Hey Cap. I know it hurts, I can see it's really hard for you right now - but sorry, that is not the answer.
I'm only just now catching up with this thread, but just in the last few replies alone you've said things like 'I’m not living, just existing', ' I hate to miss work and as I've said in the past making money is kind of the only thing I have going for me right now.' and 'There is one friend I have that I trust and be open and honest with but ... She’s the love of my life but I can’t have her except as a friend.'
Just those three statements recently alone are more than enough to make someone feel terrible, and it's totally fair enough after everything you've been through that you're losing hope - even if you had some only days ago.
Things sound rough, situationally for you right now. I get that. But ending everything when your dealing with the sort of stuff above right now is not being fair to yourself. Only when and if everything is perfect, you've got no good reason to feel bad and yet you still can't win the battle is that ever a remotely excusable option.
We all hold that one time use get out card. But to use it when you are finding the here and now unbearable for good reason situationally is not being fair to yourself. Your past self, your present self or your future self - never mind those around you who care.
I know it's hard to find solutions to feeling empty and lonely and unhappy, I'm in no way underestimating the challenge of getting those things sorted. But the y ARE obtainable, and not having them is the reason you feel like this right now... not because of some unfixable force that you need to capitulate to on a certain date. I know that if a lot of those things you've said lately were even partly sorted, you'd have a lot more hope for the future and things would look very different.
I'm sorry things suck right now, but that doesn't mean that they always will or have to.
And don't forget that you're not alone - we're all right here happy and ready to help
*SORRY for the post that was here previously! I decided to skip dinner last night I went straight to cocktails. I had too much to drink and as a result that was the post that was originally here*
Last edited by CaptainB2 : 01-07-2020 at 07:23 PM.
Reason: Removed suicidal content
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
Nope, they’re not! Far from it! They are actually much worse. There’s really not much to discuss at this point. I’ve completely given up all together and I won’t have to deal with any of this much longer!
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
And now there’s one more death for me to experience in the year 2020.
How much more am I expected to take?!
How long before it’s my turn?!
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
I mean, I guess I’ve kind of figured for a while but I never truly realize just how true it was until now. literally got nothing and nobody........
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? Maybe I was just crazy. Maybe it was the 60's. Or maybe I was just a girl... interrupted.
I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside. I tried groups, didn't work out just made my depression a lot worse.
They’re really not any better to be honest. I had my monthly evaluation today. My anxiety and depression scores are higher than ever. So, yeah, I’m pretty awful. I’m more anxious and depressed than I’ve ever been......and that’s really saying something!
I don’t know how much longer I can hang on. This thread title is actually misleading, it really honestly isn’t even about COVID anymore. Or at least that’s just a very small part of it.
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
Things are worse than ever! Today is extremely rough because of the date. I officially lost the will to live one year ago today when my heart was severely broken.
I’m obviously still not over it. Today, simply looking at the date caused me to relive the trauma!
I don’t even understand why I’m still here! Yeah, at this point my problems go well beyond COVID.
I shouldn’t even be here and I really don’t want to be.
I’m trying desperately not to break anymore rules with this post.
This is NOT a suicide note! I’m not going to kill myself even though I desperately want to die!
I just want to drink until I either pass out or run out of alcohol. Whichever occurs first. Whatever happens will happen.
I don’t think I can bear to see the date
October 14th again!
Last edited by CaptainB2 : 15-10-2020 at 06:58 AM.
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
