Most of the folks on here are located in the UK. There are a few of us Americans around though. So that's likely why you didn't receive replies in the evening. Glad you were able to make it through!
Will you need to shift your sleep schedule for school?
It sounds like you might be a minor? You may want to look up what the laws and rules are surrounding confidentiality and reporting in your state. Both with regards to self harm and sexuality/gender stuff. Things are all a bit backwards right now unfortunately.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
I get onto rants a lot since my mind wanders. And I'm mostly over it now, but it still pisses me off because it's not like we were flaunting anything.
That makes sense about most being in the UK. I check RYL periodically throughout the day sometimes, but any reply is better than nothing, no matter the time.
I'll probably need to shift my sleep schedule, but I don't know. I'm half home school, half regular school (or part-time), and I think my schedule is going to be later in the day. But I probably will have to fix it unfortunately. I have trouble falling asleep, so being very tired helps me. I used to hallucinate, so sometimes I'm still paranoid.
And yes, I am a minor. I'll probably have to look stuff up, but I'm hoping to be able to be clean before summer next year. I live somewhere cold, so I have an excuse to wear long sleeves or pants. I'm mostly concerned about the self harm stuff. I honestly don't care if they think I'm gay or not and it's not something for them to know. I think the problem was that I go to a religious school since they're the only one who allowed part-timers like me. I seriously don't care about them anymore, the school or the staff, because they've done multiple things that both pisses me off and triggers me, but that's a whole other thing. I just don't want my friend to get kicked out, but I don't care whether or not I do.
Oh gosh I seriously hope I don't sound rude or like I don't care about anything. The circumstances for everything are complicated. I'm just tired of people telling me what to do and how I can act and stuff like that, especially people that I now do not respect. I wouldn't say I'm hot-headed and I'm pretty patient and calm for the most part, but I would say I'm very strong on my points and opinions. But I'm just in a mood right now, it'll subside
Edit: I went outside today for the first time in a while, majority of it was fine. It was absolutely miserable and I think I have blisters on my feet now since I walked for 3 miles or so. I'm so terribly awkward in public. The cashiers were talking with each other and I stood there for a few seconds until one realized. Gosh it was so embarrassing, I just wanna curl up and hide forever
I'm losing track of the days and I don't know how long I've been clean, I think close to a week now. I'll check later. I have the urge again. I think it turned into an addiction or something along those lines. It feels like some twisted hobby at this point. I don't have a reason why I want to do it right now, I just have the itch. I tell myself "just once, just cut one time" but it always ends up being more because it's never enough. I think I'll be fine. My tool is currently in a pocket and the zipper will be loud in the middle of the night. I don't feel fine
A member of staff in hospital told me SI is never going to be enough. If it was, I would be done with it already! And i am not a minor. I say the same to you - it will never be enough. Well done on however long it is free. How are you this morning?
I know it never will be enough. It was a quick fix to all my problems in the moment and then I had to deal with more shame a regret afterwards. But now it's like candy, and when I'm hurting emotionally or mentally, it feels sweet to do it. I feel sick with myself sometimes, but then that makes me think "you deserve it even more now." It's a process that takes time, unfortunately.
I'm fine. I never did anything since it was late. I went to bed too late again, but the night before I got to bed earlier. I have a blister on my heel that hurts and I need to deal with it. I still don't understand why I do what I do even when I have such low pain tolerance. I hate getting my finger pricked at the doctor, or needles, or getting blood drawn. Maybe it's because other people are doing it or maybe it's because my blood is being sucked away. I'm completely clueless and then I figure it out later and then I feel stupid
I've been doing fine but I feel like I'm going to crash soon. It feels like I'm already crashing because I triggered myself ahah
Edit: I'm fine for now
I've found pushing on until it's too late can be a good tactic. Then try not to worry about the next day.
I found school a very difficult place to be but I was lucky in each one there was someone I could talk to. Is there anyone you trust when you go back to school? You would have to be prepared for them telling your parents about the SI.
It's hard not to worry about the next day when I have things to do (primarily school but online). I'm not stressed because of the course, I'm actually almost done with it. It's another whole thing where a teacher gave me an issue except this time with assignments.
I'm not close enough to any of the teachers. I started going there last semester which was January-May. There is one teacher I find it easy to talk to, but I don't want to, and I also wasn't in his class last semester. I don't know how to explain my thoughts, it's just "no." I don't want them knowing my personal issues and all my problems because it's not something for them to know. I don't need them watching me in the hallways again or for them to think that I'm a harm to myself or others. I'm not sure how people think of those who SI. Besides, I want to be the one to tell my parents, but I want to tell them once I'm clean for a while and it's all in the past (probably with the help of a therapist because I'm too nervous to do anything myself). I assume you're talking about teachers, but that one friend who I got in trouble with is the only person who knows.
Sometimes (like right now) I just kind of forget everything in a way and then when I remember I crash and panic and SI again. But thank you for the suggestion, I don't think it'd work for me because of that.
And yes, I have found a therapist, but I'm currently out of town. I'm hoping to get a session or two in before school starts, but that's if she's not overbooked. I did get a referral for her, so maybe I'll get in sooner. Therapy for me has kinda been put on the back burner. I've been waiting a month, so a week feels like nothing.
I do want to say that my parents do care about me, they just don't know how my mental health is doing (which is very bad in my opinion) and that I have been doing SI. I'm used to hiding things I guess, and I didn't want to burden them. One of my parents travels for their job and so I'm brought with. I didn't want them to have to break their contract for "a family emergency" because of me as it's happened before when everything that was going on came to light. Unfortunately, we need the money. The therapy place I'm looking into gives grants or whatever they are, but it depends on the income my family makes. If we don't qualify for the grant then we'll need money to pay for it.
I could have said that a lot shorter but got sidetracked. Thank you for the suggestion, and yes a therapist has been found but I haven't had a session yet
Edit and also a note for myself: 9:25pm, crying in the bathroom
I need to put this here to hold myself accountable. I want to do it, I feel like I might. I pulled everything out and got ready to do it, even had the tool against my skin, but I couldn't move it. Oh I don't know what to do and now I'm crying again, actually crying and it hurts but feels good but I hate it
Update: I think I'm fine for now. Filling out "who am I" worksheets helps me for whatever reason. I think it brings me back down to a personal level and I can see that I am alive and human
Thank you, I kind of crumbled apart into mush. As long as I can focus on downloading one of the sheets and filling out, then I think it'll be fine because it makes me stop and think. Although it feels like I'm a child with crayons, but it's better than nothing even though I'm not sure what to put sometimes. It's this weird thing where I know things about me but they're more like facts and I don't remember them? It's weird and I'm not sure what it is. Again, thank you
if it works then go with it! no need to overthink it.
also it's totally okay to post here as it's your thread, but you may also have a look at the Ranting Venting Forum (RV) if you'd like to just vent or track things in a separate space - nobody can reply there so it's just for you. just wanted to throw it out there if you hadn't already looked at it.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
Oh alright. Thank you, ahah. I wasn't really sure what it was used for (besides the name), so I've just been sticking here. I'm still kind of clueless here, but thank you
Self harm recovery isn't always linear. There are bumps in the road and slip ups happen.
I hear that you feel really disappointed but maybe it would help to reframe it? Being clean for any number of days is an achievement. Is 11 days the longest you have been clean since starting self harm?
I am going to leave you a link to a you tube video of the song Accidents Can Happen by Sixx AM. A member on here sent it to me after my first setback on my journey to being self harm free and I found it helpful, hope it helps you even a little.
Well done on 11 days! SHing again doesn't take that achievement away. Especially at the beginning it's important to mark these things. 11 stars on a chart? Marbles in a jar? Whatever you like. And today is a new day, you get to try again. Good luck.
And at the same time, do you want to talk about why you SHed?
The longest I've gone is 2 weeks, but that was a while ago. I had to find my notebook where I wrote down all the times I did it and what I was feeling during that etc, and the notes are really depressing so I don't know why I'm laughing. I'll have to find something to mark, maybe I'll just put stuff in the notebook.
It feels less like an achievement and more like a setback because I keep ending up at the same place. Probably doesn't help that I'm trying to do what's not already working by just "not doing it" with no cushion or support or something in between. But thank you both of you.
I don't have a clear answer for why I did it. It's a number of things. I felt lonely is the easiest way to say it. There was an ache in my chest and it was suffocating. I know there's people in the world, there's people in my house, but still. I push people away so much and isolate myself because "I don't mind being alone" when all I crave like any other person is attention and praise. But I ignore those wants because it's "selfish." And deep down I know my thoughts and ideals of "I don't need anybody" are false because here I am on RYL. But it scares me being around other people. I'm scared of getting hurt again and so it's easier to condense my wants and stay safe than it is to be vulnerable and open up. I don't trust anyone because those who hurt me broke my trust. Living life always sceptical doesn't feel human. In the past, people have been blind to what was happening, but I was scared of leaving him because he said he'd hurt me otherwise. Maybe I hid it well or they just didn't care. And now I don't think I need them since I cared for myself all those years. So I isolate myself and remind myself how worthless I am. And well, desperation turns into action and this is where I am now.
Sorry that was a really long winded answer. In short: I'm lonely and sad.
Edit: thank you for the song. I forgot about listening to it and now I just did, so thank you
