Contains abuse - PTSD or Anxiety? *trigger warning* * substances*
I'm not on here much anymore but I'm really needing help... Long story short; I've been with my partner 8.5 years (me; 33F, him; 35M) a little over a year ago he relapsed on a substance I won't name but it caused him to become extremely irritable and aggressive, after he ran out of his drug of choice (fyi I was thinking he was having a severe manic episode, had no suspicion of relapse) he had an extreme angry outburst which involved him screaming at his kid, screaming at me, grabbing a hatchet and trying to climb onto our apartment roof to get a woodpecker that was making noise, he snapped out of it and got down, apologized to his kid and myself, then flipped out more, screamed at me and punched a hole in our bedroom door. His kid was outside during that part so he didn't witness it or the hatchet/roof situation. Anyway... Since then I've been seriously questioning my sexual orientation, I've always identified as bi but I'm thinking I'm gay af. We had been engaged but I broke it off and broke up with him in March, but for a few weeks we've been trying to see if a relationship would work... And he's been pointing out that a lot of my behavior and reactions are on point with someone who's been abused. Or has PTSD. He even asked me the other day if I had any history of trauma that I've never told him about.
This got me thinking, so I've taken several online tests which all say it's likely I do have PTSD. But I can't tell him it's from HIM. This relationship has caused the most trauma that I've experienced... But not always. I love him but I'm also afraid of him when he's upset. And I'm pretty sure I'm gayyyyy. And there's a lot of other reasons I end ed it... But I basically decided to give it another shot because he said he was crying every day and he realized he cannot take care of himself (I've been working and paying for everything for over 2 years and doing 90% of the housework forever). He has a lot of mental health issues and should probably be on disability, but apparently it's my fault he isn't on disability yet because I didn't help him apply.
So... I already have depression and anxiety but now I'm really wondering if I also now have PTSD. I finally have therapy set up through my job but it's not for a week and a half. Any time he gets upset I start to panic. He blew up at me a week ago for hours, loudly and aggressively telling me everything he doesn't like about me and everything I have done or am doing wrong, I was so scared and started panicking. He confirmed my fears by telling me I'm lying about being gay, I'm so stressed that people think I'm just making up a reason to break up but that isn't the case. He pointed out how I panic if he gets at all upset and asked me to "have courage" to express how I'm feeling to him, how though?? How can I express my feelings if I'm afraid?? I basically feel like a complete loser and pathetic... I'm REALLY looking forward to therapy.
This isn't meant to make my partner sound like a total jerk, he's often very emotionally supportive and encouraging, but I cannot get over the fear. He's never physically hurt me but I'm still scared. He has been physical with an ex and it was a mutually abusive relationship (she has a TON of narcissistic traits and was the instigator of the physical abuse, I know her enough and I've seen enough to 100% believe this, not to say that he should have reciprocated), he's been in a lot, lot of fights with other men in the past. Anyway, I don't enjoy being with someone who could easily physically overpower me.
Help. I do have therapy on the 19th but I'm desperate for insight.
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