I need a way to cope (Possibly trig? SH/ED)
I feel I need to say things which I just can't say. I know I shouldn't write these things here. I know that she will see this. That could make everything worse especially if she reacts by doing the same thing to herself. I am so stupid.
I'm not sure if this is a rant or something for serious, but it's a question so I doubt anyone would answer in the rant. I hope it's not rhetorical.
The past couple of weeks i've been having trouble sleeping, eating and keeping myself from doing something I know I shouldn't. Everything sets me off, I know i'm overemotional. Though the things that set me off aren't unjustified, just devastating. Things at work, things at home, things with her. She's going to get more mad at me. I'm going to sit there and beg her not to do something stupid.
I'm bottling most things up until every so often, like now, it comes out. I know people say to let it out in bits, but I can't, I have no way to. Some people talk about it, some people write about it, even if I were articulate and creative enough to do these things, it doesn't help. I'm releasing it on me, but hurting myself seems to hurt others. I wish it didn't.
I suppose 'The Devil makes work of idle thumbs' or something to that note, makes sense. Usually i'm alone and not preoccupied when this comes out. I'm worried it's going to be too much sooner or later and that will be that. When I used to SH alot, that got things out in smaller portions, I could be numb to everything else. I don't SH now, sort of, and I can't be numb to anything anymore.
For a male this is pathetic. What happened to a man being strong and emotionally void? Why aren't I him?
I've got most nights for the next few weeks alone. This doesn't bode well. I'm going from moments of seeing a great future, of happiness with her. The next moment, i'm alone and thinking of throwing my life away. I'm either going to ruin myself, or try make myself better - i'm likely to take it too far i'm told, it's probably true.
I want to be able to cope, I want to be normal. How?