I don't really know what I want from this thread.
Perhaps somewhere safe to be honest but I don't know how long this method will stay safe.
I've been hearing voices and seeing horrible images really intensely. People are following me gain and watching. They get triggered out during this end of the year. They want to brainwash me into killing myself. I can hear them shiwpering from the drains and they are scrambling my thoughts.
I'm really struggling to focus and formulate some sort of plan.
I have two options: Go into hiding or plan for my death.
I'm confused. I need to be making plans to avoid being brainwashed into dying but they are saying I am selfsh for not want to die. They said if I really loved my friends and family I would be more than willing to die.
I don't know what I should be doing now.
That all does sound scary. How have you managed this other years, I think you said before it happens around this time of the year? I think your family would be devastated if you died, they would be so upset. Have you told anyone what's going on? What would going into hiding involve? Would anything help you feel stronger?
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Last year I had a bad crisis and ended up trying to commit suicide.
Going into hiding would mean going somewhere until the danger passes, I can’t be specific and I won’t be able to tell anyone where I go because that means they will be able to find me. The huge risk is that they hurt people if I do that. That’s what I’m terrified about.
Is there a kind of in-between where you acknowledge the whispers etc but don't act on what they say? I don't think you have to do what they say and kill yourself. I understand it must be awful for you but you have more control than you probably think you have.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I found a bench in the park that feels safe.
I took a diazepam which doesn’t really feel like it’s doing anything.
My exercise class starts soon which is good because a man and woman have been watching me.
It’s complicated and I can’t get my thoughts together to explain.
I need this to stop. I need the demons to go.
I want my thoughts back. I can’t do this.
It’s too much.
How might you be able to fight to get your own thoughts back and crush whatever else is going on with the thoughts you're having. Not saying it's easy and I can't think of a way to actually do it but just putting it out there. Maybe if you do things that you enjoy and speak to people who are there for you the demons might leave because you're not engaging with them. You can do this, in whatever way you manage to. You are strong putting up with this. I wish you could get some peace (not through death).
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I want to try and stay but I'm so scared. I know this is going to get more intense and I'm struggling to function at this level. I'm scared for my friends and family.
I don't want to leave my son but I feel selfish because I'm putting him at major risk.