Things are spiralling

[Luna] · 07-04-2021, 08:29 PM

I am sorry for restarting my thread. Things are getting worse and I feel confused and increasingly hopeless.

I'm trying to find the words.

It's relentless. Horrible intrusive images of the people I love being tortured. The demonic voices telling me I'm evil, I belong in hell and punishment, that I needto do what they say otherwise they'll hurt the people I care about.

My skin in crawling, when I dissociate I think there are spiders under my skin and I've been scratching at myself so covered in sores.
I've been having loads of flashbacks and nightmares at night.

One of the voices (I'll call her T) says she's going to kill us soon. She wants to die and says it's what we need to do. It's hard for me to argue when I don't disagree.
I feel so useless. I don't have anything to offer anyone. I am a burden to the ones I love and I feel like their lives would be easier without me. However, I know how much pain I would cause if I killed myself.

Things have been really hard for a really long time, it feels utterly relentless and I'm just tired. I'm tired...

I don't know what to do anymore.

Harbour · 07-04-2021, 10:39 PM

I’m sorry it’s so very hard.

They were hard for a long time and then you got pregnant with J and you had a better year. Things can change.

Have you managed to talk to anyone about how you’re feeling? J/counsellor?

Unbreakable. · 08-04-2021, 06:18 AM

I wish I had something more useful to say but I wanted to at least remind you that I love you and I am one hundred percent sure the world is a better place with you in it <3

[Luna] · 08-04-2021, 09:36 AM

The last two years have been relentless and I don't know how much more I can take. I'm just existing, there's no living anymore.
Then I think, who brings a beautiful child into this world and then abandons them?
he deserves so much better than me.

It's like I'm waiting around for someone to tell me it's okay, that I can go now. That's not going to happen though.
So I'm trapped. Trapped with the demons, the images, the threats, reliving trauma as though it's happening all over again, people watching me in the streets, the pain, the fear, the screaming - blood, rot, destruction.

I'm lost, I'm tired and I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Unbreakable. · Yesterday, 08:28 PM

How are things going today?
It seems like the intensity of your symptoms is constantly high and hard to take.

Zurg · Yesterday, 08:46 PM

Oh Luna, your child does NOT deserve someone better, he deserves YOU. And you are just what he needs and what everyone who knows you needs. No matter the darkness and the fear and the hell it brings, trust me when i say that people prefer it as long as you are here. You are enough!!!! Enough of a mum, partner and everything else.

Please hold on!!!! Leaving this world would not make it a better place. I trust that you Will find someone who Will know how to help you. They are out there.

This feeling of the evil being inside you is not true. You are one of the most gentle people on here. Yes, you struggle but that does not taint you with anything bad or remotely evil <3

[Luna] · Today, 10:39 AM

Thank you both so, so much for your replies <3

The weekend was really difficult.

I had my check in with my counsellor this morning. I was honest with her. She was really kind and understand. She said she wished she could help me more than she is at the moment. At the end we both admitted that we didn't know what to say.

I don't really know what to do with myself. I feel lost.