im tired. i have been trying to get treatments and talk to counsellors but the most recent one made me feel so bad about myself. about my progress. she made me feel like i wasnt trying hard enough to stop self harming. that i wasnt trying hard enough to get better. that i wasnt trying hard enough to deal with my problems. she made me feel like im a failure, that i didnt try the methods she told me correctly, or often enough. she made me feel like i was a liar. that i lied about trying her methods correctly, or often enough. she made me feel like i lied to her about wanting to get better.
So after 5 weeks of talking to her, i had to stop. i couldnt handle feeling like i dont deserve anything. and now. that im alone.
im back to square one. full of hatred and sadness, empty. i dont feel any sense of myself. one small thing, any small thing triggers me. a big thing, would send me into a flying rage. but the rage, not towards anyone else but myself.
yesterday i got into a fight with my partner. He told me he was not going to stop his social life for anyone, especially me. but all i was asking is to stop his social life with one person. that person i absolutely despise. the one he fought so hard to keep in his life. sort of like an ex. or a friend that was a one night stand fling.
how could that made me feel anything but worthless. that keeping her in his social life was worth more than my happiness. It was eating me up inside for days. i was crying for hours at a time trying to see things from his point of view. i still cant see it. it feels so wrong. that he wants to keep that fling in his social life. when im here mentally torturing myself.
i was at my wits end when i decided to confront him one last time. i told him it bothered me and i want him to avoid her. and he told me one last time, he was not going to stop his social life for anybody. and he told me i have to deal with it in anyway, just for me to DEAL WITH IT.
so i did.
i smiled, walked away, locked myslef in the bathroom and i feel like i was just shoved past my breaking point. stabbed in the heart.
I did it...
and now i was back to feeling like i didnt deserve anything. but self harming hurts him too. when he found out that is.
and i just. i feel (that way you feel when you want to sh) like i was backed into a corner.
i know how horrible i felt. but i knew it hurt him too. i didnt want to hurt him. but what am i supposed to do. its like i fell down a slippery slope into a hole of dispair, but i feel so bad that this kid fell down and scraped his knee, like my pain was so much worse but didnt matter.
anyways he told me he doubts our relationship when he does this. and i feel so threatened again. i feel sad, angry, alone. and im all the way back to square one.
i hurt so much on the inside, and sh is my way of dealing with my breaking point.
im so lost rn. and i have no idea what to do.
all i have been doing is crying everyday for hours on end. my face ran out of tears but im still crying.
all i have ever done is try and try. try not to hurt anyone. try to get better.
but i cant believe that. every failure tells me otherwise. i dont know how to feel or what to do about it/
ive been here before. and my solution was to move away from my family because they think they caused this. and i see the sadness in their eyes, their actions, everyday its like im torturing them.