Fear and confusion, being diagnosed
I've gone around the sun a few times being treated for depression and anxiety, and nothing ever worked long term. A year ago my vocational health care doc finally wrote me a referral to the local polyclinic of psychiatry. I waited for about 5 months before I was seen by a psychiatric nurse and a psychiatrist.
Working with them has been one of the h<arder things I've done in my life. I went in all trusting, and committed myself fully to the process, and I ended up being triggered all to h***, with no aftercare given. I thought I was going to be tested for the first time ever to see what really ails me, but all they did was test the hypothesis my doc had given in the referral - really nothing outside it. I ended up diagnosed with C-PTSD and recurring depression.
I was kind of disappointed in this because I felt like PTSD didn't cover all my symptoms - things they never asked me about and I didn't think to bring up. I told them as much, and they agreed to interview me and my partner together to gather information about my dissociative symptoms. Just to make sure PTSD really covers it all.
Meanwhile I've been working with a therapist for a year now and recently she became interested in my troubles directing my focus. She's also a psychologist. She's done some tests and interviewed me, and told me that I fulfill the diagnostic criteria for ADD. She does not believe I have a dissociative disorder - she believes I have PTSD and ADD.
My psychiatrist, however, told me that he wasn't going to test me for ADD before he was satisfied that treatment for PTSD and depression didn't help me focus better. And who knows how long that's going to be?
He isn't fully qualified yet so I have to wait for months to see a psychiatrist who specializes in trauma and dissociation for her to assess whether I might have some kind of dissociative disorder.
Meanwhile, we would like to try to have kids, but we were denied fertility treatments while my mh is being studied. It feels like I am defective in their eyes, and no one is interested in what our life is like outside these symptoms. I have done alright for myself in my life - I have been able to cope really quite well. Most of my struggle has been internal. And for that reason, for so long I wasn't believed when I talked about my difficulties. And now all of a sudden the professionals I work with have done a 180 on that and no longer care about my coping skills. It's like I can't win.
It especially upsets me that it's the trauma that worries the fertility clinic - that being subjected to distress as a child would mean I cannot become a parent is such a demoralizing thought. Like my dad took away all these things from me, and now he might take away my family? That's just too much.
I'm just so sad and confused, and depressed.
This feels shameful and I haven't been able to talk about it with anyone. Plus I know friends and family are also fed up with the process because it's been going on for so long. I don't even know what to ask you guys.
I guess I just don't know what to do or how to cope.