Sorry your abuser isolated you. It's ok and good to ask for help - here and irl. So I'm really hoping therapy works out for you. How are you finding the ranting/venting board for letting stuff out? Of course posting here for support is good too :)
It's in the past and I can't control any of it. I would say "oh, it's fine," but it really isn't fine because now I feel like shards of shattered glass. I have trouble asking for help because I'm used to being alone, I don't want to burden people, and I also suck at talking. I honestly don't know if I want to start therapy anymore because my family is worried about money ahah. The ranting/vent board is working well, but I feel like I'm writing a book.
I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through this difficult time. It's positive that you're considering seeing a therapist ? they can offer you valuable support and guidance. It's important to remember that opening up about your struggles is an essential step toward healing.
I know, opening up is something I have to work on. I don't like opening up to people which is why I find it easier ranting to strangers. I don't want people to see me how I see myself, I guess.
I haven't been the greatest recently. I have urges, but I'm too tired to do anything. I think I'm dipping again because of stress that school is starting again. I cut again, and I'm 2 days clean now. Doesn't feel like much. I'm not sure what I'm trying to accomplish by now. I feel so hopeless that I feel nothing. I just want to lie in bed and do nothing. I don't feel alive, really.
I think I need therapy at this point and I'm assuming it'll make things better. But I'm also worried that I'll start to hallucinate again as things are brought back up. I used to see things, smell things, and hear things. It's gotten better, but I'm worried about it coming back again.
I cut again, but it wasn't much. It's in a noticeable area and I don't want it to look obvious. But I want more. I tried to do more, but it wasn't working and I got frustrated so I started hitting myself. It aches. I have rubber bands to snap against myself now. I did it because of stress. School is starting soon and even going back for orientation is freaking me out because there's so many people. I hate feeling like I'm stuck surrounded by people
I'm glad it wasn't working. That's a clue to stop! School was difficult for me too but I regret using SH to cope. Elastic bands are better than cutting but better would be not using pain. What thoughts were going through your head before you hurt yourself?
I wasn't really thinking if I'm being honest. I guess I was thinking of a way out / a way to escape the stress or my unhappiness. I'm worried if it doesn't work again that I'll press harder and it'll go deeper. I like the sting of the rubber bands, though, but they're kind of loud.
I think I'm going to make one of those box things where you put stuff you like in it in case things go bad? Not sure what they're called, but I wouldn't mind an art project. The only issue I'm having is how to hide it, but I'll figure that out
I'm so mentally unwell right now. School is starting in 2 days and I'm doing terrible. I can't stop. I'm not trying at this point. I'm not even using any coping strategies. I've just given up I guess. I don't want to stop. Well, I don't know what I want to do. I just can't take it ahah. I haven't showered in 2 days and I'm not taking care of myself. All I do is lie in bed and try to forget about everything even when it's so prominent. I don't know what to do at this point. I just want help but I don't know how to get it. I'm just gonna move this to the vent/rant forum before I go off about everything ahhh
at the risk of sounding hypocritical and not really knowing what else to say, it sounds like it might be worth letting your parents know how bad things are and how worried you are about school so you can get some more immediate help and support. you don't deserve to struggle this much on your own.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
I've talked about school but they don't understand. I can't tell them about this because then I'd have to explain the depth of my trauma and I'd feel even more ashamed. They've approached it wrong before and asked questions like "why did you even talk/interact with him?" I don't want to, really. I'll just wait it out. I went through everything else on my own, so this will be fine. It's okay
I'm an idiot. I feel so guilty because I accidentally cut myself. I started actually caring and trying not to SI and then I did this. I don't know if it counts or if it ruins my puny amount of days clean. I didn't mean to, honestly. I was just trying to work on an art project
I think accidents don't count, personally. Ultimately you're the only one who sets your own rules as to what you're counting but injuries are always going to happen unintentionally so I'd say only deliberate self-harm would ruin a streak for you. Also, even if you did have a slip up, it doesn't ruin or invalidate the hard work which you're putting into not self-harming. Those days and fights are all still valid, you just have to get up, dust yourself off and carry on trying.
Well thank you because I'm relieved to hear that then. It happened while I was making something for SI which made it worse since it felt like I did it while trying to prevent myself from doing it. I think it's healing fine now
I was feeling better and now I'm feeling bad again. I wish I could stay in one mindframe and not jolt around so much. I'm so tired of feeling this way and like I'm spiraling out of control. I'm so tired. I don't think I'll SI at all. Well that's hopeful thinking. I'll try and stop myself if I have the motivation which sounds pathetic. I just want to cry but I can't
I've been feeling better. I don't feel as out of control. I had the thought today that "it feels freeing to be clean, like a guilty weight has been taken from me." I've wanted to throw my tools away, but I can't. I'll put them back to where they belong. Currently, I don't need them and it feels so good to admit that. I really am happy right now
For the past year, I've been kind of drowning. And now that I'm able to breathe, it scares me. As if "do I even deserve this freedom?"
I freaked myself out. I'm worried I'll rebound again, especially once October comes because of trauma reasons. I think I'll be fine. I'm honestly not sure how I've gotten this far in any kind of "getting better" or "recovery," though, it seems brash to call it that. I regret cutting so I don't know why I still want it.
September 6th will be the mark of 2 weeks. The day that I decided I wouldn't cut, the day I mentally became better, my physical health decided to not compute anymore. I've been sick for the last 4 days. I find it kind of unironically funny.