Sorry *slight sh trigger*

[Buttons.]

I actually posted this in R&V then realised that if anyone has the energy to trek through it all (seriously don’t worry if you can’t it does go on a fair bit!) I could really use some support atm

I know I’ve been absent from here a long time but I remember it used to be a place I could both support and raise my head above the parapet and go ‘hey guys sorry to bug you but I’m really finding things tough right now’

Weeks ago before shit hit the fan but I could tell my mood was dipping I did the ‘right’ thing contacted MH my worker wasn’t there so I left message and waited. Next week still no call back and I’d slipped (v mildly) with sh and my mood was even lower. Rang again left a message. Nothing.

Self harm escalates drastically. Didn’t get it treated got infected but ah well so long as I keep smiling right? Anyway my GP or someone must have rung them because suddenly I get a call from my worker. ‘You sound a bit upset Katy’ (I hardly ever cry but I’d been weeping buckets last few days but Ah well) ‘I am I feel really low’
‘Now come on this is the old Katy talking.’ No it’s not. It’s the new one in the same pit.
‘So I guess you want to see me.’ Well its not too much of an inconvenience. ‘ I can fit you in in a couple of days’.

A couple of days later I’m in room with her and my support worker despite me explicitly saying to my support worker I didn’t want her in there if she had any questions she could ask MH worker, did she listen? Did she fuck. So rigmarole starts ‘you seem a bit upset’ lose my cool ‘really? You think?’ And now you seem a little angry or frustrated katy.’ REALLY. I hadn’t noticed. I wonder why that could be.

Proceed to tell her about how it’s getting harder to force a smile etc
‘ well everyone has bad days’
Through gritted teeth: I know that but this has been going on for weeks and I can’t keep up the pretence much longer.

Word for word MH response ‘well you know fake it til you make it’

Had phone call with her the following week between which times I’d nearly done x then y to end my own life and my support workers response had so far been ‘you’ve got loads of support think of all the people who don’t have your support, you are so selfish’ so that was a another winning conversation. Honestly the Police were more sympathetic than this and I do not say that lightly.

Found out yesterday from GP might have x just got to wait for an appointment to find out one way or another. Come out shaken and list people you can turn to not them because of this, not them because of that etc etc etc.

Managed to get one friend but I could tell he didn’t really know what to say I diffused it with a couple of jokes. HAHAHA I might have x but you know what they say always leave them laughing.

So I tootle along, have MH rung me after all this? Have they fuck. So I’ve started drinking again just a couple in the evenings nothing drastic but I’m in liver failure so not exactly the best idea but quite frankly I’m struggling to give a damn. And what will their next excuse be? Oh well you’re only down because you’re drinking. Never mind me saying for nearly a month I was going lower when still abstinent let’s brush that aside and blame the mentally ill fuckwit as per. If I keep stuff bottled up and shit hits the fan I get ‘oh uou should have reached out for help sooner blah blah it’s your fault basically’ then when I Do reach out I get ignored and or belittled and made
To hate myself even more than I already do.

And I can’t even fucking cut bad tonight to diffuse as if I accidentally go too far it will wreck Mother’s Day tomorrow.

Just tried home treatment team: oh they’ve only just come in can it wait?
Of course. God forbid I disturb anyone. Even the crying has pretty much stopped that pushed back down to wherever it came from. That’s what everyone wants isn’t it? La la fucking la.

Oh and I’ve got one friend I’ve been supporting for months who gets a whiff that I’m unhappy and runs for the hills, and..well. Oh well, as snake river conspiracy would say.

[Auror.]

I wish I knew what to say because you deserve proper support and caring, especially when you did all the right things. I'm so sorry. Sending love if that's okay.

[Buttons.]

Thanks lovely that means a lot xxx

[one_step_closer]

I'm sorry you've been treated this way. Do you feel like anyone has your back, even just one person? Would you think of complaining or getting someone to do it for you, unless you think it would make things worse. Please don't stop reaching out for help, you might speak to someone different who really turns things around for you. Sorry I haven't been much use here, I'm just sorry about what you're going through. Please take care.

[Buttons.]

You’ve been use by just being here Lins xxx

So I’ve been away on a section since Sunday evening which got recinded yesterday around a conversation that went along the lines of ‘you don’t want to be on this ward do you’
‘Really really no’
‘Well we need the bed so we will take you off your section provided a support worker picks you up. You’ll have rap around care in the community. What do I have instead?
Friends family church people and a support worker who all say I don’t quite have my marbles yet and mental health have done their usual party trick of fingers in ears and try to ignore me to death because that went SO well last, only led to admission and section.

I don’t want to be on the bloody ward it didn’t help a bit beyond I couldn’t do the things I felt I needed to do (by and large-I am creative after all) and plenty of sedatives to get me to shut up. I just… I don’t know. I didn’t believe them when they said there will be rap around mh care in the community but a tiny part of me kinda hoped? Ah well.

[Auror.]

I'm really sorry they are still being so useless but I am glad to hear you do have some friends and family and others who are supportive at least. Is being at home any better or no? Sending love.