10:07 AM   #902
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Thank you both so much

I don't know if there's anything i.can do to remind myself that they are not real. It all gets so bad in the moment.

I asked about the olanzapine last night and they wouldn't do it. But i fell asleep fairly quickly.
I did talk to staff about it too and said way too much. I couldn't stop crying.

I've just asked staff if i can speak to a doctor and they said they'll ask. So fingers crossed.
Yes I've known the ward boss for about 6 years now and we have a good relationship.

I think if they can then they'd increase it pretty quickly anyway because they want me out of here. And i want me out of here!
No i don't vape.

Update: the doctor just came to talk to me (only 10 minutes after i asked the nurse if i could! Shock!) And he's going to talk to the consultant about prescribing olanzapine again. He said the diazepam should be helping but diazepam is not an anti psychotic....


Last edited by Cacoethes : 21-04-2021 at 10:14 AM.


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Old 24-04-2021, 06:24 PM   #903
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I know you're having a shitty time right now, so I wanted to leave some love <3

And I wanted to say, that even though right now I imagine you're probably feeling like things are the fucking worst and never will get any better- you've been worse than this before AND you've recovered from that and gotten better.
I feel it might be a lot to ask at the moment, but try looking at the bigger picture when you can- if you take a step back and look at the last almost ten years or so you absolutely, undoubtedly have made SO much fucking progress. Feeling your shittiest always, always goes away in the end. It's just hard to believe until it happens.

I believe in you and that you'll be okay in the end.

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Old 24-04-2021, 07:27 PM   #904
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Thank you Lana <3

I've asked the nurse to ask the doctor if i can leave.
Apparently the doctor is going to come and see me.
My app says it's going to rain on Tuesday but the voices said it's going to rain on Monday so i need to leave before Monday



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Old 24-04-2021, 07:52 PM   #905
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Do you no longer want to give the clozapine titration a go?





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Old 24-04-2021, 07:55 PM   #906
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As I’m sure you know, realistically they may have concerns give incidents and trying to run away (which doesn’t exactly suggest rational thinking given lack of shoes and fact you are informal too). It is of course entirely your decision to make re asking to leave and I get this must be really frustrating for you.





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Old 25-04-2021, 05:27 AM   #907
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In short, they didn't let me leave. Stuff happened, i had to go to a&e (without shoes because we cannot find them), tried to run after i was stitched up, got caught, shoved into car, back on ward, more stuff happened and now I'm on 1:1.
And I'm finding it really hard being watched while sleeping so i only got a few hours sleep.
What a shit show



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Old 25-04-2021, 10:24 AM   #908
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I'm sorry to hear that. I know what it's like to do ... unwise things. Is being on 1:1 helping staying safe easier? This isn't forever.



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Old 25-04-2021, 10:35 AM   #909
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Thanks tamo

It is helping me stay safe but i hate it.
Bitch nurse has already had a go at me for being on 1:1 and said i could only come off it if they take literally everything out of my room, including blanket (which i can't sleep without) and curtains and shower curtain.
And have to go in the seclusion outfit which i can't stand..so i don't really know what the best option is here.
Luckily the matron is in today so she'll probably be a bit more fair



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Old 25-04-2021, 10:48 AM   #910
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It sounds like 1:1 is the least restrictive option right now. You don't want to lose your blanket! Of course it's hard when the nurse is a dick.



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Old 25-04-2021, 12:42 PM   #911
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I definitely don't want to lose my blanket!

The nurse was on my 1:1 earlier and totally ignored me.
It was very uncomfortable



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Old 25-04-2021, 07:51 PM   #912
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I agree that if 1:1 means keeping your blanket and no seclusion outfit that sounds like the least worst option for now. I'm sorry things are so shit at the moment. Do you want to talk about any of what happened?



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Old 25-04-2021, 09:13 PM   #913
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Yes definitely

Thanks Camden
It was just a whole mess last night
I lost a lot of blood. I couldn't stand up properly and wouldn't let them put pressure on the wound.
And then i tried to run from a&e after treatment but three staff came to pick us up and they literally restrained me in the street and shoved me into the car.
And then the incident when i got back and i could literally barely breathe. I still have a bruise round my neck.
The whole night was just traumatic af and i feel like i have no right to be traumatised by it because I'm the one that caused it all.

Now the voices are saying to do something that I'm not sure I'm allowed to share here and it's something i might be able to get away with while on 1:1.
The staff know about it though



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Old 25-04-2021, 10:32 PM   #914
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I’m glad you told the staff re urges. Last night sounds very difficult all round. Any word on psychology? How’s the clozapine titration going?





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Old 26-04-2021, 09:41 AM   #915
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Thanks
I'm seeing the assistant psychologist tomorrow about some distress tolerance stuff. So hopefully that will help.
The clozapine titration is going ok so far.
I'm up to 50mg at night and 25mg in the morning i think



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Old 27-04-2021, 11:19 PM   #916
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Hope you're ok Beckie and that the psychologist goes/went ok.



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Old 28-04-2021, 10:01 AM   #917
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Thanks Dawn

Its been a rough few days with lots of incidents.
I have to wear the hospital pajamas now that don't rip. At least it's better than the seclusion clothes.
They want me to stay out of my room today. I don't want to stay out of my room. So I'm not leaving it so they can't sneakily lock it. I have my own bathroom so i don't need to leave for any reason.

The psychologist didn't turn up yesterday but popped in to apologise and said she had a lot on which i understand. So I'm hopefully seeing her today.

They tried to get blood from me last night but couldn't because i hadn't drunk anything in a long time. And one of the staff had a go at me for that. She had a go at me about lots of things.
I asked her to charge my phone and she said they aren't supposed to do it for people who have had incidents as a punishment. But luckily she did it anyway.
She said they aren't helping me here and that i should go home. They say hospital is making things worse but the fact is i would be dead already if i wasn't here.



I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!


Who else is fine?!?!?


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Old 28-04-2021, 11:02 AM   #918
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That's awful. Can you go to the ward manager?



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Old 28-04-2021, 11:11 AM   #919
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I think i probably will.
This staff was obviously very annoyed with me last night. Said it's not falr on staff when i try to kill myself.
Which i get but it's not easy dealing with the voices.



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Old 28-04-2021, 11:17 AM   #920
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They are training to deal with this ****



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