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Old 13-06-2020, 03:50 PM   #1
EyelinerAndCigarettes
 
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Relapse?

Hi all,

Some may know I have been in recovery for years now, doing well, was discharged from the ED team last year after being with them since they opened up here. I still was purging every now and then but it wasn't really problematic. Anyway since having my son and subsequently putting on a huge amount of weight (I stopped smoking too so I was just always eating and not purging because of the pregnancy), I honestly piled it on. It's disgusting.

The same day he was born I started restricting but told everyone I had just lost my appetite and it's been 6 weeks now and I'm still restricting so I wonder, is this now a relapse or just a strained period of my life? My CPN etc just keep asking how my appetite is, my other half is just nagging me to eat because he doesn't understand I just can't. It's difficult.

Thanks if you read all this!









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Old 13-06-2020, 07:45 PM   #2
Auror.
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I do remember you and your struggles, Helen. I'm sorry things are still hard.

I personally think relapse versus difficult time is subjective and depends more on the place your head is in. Are you wanting/trying to not restrict (and or purge if you are right now), or are you knowingly wanting to restrict and just doing it? To me if you are actively wanting not to or trying not to do the behavior, that's more indicative of just struggling. Where if you're just doing the behavior without really thinking or doing it because you want to lose weight and don't care, that'd be more like a relapse. Does that make any sense at all?

I can understand it must be really difficult with so many changes to your body that you essentially had no control over, and to your life as well. Is your CPN someone you can talk to about this? Or if not, is there anyone you can talk to? You're right it isn't just an appetite thing or as simple as just eating and I'm really sorry if they aren't getting that. Do either your partner or your CPN know about your history?

Sending love.



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Old 13-06-2020, 09:29 PM   #3
EyelinerAndCigarettes
 
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Thanks so much <3

At the start it was an appetite thing, I was so busy I just lost it or forgot to eat. And now, yes, it is a purposeful thing. I am weighing myself and charting progress etc which really I know are warning signs but I'm choosing to ignore them I guess.

My CPN does know, or at least its certainly in my notes. My other half knows but missed that part of my life so doesn't really understand and sees it more as an illogical thing to do. My CPN does ask how I am etc but I don't think she understands how much I'm struggling because my weight is still healthy.
Thanks again







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Old 13-06-2020, 10:08 PM   #4
Auror.
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I guess my next question would be if you want things to be different or not? If so, would it be worth trying to talk to your CPN and explain what you are doing and why it is warning signs, etc.? Whereas if you are okay with things being how they are (it kind of sounds like you are not given you said you are choosing to ignore the warning signs) then I guess you can just accept hey this is a relapse oh well. Like not saying that is ideal or a good idea, but I understand eds and behaviors exist for a reason, and if you aren't being heard or dealing with other stuff than it makes sense that you need it right now. Again not saying I am pro ed, just am pro harm reduction and if that is keeping you alive then that needs to count for something. I hope that made sense, I'll probably report my own thread.



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Old 20-07-2020, 03:47 PM   #5
[LittleMonster]
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I think you need to be 100% honest with your CPN and people who could help you. I don't have much advice but you just need to be honest even if part of you is trying to stop you.
I hope things improve for you.

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