Actually my not-exactly woes

[one_step_closer]

Maybe he wants more observation to be done first. I really hope you can safely talk to the staff because you need to do that for them to help you and allow you to move forward and go home.

[tamobhuuta]

Not sure :s

I thought I was being paranoid but they really were talking about me in the communal area! They were pissed because staff had said if I SHed in the garden they would lock the door to the garden, and people wouldn't be able to go out for illegal ciggies. The only patient I'm on speaking terms with told me. I feel awful.

[one_step_closer]

Some people only think about themselves not the safety of others. Try not to worry too much, they will have something else to complain about soon probably.

[tamobhuuta]

Thanks osc.

[one_step_closer]

How are you doing?

[tamobhuuta]

I'm having a bad day - first day of period and my body is screwing with me. I SHed yesterday to punish myself for getting upset and talking to the support worker (who was lovely) but luckily no one knows.

[one_step_closer]

Having your period on top of everything else is never nice. I'm sorry you punished yourself for something that didn't need punishment at all. Please try to keep talking and do all you can not to hurt yourself. Are there other people you now feel comfortable with?

[tamobhuuta]

There's a few people now. But I don't want to talk if the voices are going to then insist I si.

[one_step_closer]

If you tell people how you are feeling and also tell them that the voices often tell you to punish yourself after you have spoken to someone maybe they can help. And you don't have to do what the voices say. You have to take steps to look after yourself.

[tamobhuuta]

The voices have been nice today, telling me ways I can get closer to flying while stuck in here. I've tried some out and ended up being given repeated prn. They've locked the garden, not because I was SHing but jumping off furniture. After the patients' worries the other day I had gone to a nurse and she had said they wouldn't lock it because of me. But I can't promise not to climb. The patients are going to hate me.

[one_step_closer]

I think if you were able to fly you would have done it by now. Jumping off furniture isn't going to get you any closer.

[tamobhuuta]

Hmmm.

I SHed Friday evening and this afternoon. Sssshhhhh it's a secret.
Also yesterday but that's not a secret.

I tried to talk to staff but had no words. As a teenager my only way to deal with voices was SH. I'm scared I'm going back to that. Which would be kind of fine if I had more than x to SH with. I have asked my mum to bring in my therapy notebook.

[long road]

Do you think it would be better if the sh wasn't a secret so that staff could help you keep safe? Do you think you would be able to give X in to stop yourself?

I know at times it can feel like SH is the only option/ the only thing that helps. But beyond the immediate moment it doesn't help it just makes things more complicated and leaves you with wounds and potential guilt to deal with.

Well done on asking for your therapy notebook, hopefully you can use that to remember other strategies to cope with voices.

[one_step_closer]

How did your ward round go if it's ok to ask? Has anything moved forward?

[tamobhuuta]

It was ok. I'd given them a sheet last night with some key points that the voices and I were happy with and said at the beginning of the meeting that I wouldn't be saying anything else. My mum came and told them a bit about my history. Made me sound really mental. The psych wants me to try to write some more for next time but I don't think I can.

[one_step_closer]

That sounds like there was at least some good communication. Hopefully you can write more for next time, even if you don't discuss it or say it out loud if that's too scary.

[tamobhuuta]

I got scared my dinner was poisoned and I had to cut it out my chest. Tried and failed. Went to an HCA who had been nice earlier and explained my situation (minus the SH) and he offered to do my MEWS so I could see if there was any poison in me. Then he got the nurse to give me PRN. She saw where I'd tried to cut but I wasn't talking about it and she wasn't going to make me. I'm feeling a bit safer about the poison now.

[one_step_closer]

Well done for going to the HCA and I'm glad they were helpful. Please consider approaching someone before you take action if anything like this happens again.

[tamobhuuta]

I keep screwing up. If they would just let me fly this tortuous charade could end.

[long road]

I don't think there have ever been or will ever be any humans who can fly without equipment such as a plane or hang glider or jetpack. If they let you try and fly you would likely severely injure yourself and maybe die.But I understand it's hard for you to see that right now.

I hope you can get to a place eagain where you can see it. Did your mum bring your therapy notebook? Could you use it to try and refute some of the beliefs/ things the voices are saying like you have in the past?