It's been a long time but things are getting bad

[one_step_closer]

How are you getting on?

[long road]

Am staying to get tests done should have lung CT and echocardiogram tomorrow. Have needed two nebulisers today so staying was right decision.

[Elmer]

I hope it's not too distressing to be in hospital for the night, and that the tests tomorrow provide you with some answers/treatment options. Is your partner able to be with you?

[long road]

Last night went a lot better than Saturday night. FND was a lot calmer had like 2 or 3 seizures rather than nearly 30. And got some sleep, must have been exhausted enough my body just let me.

Partner has been with me a lot. As my carer they let him in outside of normal visiting hours I sent him home last night though as he needed a proper sleep rather than a couple of hours in a chair. And it worked out because my FND mostly behaved.

[tamobhuuta]

I'm glad you had a better night. Do you know if you've got any tests planned for today?

[long road]

CT may be today may be tomorrow
It's a case of whenever the porters turn up and whisk me off.

Had a few more seizures this morning and am struggling a bit so asked if I could see liason psychiatry to try and help.me handle stress as they were good when I first developed FND.

Am still very tired and breathing is still rather shit. I am in the right place to work out what is going on with breathing. I just wish it wasnt the right place so I could be at home

[long road]

CT is happening at some point between 8:15am and 9:15am so progress!

[tamobhuuta]

I hope the CT went OK.

[one_step_closer]

Will you get the results today?

[long road]

Probably tomorrow by time I get results had an echocardiogram as well.

I finally lost it mentally about half a hour ago and broke down crying. I've been chatty and putting a brave face on it but it's too much. Psych Liason never turned up yesterday. I tried escaping almost but because I am tagged because they noticed and I decided to be sensible rather than cause too much trouble when they got involved. Didn't say in quite so many words just said I needed to get out and that I was considering doing something if I got out.but to be honest I am suicidal. I just can't say to them right now.

It's just all got too much I am considering trying to slip out if they ever tag incorrectly. I can't handle being ill anymore can't handle being in hospital any more. It's too much and I don't want to live with it anymore. FND isn't easy to fix. There's a chance we can fix what's up with my breathing but I am really struggling to stay put this afternoon. Going a bit mad with it feel trapped. And feel like if I am always ill in soemnway what's the point in living.

[long road]

This is all very hard and I have been thinking about if death would be better than dealing with everything.

Don't particularly want to die but this feels too much to live with.

Psych Liason referral has finally been put through but they said it might be a few days until someone can see me.

Tests were mostly ok. A few minor bits and one thing unrelated to asthma that I have to get checked out.

[one_step_closer]

A few days is a long time when you're feeling like this. Do you get on ok with the nurses, to speak to them if you really need someone? How are things today?

[long road]

Some nurses are good for mental health stuff some not so much.

Saw the asthma consultant this morning. He was really good today less rushed than previous times I have seen him. Things are pretty stable breathing wise now but I said I still wanted to see psych liason as although it's worse in hospital I have also been struggling in community and I don't have any CMHT support.

Plus said as much as I don't want to be here considering the pattern of ashma flaring every 12-48 hours it would be reassuring to stay here tonight to check if it flares again or not. Because 10pm tonight is 48 hours since I last needed a nebuliser

So plan is to try and get psych liason to see me this afternoon. See how breathing goes the rest of today and hopefully dsicharge me tomorrow morning.

I am a bit better mentally today. But as I don't have community support think talking to someone would be a really good idea

[one_step_closer]

I really hope it goes well with psych liaison, be sure to mention all you need to.

[long road]

Not seen anyone yet hopefully this afternoon.

Breathing is flaring a bit now which is annoying.

[long road]

Home now. Liason psych assessment was helpful, not sure it was so helpful it was worth asking three times and then waiting 48 hours after third request for the referral to finally result in seeing someone but it was helpful.

He is going to write to my GP and my old therapist (who I have been referred back to) about what we talked about/ how dealing with all the extra asthma symptoms/ being in hospital and FND in hospital has affected me mentally. Oh and he is going to try and put on my notes about if I end up admitted to hospital again I should be referred to liason psych at start of admission so they can support me.

Talked about the frequent suicidal or self harm.thoughts which while I may not feel at risk of acting on most of the time can still be very distressing to experience. And how while in hospital I came close to losing control but didn't partly thanks to a friend (aka Beckie) persuading me to to talk to staff by asking me if I was prepared to accept the consequences of what I was thinking of doing.

Briefly mentioned flashbacks and weird hospital dreams

Mentioned how there feels like a lot of emotion but how I mostly feel cut off / dissociated from it.

Got a little if the anger/frustration about the bad handovers that resulted in me ending up on the floor and about the particular nasty staff member in AMU who shouted at me during a seizure to stop doing it to myself and just really didn't get FND.

And a bit of emotion about how hard and scary seizures are especially seizures in the hospital environment