The duty doctor has finally spoken to me. She wanted me to compromise and stay until tomorrow when they can get in touch with my psych. I feel like i have already compromised by staying yesterday. I’ll likely end up staying until Tuesday when i see the psych face to face. I had an awful sleep last night, i’m the same at home but it’s more noticeable and frustating here. I asked for some advice and they said stay in bed for 20 minutes then get up for 10 and repeat. That didn’t work and i was winding myself up further by panicking about how terrible i’d feel in the morning so they gave me 1mg of Lorazepam. 1mg never helps me, only 2mg but that’s what the doctor prescriped me. After that i gave up getting out of bed and just lay there and saw up to about 3.30am then woke for good about 5.30am and then had to get up at 8am. This routine doesn’t suit my sleeping pattern at all.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Not to be too down on your pro skillz but last time didn't you come out and think you should have stayed longer? I could be remembering wrong, so apologies if so!
Hope the next couple of days go ok and that you get benefits from a better organised discharge when it happens. And hopefully that happens on Tuesday!
Is there anything you think would be beneficial to add to your care in the community that you could ask for when you see psych?
If you trust ward psych opinion more than yours could you ask if she has any recommendations for how to adjust meds if things get too hard again at home? Are you being discharged with PRN if you are still using it while inpatient? How can/ will you manage OD risk if having PRN/ how will you avoid stockpiling? Do you think seeing crisis / duty on discharge would be beneficial?
Thanks. I don’t think anything else can be added to the support i have right now. I don’t think i need to be referred back to psychology or OT. I kind of want to ask the ward psych if there’s any way i can see her in the community. She covers a different area than mine but i’ve had psychs in the past agree to take me on. I might just say i wish she was my psych in the community instead of asking. She can respond whatever way. I probably won’t say anything though.
I don’t think i’ll be allowed any PRN meds at home which is understandable. It’s right that i can’t be trusted not to overdose. I don’t know if there would be a way where i could have a small number at home and have it on repeat prescription so i can get more when i need them. I do think that i wouldn’t just keep ordering them and saving them up.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I know it is hard to advocate for yourself and it's a tricky subject to broach but it seems worth trying to see if psych will take you on, a good psych can make a big difference. And I think the ward psych could be a better fit for you as she seems to understand you better / her read seems more like my read of you. It also seems like you find her easier to talk to.
Maybe a really small number like 2-3 days of PRN. Worth asking even though there is a high likelihood they will say no as if you don't ask you definitely won't get.
Might help your case if you consider how they could supervise the PRN to stop you stockpiling / check whether you have used them before ordering more. Maybe no repeats / request has to be approved each time. They do this for my prescription painkillers so they can keep an eye on how often I am ordering them.
Hope these suggestions are ok and I am not overstepping, seeing as you have had to stay a few extra days I want you to get the best out of those days by getting a proper discharge plan and raising anything with ward psych that she can get in motion while you have access to her.
Thanks. I really don’t know if i’ll be able to ask the psych if i can see her in the community. If i had my PRN on repeat the GP would have to ok it anyway.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
The novelty of being home from hospital has worn off and now I am back to being distressed and suicidal. I wish I would just die. How many times am I going to fail at it? I phoned Duty and they just told me to stick to my routine.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Thank you. I got through the night but in the middle of the night I put a reminder in my phone to kill myself. I have deleted it but very triggered. Within half an hour of getting out of bed I had self harmed using two different methods and cried. I phoned Duty but it went to voicemail. I've really had enough of all this.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
No, nothing was put in place and even when I phoned Duty yesterday to say I was struggling it wasn't suggested. It's not like I can even try phoning 111 because they are so busy. I'm really not coping. I have been self harming again. I wish I had died last year like I was supposed to. No one can really do anything about how I'm feeling, I have been like this all my adult life and some of my teenage years. Nothing has helped. I think if I had kept the weeks worth of meds the ward gave me I would have overdosed by now. I'm not really happy that I gave them to the chemist. I need to die. There are no particular thoughts about why I need to die, just overwhelming feelings. I want to go out and attempt suicide in a way that should definitely work.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I actually managed to call 111 and got through quite quickly. They are getting a CPN to phone me within the hour. I don't really know why I phoned because I'm not going to agree to go to A&E or anything if they suggest it. I'm really anxious.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
No need to apologise, it's important that you focus on yourself.
I'm really not good. I just can't seem to get away from my distress and my CPN doesn't understand because I don't think he can imagine such extreme emotions. I can't imagine what less powerful emotions are like so I don't expect him to be able to understand. I'm so tired of fighting through each day. I don't even get to reset through the night because of my poor sleep and nightmares. I don't know what to do any more. I don't want to keep holding on.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Have you told him this, clearly? He should know but I think some people don't understand how intense emotions can be. You'd think that would be a plus of having an EUPD diagnosis.
I didn't say anything to him when he was on the phone because I don't always form full thoughts and responses until I think about what was discussed after the call ends. I will try and explain things to him when I have an appointment with him next Wednesday.
The GP surgery has had a week to sort my meds but when I went to the chemist today they hadn't sorted them. Kindly, someone from the chemist phoned them and said they would be ready by the end of the working day and they brought them to my house because I was just going to collect them tomorrow but they didn't want me to have no night meds. They haven't given me my morning meds though so I'm just going to have to do without.
I saw my friend today when we went to the colouring group and we spoke a bit about what happened at the beginning of the month with my suicide attempt. I was making lots of jokes about it but she said when we were in A&E the waiting time was 10-12 hours but I was seen in 3 hours because my face was blue. That feels a bit difficult to know. Especially since I don't remember a lot about what happened in A&E and the start of my psych ward admission because I was so out of it. Stupidly or not I will be requesting my medical notes to see what other peoples perceptions of me were.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm really struggling. I'm not looking for medical advice here but if anyone has similar experiences to any of this stuff or has some tips to manage I'd be grateful.
First of all I wake up in the morning and recently I have been so exhausted that I've stayed in bed for 15-45 minutes after my alarm goes off. This might not seem like much of an issue but I have a very strict schedule and it's meaning I am completing things later than usual and I don't get to do some of the less important things. I am fully aware that I will get all the main things done eventually and that lots of people can't do some of the things they'd like to do because of having to spend time doing the things they need to do. But this doesn't help with my emotions. I get close to tears so often. Once I am out of bed I have to process whatever nightmares I've had the night before. I also feel very physically ill in the morning.
I have developed hyperacusis on top of my tinnitus which is an extreme sensitivity to sound. Every noise is painful and it is constant because my tinnitus creates noise so there is always noise. It hurts my ears and my head and also creates feelings of pressure in them. With this I also get a huge fright from unexpected movements like my cat running in front of me and if I spill juice. So that hurts and the fright on top of it makes it so much worse and I end up reacting/overreacting and nearly start crying. Another thing with the sensitivity is that my face is also sensitive and my cat loves to show affection by licking my face and now that is agonising and cats don't understand English so no matter how much I tell him to settle down he keeps trying to get back to my face.
As soon as I am out of bed I start dreading going back to bed. I can't find a pillow that is comfy and they hurt my neck and head. My eczema is itchy, my hair touching my face is annoying, my knees hurt. It takes me at least 3 hours to get to sleep and then I will have nightmares and wake up from them lots and they get mixed in with reality and I'm terrified.
I'm very suicidal. My CPN doesn't like me talking about serious things with him, he wants to just have a general chat. He thinks it should be easy for me to be ok with missing things out of my schedule and that I should be able to easily distract myself from my emotions. Everything is so overwhelming. I suppose I will just have to deal with the hyperacusis because it's not likely to go away because it's more due to psychological distress than something truly physical. I just don't know what to do about everything.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Lindsay, I read your RV and this might be a completely off the wall suggestion, but have you tried dummies to help you sleep? I know they’re for babies but they really help me, and I’m not the only autistic person who uses them. Obviously perhaps not in public, but in the house they can be a really effective way of comforting yourself