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Old 24-07-2022, 04:17 PM   #1
Cacoethes
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Just beckie being beckie i guess

I wasn't gonna make a thread but my head is going into a tailspin as it tends to do in these situations.
Not really sure what to do. Can't call 111 option 2 because it's not like I'm in danger (i think??) Not from myself anyway.
I just worry that someone will be after me now I've made these connections. Unless they meant for me to make the connections?
I'm trying to ☆☆distract myself☆☆ but it's not working very well.
Anyway.
Copied this from my RV . Any help/rational thoughts are appreciated

My mind is going off on a delusional ramble.
About the volcano eruption in Japan
Just this morning i was looking at flights to Japan.
Then this afternoon a news article pops up about the eruption. And the article mentioned something about it erupting before in 1984. Which is of course a book by George Orwell that i have been known to obsess over. Because of my weird obsession with dystopian 'fiction'
So that's fun.
Just seems like way too much of a coincidence.
It's just the illness right? Right?!



I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!


Who else is fine?!?!?


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Old 24-07-2022, 04:30 PM   #2
Elmer
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Hey,

So it sounds like things are pretty hairy right now, and I would agree that it's your mind making these connections, and it's good that you seem to mostly know that.

What I will say, is that as anyone who reads your RV will know, and as I believe you know, you aren't giving your brain much of a chance. We know you're doing too much exercise and not eating properly. You know it. If you're still drinking mostly coke zero/caffeinated things that means you're almost certainly dehydrated too. So you're exhausted, your brain which runs on glucose/carbs has no energy source, you're almost certainly not metabolising your meds properly (I had this explained to me once, it made sense but I can't recall specifics) and now you're finding your mental health deteriorating.

You've stated that you don't think you have problems that a psychologist would help with. Again, I'm pretty certain that you are aware that is not true. There are therapeutic pathways for psychosis, anxiety, mood disorders and eating disorders.

I'm really sorry things are difficult again, but I think ignoring everything else that is going on would be silly at this point.

I know you just want to live your life, but you're running yourself into the ground rapidly, and your physical and psychological symptoms are reflecting that, so it's probably time to reach out for help and think about trying to push your body much much less hard.



'It's an impossible choice ... I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.'

"You're not scared of climbing mountains. You're scared that you can't make them move."

Jenna was here :P


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Old 24-07-2022, 04:40 PM   #3
Cacoethes
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Thank you Lio
Sensible as always

I do know I'm doing a bit too much but oddly enough, did not make the connection between that and what's going on now. Seems really obvious now!

I have been trying a bit harder with food since impulsively getting a massive sainsburys delivery on Friday. And having food at work when i get a break.
I'm not comfortable with it AT ALL but I'm trying anyway because I'm quite active and don't want to be passing out in front of people. It's embarrassing.

I think the thought behind not needing a psychologist was just because i was thinking about the self harm stuff. I have zero idea why i suddenly thought psychologists are only for people who self harm. Because i know that isn't true.

Why can i not think properly?!
All these things you've pointed out and none of it has occurred to me at all!

I'll see if i can message my cpn tomorrow. Don't even know if she works on Mondays. Old cpn didn't.
She's meant to be calling me on Thursday anyway to set up a face to face appointment



I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!


Who else is fine?!?!?


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Old 24-07-2022, 05:02 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cacoethes View Post
Why can i not think properly?!
See my previous reply

Reaching out to your CPN sounds like a good idea, hopefully she's in tomorrow, and has some constructive support to offer.

Does your GP know how much you are doing? I think the small print when signing up to a lot of these classes says if you've got a condition that might be affected by exertion then GPs need to be aware/monitoring you.

I'm really glad you've got that Sainsbury's order. I hope you're managing to eat around your classes, and it's great that you're eating at work :) it is going to be really hard and uncomfortable, and sometimes even downright unpleasant, but it will get easier if you keep doing it.


Last edited by Elmer : 24-07-2022 at 05:07 PM.


'It's an impossible choice ... I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.'

"You're not scared of climbing mountains. You're scared that you can't make them move."

Jenna was here :P


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Old 24-07-2022, 05:20 PM   #5
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Ah. Yeah. Lol

I'll send her a text tomorrow morning and then she can call me when she gets it. Whenever that may be.

No i haven't spoken to gp about it.
Last time i spoke to her, i wasn't doing great but still better than i am doing now. The tests were all fine last time. I don't want to feel like I'm wasting their time.
One of my colleagues said i look really well so I'm probably fine.

I'm trying extra hard to eat more when i have classes.
It is definitely very very unpleasant. I hope it does get easier.



I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!


Who else is fine?!?!?


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Old 24-07-2022, 05:34 PM   #6
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It's easy to forget that people equate weight loss with 'looking well' no matter how the weight loss happened. Not to bring myself into this too much, but two years ago at my absolute worst, my neighbour gushed at me for five minutes about how much healthier I looked and how wonderful it was, and that week I passed out halfway down a flight of stairs. You can't tell if someone is well by looking at them.

Please get in touch with your GP, if only so they can monitor you while you're doing so much.

It does get easier. Honestly.

How are you feeling about the things you originally posted about? Would it help to think about the evidence around them? Like - you've been looking at holidays abroad for a while, and it just so happens that one of the places you were interested in (it's a popular place!) has an active volcano. Natural disasters just happen sometimes. As for 1984, lots of things happened in 1984! If you were looking I'm sure you could find hundreds of things that happened this year and in 1984 - same for any other pair of years.


Last edited by Elmer : 24-07-2022 at 05:44 PM.


'It's an impossible choice ... I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.'

"You're not scared of climbing mountains. You're scared that you can't make them move."

Jenna was here :P


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Old 24-07-2022, 05:41 PM   #7
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That's true
I guess people have good intentions but it would be nice if people could stop commenting on other people's weight.

I will.
I think she might be getting a bit sick of me though
She's already said she's going to chase up the ED referral

Thank you so much



I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!


Who else is fine?!?!?


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Old 25-07-2022, 05:15 PM   #8
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I forgot my cpn is on annual leave but after a bad day at work, i decided to call duty. Which i haven't done in literal years.
Explained what was going on. He said to keep myself busy, keep distracted.
I have been busy at work all day. And i still managed to have a minor mental breakdown which led to me abandoning the bar and legging it outside to try to cry but it never happened. I just sat there and stared into space. Spent the next couple of hours trying to smile but it just wasn't happening. I couldn't even smile when serving customers. And i always smile. I'm super irritable all of a sudden and want to cry but instead i just stare into space. I know if someone had said the 'wrong' thing to me, i would have exploded. Either into an angry rant or into tears.
I'm home now and unsure what to do.



I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!


Who else is fine?!?!?


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Old 25-07-2022, 06:57 PM   #9
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That sounds really hard. I'm so sorry today was so difficult. Well done for calling Duty even if they weren't great.

As for what to do now - imagine someone you loved had a day like yours. What would you tell them? Treat yourself kindly. Fuel yourself as best you can, maybe limit sensory things that are difficult (if that's a problem for you), maybe watch something comforting and familiar and non-triggering. Wear your comfiest clothes/pyjamas. It sounds like you maybe reached the end of your tether today and that takes a while to recover from, so be as gentle as you are able to be. Giving yourself permission to stop and rest is a huge strength, not a weakness. And it doesn't have to be all candles and face masks either. Just a little self compassion.

You don't have to do lots tomorrow either. I know you've probably paid for the pilates class, but that money has gone whether you go or not - at this point you could go, wear yourself out further and maybe do yourself some damage (which I would argue is *worse* than wasting money), or not go, and use your energy on things that do need doing while making room to continue recovering from today.



'It's an impossible choice ... I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.'

"You're not scared of climbing mountains. You're scared that you can't make them move."

Jenna was here :P


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Old 25-07-2022, 07:18 PM   #10
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Thank you
I really really appreciate the reply

I ate an actual meal which has made me feel horrible but i needed it.
I feel exhausted but I'm scared of going to bed.
I don't even want to go upstairs. I don't know why.
I dropped something and just stared at it. Can't be dealing with picking it up.
I've switched the TV over to something that doesn't have self harm in it.

Pilates isn't until 4:30 so i have time to decide whether or not i feel up to going tomorrow.



I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!


Who else is fine?!?!?


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Old 25-07-2022, 07:28 PM   #11
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Low on words, but sending you so much love. <3 <3







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Old 25-07-2022, 07:30 PM   #12
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Thank you so much <3



I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!


Who else is fine?!?!?


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Old 25-07-2022, 07:53 PM   #13
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So much well done for the food, I know it doesn't feel it but it was absolutely the right thing to do.

Can you maybe sit with yourself for a few minutes and try to remember the reasons that going to bed is OK and safe?

It sounds like maybe you're at burn out point which is never fun. Please remember you deserve to be safe and fed and well.



'It's an impossible choice ... I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.'

"You're not scared of climbing mountains. You're scared that you can't make them move."

Jenna was here :P


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Old 25-07-2022, 08:06 PM   #14
Cacoethes
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Thank you <3

I have been upstairs to get changed
Also taken meds.
Hopefully I'll be ready for bed soon

It does feel a bit like burn out
I don't usually get ill while taking my medication so that's new
I don't know what I'll do if the olanzapine has stopped working
Everything has suddenly gone really slow



I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!


Who else is fine?!?!?


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Old 29-07-2022, 09:17 AM   #15
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Hey lovely,
Just offering support as I read your R/V, if you want to talk we are here <3
xx







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Old 29-07-2022, 09:30 AM   #16
Cacoethes
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Thanks so much <3

I did think about posting here but i kinda feel like everyone is getting sick of my sh*t
And i wouldn't blame them. I'm getting sick of my sh*t



I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!


Who else is fine?!?!?


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Old 29-07-2022, 10:22 AM   #17
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No one is sick of you!
In fact, I really care about you. Here if you need to talk <3







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Old 29-07-2022, 11:02 AM   #18
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Also here - if it would help to talk to us, talk to us <3



'It's an impossible choice ... I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.'

"You're not scared of climbing mountains. You're scared that you can't make them move."

Jenna was here :P


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Old 29-07-2022, 11:27 AM   #19
Cacoethes
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Thank you both so much <3
That really means a lot

I'm hoping to speak to the crisis team today but they haven't called yet. I'm not even sure if they've accepted the referral.
I'm really disappointed in myself because I'm pretty sure its been a good 2-3 years since my last OD.
People kept asking me what the intent was. And i don't know. I wasn't trying to kill myself. I wasn't doing it for self harm. The voices didn't tell me to do it.
I think i feel guilty for all the bad things happening in the world. I've just read that a 9 year old girl died in a suspected stabbing. Near jasmine's age. It didn't happen remotely near here but i feel like i could have stopped it if the OD had 'worked'. Not worked as in killed me, worked as in does what it has done before. But it failed.

Sorry, bit of a ramble

EDIT: crisis team just called. They'll be here in the next hour
I'm really not sure what to say to them
Worried I'm wasting their time


Last edited by Cacoethes : 29-07-2022 at 11:39 AM.


I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!


Who else is fine?!?!?


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Old 29-07-2022, 11:53 AM   #20
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Sounds really difficult and confusing, it’s hard when you can’t reach for a specific reason for how you feel.

Is there a way you could tell them what you just told us? I hope they understand how difficult the past little while has been. Would talking to them about food/exercise stuff be a possibility?



'It's an impossible choice ... I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.'

"You're not scared of climbing mountains. You're scared that you can't make them move."

Jenna was here :P


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