Intense emotional pain

[Sketchy]

How did your appointment with your cpn go?

How are you feeling today?

[Aubergine]

Hey. Well done for staying safe and just going to bed. I know it might not feel like and achievement, but it really is.


How did it go with your CPN today?

[one_step_closer]

Thank you both.

As expected my CPN was focusing on what I can be doing with my life. She was asking if I want to go back into education, which I don't, so we spoke about volunteering but came to no conclusion. She asked if there's anything she can do for me (with regards to moving forward with some form of proper adult activity) and asked me to think about it before I see her next. She asked if I like having structure and I told her that I get overwhelmed when I even have 2 things on during the day so I try to stick to one main thing, like an appointment. She didn't mention forcing me into work but that will likely be on the cards if I can't think of a way to make steps towards it more slowly. I'm seeing my psychiatrist on 22nd January which I'm dreading because he always goes on about my intelligence and how I need to be doing something. This may not be true but I feel like no one will just let me 'be' and survive for now until I feel stronger (if that ever happens) life is all about working and stuff. I don't feel like an adult. I have never had a full time job and the last 2 part time jobs I had I messed them up because of my mental health and didn't turn up a lot because I was so anxious.

But my CPN seems ok in general. We spoke about my worries about my brother and she tried to tell me I don't need to worry so much but it's hard to let go of that. My brother is on my mind so much. I saw my previous CPN when I was leaving and she said Merry Christmas and I said it's not Christmas any more and she called me the Grinch! I will miss her.

[Aubergine]

I'm really glad that your new CPN seems OK in general. I think it's natural to miss professionals we have had a good relationship with, but that doesn't mean that you can't have a connection with your new one that's just as good.


I know that this can feel like a really big step, but would you consider volunteering? I know our local volunteer centre offers supported volunteering, and if your area offered something like that, it would mean that someone could go with you the first few times. Some places do group volunteering, and do things like litter picking (one example I've seen recently) that's just once a month or whatever, so there's no massive commitment there.


I don't think life is all about working, though I can definitely see why it might feel like that. The government and media don't help! I'm not sure that your CPN or psychiatrist would want to push you into paid work, as they will understand that paid employment comes with quite a lot of pressure that really doesn't help some people, no matter how intelligent they are. They might want to help you find some meaningful activity though, because a hobby or volunteer work etc have been show to improve mental health. They're on your side and will want to help you do things that are going to make life better for you.

[one_step_closer]

Thanks. I've done quite a bit of volunteering in the past, I liked mentoring and stuff during my undergrad but any other volunteering I've done has left me anxious and I've had to stop going. I don't think it was because of the type of voluntary work, I just found it hard to cope because of my mental health worsening. I look for voluntary work quite a bit and have applied for things but the problem is that I often can't get out of bed on time to attend group training sessions and also that I get socially overwhelmed with too much contact. I'll have to do something though.

Last night my friend text me and asked why I am her friend. I said because we get on well. She said 'we do don't we but I'm finding it hard relationships nowadays. I think sometimes I see you and I get a bit upset for some reason but I love you as a friend.' I am the toxic person in everyones lives. I need to find the courage/strength/focus/whatever it takes to kill myself. I'll probably be dead soon anyway with how quickly time is passing, even if I live until I'm 90.

[one_step_closer]

I need, need, need to give up life. For me and for other people. I'm ruining things for everyone. My brother may even be reading this and he wouldn't be likely to tell me if he was. So I've potentially worried him anyway, I may as well try to end everything. I can't bring any good to the world, I bring far too much pain. I hurt the world. I am a disease. I absolutely hate myself. I don't want to do this any more. I don't want to keep fighting. Yet I keep fighting. I want to give up.

[Sketchy]

You bring so much to the world and it’s a better place for having you in it! Please believe me.

I don’t have many words, but I have read. Keep fighting.

[one_step_closer]

I don't know what to do. I can't just keep existing. I'm so, so low and tired of the battle. I need help but I don't know what to say to get it. I don't know if I can explain anything. No one can help me anyway I know that, I've learned it after 16 years of being diagnosed with mental health problems. There's nothing I can do to help myself either. I need a sure way to die or maybe even just a coping mechanism that actually works. I want to push past the physical barriers and self harm the way I used to.

[Zurg]

Lindsay, i am really not trying to be harsh here and i hope you won't take offense but i feel i should say it. The thing is, as long as you keep giving up on life, nothing will change. I know the world is a hard and scary place. I know i want to run and hide all the time, myself. But i really think you have to give something a chance if things are ever going to change. The more you remain stuck in your life with lack of routines, the more it will feed the feeling of misery and of death being a sensible solution. The truth is that death is never really a sensible solution. While i can understand suicide i can never condone it. It leaves too much pain behind.

Your cpn spoke about volunteering. I urge you to look into it and maybe give it a chance. And i really don't think anyone expects success immediatly. So if it is hard to get up and get going, try to ask yourself what might make it easier. And what might actually happen if you don't. Not neccessarily to the people expecting your company, but to yourself.

I made a pact with myself a long time ago (because i'm weird and like to do thongs like that); that i would always try to do what the professionals in my life suggested, just once. Because i do believe whatever they may suggest, they do it because they want the best for us. So i have been doing a lot of silly things over the past 3 years and most of them i have abandoned again but i tried them out because what damage could it do???? My life is shit, i might as well try to make it less shitty.

I had to push myself for some of the things because they were way out of my comfort zone. Even if i have not succeeded with them i at leats got a feeling that i accomplished something. I managed to do something that scared me. And for some strange and silly reason this gave me the focus i needed to try other things. And that is my point, you don't have to be the best at everything you try but please just keep trying things. Because nothing will change if you just give up. And no, you're not toxic or a burden or any of those terrible things. You're just lost in life. And it's ok. We all get lost from time to time. But ultimately there won't be a hero flying in here to save you, you have to save yourself. Change starts from within. I believe in you. I hope you can believe in you too. Xx

[one_step_closer]

Thank you, no offence taken. I know that I need to actively try to change I'm just terrified and put off because nothing I have tried in the past has made a difference. Life is so painful and hard to deal with as it is and I worry so much about pushing myself because I know I will feel even more emotional pain so how on earth am I going to cope with that? Maybe something out there will bring me something positive but I feel ill equipped to deal with the additional negative stuff that is bound to come along with things. I am a rubbish human being. It's not easy to run away from commitments and I am always running and avoiding what I can because I do not want any additional emotional pain. I feel overwhelmed when I think about adding things to my life. Everything is too much. I'm not supposed to live a 'normal' life anyway, I don't have the skills, I'm stuck. I'm scared.

[Aubergine]

What kinds of things have you tried in the past?


Life can be hard and painful to deal with, but with me, I find it more hard and painful to deal with if I've got nothing to focus on other than how hard and painful it is. It's a really difficult situation you're in, and I can understand how very scary it must be to even consider pushing yourself out of your comfort zone, but I think Zurg is right in that nothing will change if you don't give it the chance to.


There are parts of life that can feel impossible, I know. It can be tragic and terrifying and contain hurt. I can also be amazing though. It can be fun and exciting and enjoyable and fulfilling. You deserve the chance to experience it in that light.

[one_step_closer]

I have tried volunteering, paid work, education, social groups. My previous CPN did think that I have too much time on my hands to think about things and my previous psychologist said he thinks the next steps for me should be to have more structured time. I'm just terrified and would rather stay stuck like this than take the risk of doing something that could make things worse and I can't back out of it through giving it up or through death. I don't think I can bear to feel any worse than I do right now. I can't think of anything I'm interested in or want to achieve in life. Life does not appeal to me but I try to hold on for my brother's sake and because I may end up getting suicide wrong. I need some way to relieve my pain. I wish I could relieve my brother's pain at least. I don't want to have to tolerate things any more. I want to be able to self harm to the degree that I used to as that offered me some feeling of control and relief.

[Sketchy]

Adding structure doesn’t have to be a big thing. Baby steps is good. What about going out for a coffee one day? I find that helps me. It’s also good to get a treat like that.

Would you be interested in doing an evening class? I did creative writing to help me get some structure and it was the best thing I could have done for myself. It was terrifying, but it helped my confidence and I met people who are now my friends who I meet with regularly. The best thing about an evening class is that you don’t have to get up early for it and it’s only a couple of hours a week.

[one_step_closer]

I don't really know what I'm interested in. I've been to some creative writing classes with my support worker but felt uncomfortable because I only really know how to write about my mental health and personal experiences. The organisation my support worker is from was supposed to be starting a creative writing group but it got cancelled for some reason. I've looked into evening classes but didn't connect with anything. Everything I can think of doing just seems dull and pointless.

The world is full of pain and the pain of people close to me (namely my brother) is because of me. I don't deserve to enter into another new year. If I survive the year I wonder what will have happened when I am reading my blog on 31st December 2018. I read back over previous years, I have gotten through them and wondered about the next year. Time will keep on passing. The moment of me writing this will be gone. I don't want to be a part of this painful world any more, I don't want to contribute more pain and I can't take any away (from my brother). I can't help him. If I can't help him then what reason is there for me to live?

Nothing positive can happen in 2018 and my soothing mechanisms of self harm and respite in hospital aren't going to be things that I can use very often, if at all, any more. The future is more hopeless than the past and the present.

[nonperson]

Sometimes you just have to do things that you just really don't want to. Maybe if you just try something, anything... instead of deciding that there is nothing for you, you might find that you enjoy it. But the point is to keep trying. If everything you can think of doing seems dull and pointless then try doing the things that you were even quicker to dismiss.

I'm totally guilty of doing this as well,being a pessimist and deciding that I won't like things before I've even tried them... so, yes I am a hypocrite and completely know how hard it is to do new things...

Yes there is lots of pain in the world and I really doubt that you are the cause of it. Ultimately everyone is responsible for their own happiness and that includes your brother. You will undoubtedly cause him a whole lot more pain if you were to kill yourself. But I suppose that doesn't matter because you won't be around to see it?

Sorry if that sounds harsh, I'm not trying to be mean but I keep reading the same things in your posts. You have a support network of people who are trying to help you and who are making suggestions but nothing will work if you won't give anything a try. And so what if you find you don't like it or it's too soon or too hard - that's fine because nothing is permanent and there will always be other things to try. You can always take a step back if you find things too difficult.

[one_step_closer]

I always try the things my treatment team suggest. I have been looking for voluntary work for quite a while but it falls through a lot, people don't get back to me and things. I go to the gym with my support assistant and am going to be trying to move on to the gym group soon. I really do try but it's hard to commit to things like volunteering when I have no interest because it's kind of like a job and people will therefore be annoyed if it doesn't work out. I just let people down whatever I do. I'm always failing. I'm not good at tolerating emotional pain and I don't know of any helpful coping strategies despite years of therapy etc, I just avoid things and run away. I am weak and pathetic, I know.

[Sketchy]

I have no useful advice, but I do have Hugs. *hugs*

Try to be kinder to yourself. You deserve kindness.

[nonperson]

You are really not weak and pathetic. You're just very very hard on yourself!

You probably know more coping strategies that you realise. Maybe you just need to be in the right position to be able to use them effectively...

Volunteering is not like a job and the people that run it know that it won't suit everyone so if it doesn't work out for you they're not going to be annoyed or anything. There will be plenty of other people to fill that role instead. I honestly think you just need to find the right thing and, even if it's not something you think you'd be interested in, you might be surprised and find it is something you enjoy after all.

For example, I took a break from uni and was forced to take a job I really didn't want to do in the meantime... and basically I enjoyed it so much it's now what I do for a proper living. No one ever saw it coming, especially me.

I'm just saying, you've got to keep trying and it's really good that you do keep taking your treatment team's advice. However if you go around expecting to fail or to annoy people then that is what will happen. Step back from any pre-conceptions. There is no pressure other than what you put on yourself so... as said above, be kinder to yourself.

Also I'm really am not meaning to sound horrible. In actual fact I should be taking my own advice so I do understand.

[one_step_closer]

Thank you. The truth is I don't deserve any support. I should discharge myself from all services. I should kill myself tonight. I have had a shower and my hair is wet and that is enough of a protective factor for now to stop me going out and doing something risky, I am weak and pathetic. What would even be lost for the world if I was dead? The answer is not much. Chester is dead. I can't get relief from music. I hear his voice and think about how he doesn't exist any more. I know my brother would think about me not existing. I do not know how to cope with life. I can't fix things for my brother and I can't be strong enough to support him. I remember one of my previous psychiatrists saying I need to stop seeing self destruction as an option. A nurse said commit to something in life for one year. I fight against life because I'm not strong enough to deal with the hurt. I don't think I can grasp life and I don't want to float along for years being electrocuted by negative emotions. The only solution is suicide. Lots of people get it right. I am far too weak to handle adult life.

[one_step_closer]

Just saw your reply nonperson, thank you.