I have DID and one of my parts in particular (although some others agree with her) is really suicidal. There's a lot of noise in my head and voices/images that are overwhelming.
Today I dissociated and lost some time, coming back somewhere else with stuff for an attempt.
I had messaged my therapist this morning to say that I was worried about keeping safe and she messaged my wife. My wife said we need to come up with some sort of plan to help me keep safe.
I'm trying to do things different. November-December are the worst months for me because of trauma stuff. My therapist was talking about needing to break this cycle and she's right.
It feels scary and overwhelming. Sorry if none of this makes sense to anyone!
Let us go then you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, like a patient etherized upon a table
- T.S. Elliot
It made sense to me. I'm glad you're being honest about stuff and trying to figure out what to do. <3
I don't know if I have a ton of suggestions, but is there anything you can do to remind yourself (and the parts) that things are different now?
Sometimes for me I make a list of how things used to be versus how things are now. Or a list of how I used to do things. Then I can at least look at it and say okay so we used to do xyz thing but we do not do that anymore.
Hopefully your wife and therapist can help you figure out different ways to work through it.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
Have you tried communicating with her and ask her why she's suicidal?? It may Sound stupid but i find that the times in which i communicate more with the alters that they are actually easier to have around. Sometimes i ask them what they want to do. Like, some want to watch certain types of movies and others want to take a walk and stuff like that. It Sounds odd but trying to accomodate for all of the 'pieces' can be a help in staying grounded and avoiding a total blackout where you're taken over completely.
Yeah I tried to start a list on how things are different so will get back to that when my head isn't so 'full'. It's definitely something we're trying to work on in therapy but she said it will take quite a while before the others take it on board.
My wife was going to try and see if there was an app that would alert her when I leave the house so she can check on me when she's at work. I don't actually know if that exists but I guess no harm in looking.
Let us go then you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, like a patient etherized upon a table
- T.S. Elliot
Have you tried communicating with her and ask her why she's suicidal?? It may Sound stupid but i find that the times in which i communicate more with the alters that they are actually easier to have around. Sometimes i ask them what they want to do. Like, some want to watch certain types of movies and others want to take a walk and stuff like that. It Sounds odd but trying to accomodate for all of the 'pieces' can be a help in staying grounded and avoiding a total blackout where you're taken over completely.
Sorry I didn't see your reply before.
Yes, I know why she's suicidal. She thinks that we have evil in our bloodstream and that everyone we love is going to be tortured/killed and the only way to out is to bleed it out which will probably kill us/make us very ill or to die.
My therapist and I are trying to explain the truth to her but she's really stuck in that way of thinking.
I get it. When the voices and images are really bad, I feel like that's the only way out too.
Let us go then you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, like a patient etherized upon a table
- T.S. Elliot
Maybe i,m completely in the wrong here but the things about feeling/thinking you're evil is something i really relate to. I Think it's a sort of defense mechanism from whatever the traumas were that happened in the first place. Maybe in a Way to take the blame onboard on ourselves in order to regain the control that was lost when the terrible things happened……??? Unsure whether i am making sense at all.
She might get there in the end. Is she young??? Sometimes things you found calming as a child can be helpful.
She's younger than but not a child. I have child parts and a child part that thinks in the same way. It feels easier to soothe the younger parts.
What you're saying definitely makes sense. I think a lot of it stems from things we were told when going through the abuse.
I'm feeling very tense and overwhelmed. I have a splitting headache from all the noise.
Let us go then you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, like a patient etherized upon a table
- T.S. Elliot
I was wondering whether there was any ‘shared’ space, outside of therapy, where the alters might be able to communicate with one another when they are present.
I know everyone is different (both alters and also in terms of ‘hosts’ who have the DID diagnosis), and maybe this won’t be helpful but I was wondering whether there could be a journal where each has their own space to write or draw and then the others would have something to check in with to see what is going on for the others?
Apologies if this isn’t helpful or applicable for you!
I know your post was about doing things differently. I was just wondering whether maybe having a space for them, and also more awareness might help come up with a plan that might work?
No no, that was really helpful.
We actually do have a journal - I have no idea where it is but this a great reminder to go find it!
I keep starting things that might be helpful and then completely forgetting about them.
Thank you all for being so understanding and making suggestions xx
Let us go then you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, like a patient etherized upon a table
- T.S. Elliot
Can you talk to her about other ways to get rid of the evil? For me going to confession/meeting with a priest really helped.
You could also look into inner child work. It's a type of therapy that focuses on healing your inner child/self at different ages when the trauma happened. There are several inner child activities on youtube I've seen. I would recommend a therapist that does that kind of work.
If November and December are harder months could you try to fill these months with positive activities? Even small things to help make the average day better could help. Examples could be making your favorite meal, spending time with a pet, watching a good movie, maybe some good date nights?
Forget the risk and take the fall if it's what you want it's worth it all
I am glad it wasn’t totally silly or unhelpful. My thinking is, if the alters can communicate in some way, then they could maybe have some input on what might be helpful for them. I know that’s not a long term ‘solution’ but communicating and putting every bodies voice ‘forward’ so they all feel heard, might help?
If I feel crap and suicidal, I hate when people try and impose things on me, rather than consulting with me….maybe alter is the same and involving them might help? Hence the suggestion? When you or an adult is present, if you could write to them and also do an entry and leave it somewhere they will see it (maybe J could prompt?) it might help?
Other thing I wondered was whether you had a jigsaw? Or could make or get one? This is probably more ‘out there’, but I was wondering whether having a jigsaw with X numbers of pieces, might be helpful? So like each alter can ‘place’ their piece so when E/you are present, you will know who has been there?
Like assigning each alter a jigsaw piece or similar…. So that not only would you know who had been around, but you would know who to write to and it would also be a way of them marking their presence in a physical way, that doesn’t hurt the body?
I want to echo the journal suggestion and also I was wondering if you have done any work on internal safety and grounding for parts as well as yourself? That may sound silly but they need safe things too, and sometimes helping them build a sense of safety and skills for being in the moment can be helpful for all of you.
There's also apps that can be used to track what parts are present and any important things, but that does take some level of cooperation to be most effective. It might be worthwhile to see if any level of agreement to use something of that nature could be reached, or at least writing in a shared journal to try to increase communication and trust.
Something else to try might be figuring out additional small ways to increase trust in you/your therapist. If she's convinced of this big problem being real, it will take a lot of trust for her to believe that you/your therapist are right and that what you're saying is real. So increasing trust in general would potentially help. That doesn't even need to be in major ways, it could be something like setting something you know makes her feel safe or happy or at least not evil up for if she becomes present, or asking what she would like (aside from being dead) and figuring out how to incorporate those things.
I'm not sure if any of that is super helpful, but I wanted to reply with things that have been helpful in my own experience.
Can you talk to her about other ways to get rid of the evil? For me going to confession/meeting with a priest really helped.
You could also look into inner child work. It's a type of therapy that focuses on healing your inner child/self at different ages when the trauma happened. There are several inner child activities on youtube I've seen. I would recommend a therapist that does that kind of work.
If November and December are harder months could you try to fill these months with positive activities? Even small things to help make the average day better could help. Examples could be making your favorite meal, spending time with a pet, watching a good movie, maybe some good date nights?
Thank you for your response.
Religion and churches etc are a huge trigger so I think that would only make things worse for her but I understand the logic behind your suggestion and I'm really pleased it helped you.
Inner child work is part of the work I'm doing with my therapist. I'll have a look on youtube! We have cuddily toys, blankets and books to try and help the little parts. I made a photo book for one of the parts to explain how things are now and that we're in a grown up, safe place now.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pomegranate
I am glad it wasn’t totally silly or unhelpful. My thinking is, if the alters can communicate in some way, then they could maybe have some input on what might be helpful for them. I know that’s not a long term ‘solution’ but communicating and putting every bodies voice ‘forward’ so they all feel heard, might help?
If I feel crap and suicidal, I hate when people try and impose things on me, rather than consulting with me….maybe alter is the same and involving them might help? Hence the suggestion? When you or an adult is present, if you could write to them and also do an entry and leave it somewhere they will see it (maybe J could prompt?) it might help?
Other thing I wondered was whether you had a jigsaw? Or could make or get one? This is probably more ‘out there’, but I was wondering whether having a jigsaw with X numbers of pieces, might be helpful? So like each alter can ‘place’ their piece so when E/you are present, you will know who has been there?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pomegranate
Like assigning each alter a jigsaw piece or similar…. So that not only would you know who had been around, but you would know who to write to and it would also be a way of them marking their presence in a physical way, that doesn’t hurt the body?
Yep, working on communication between all the parts and breaking down the dissociative barriers is a big part of moving forward with DID. I found our journal and have written some prompts inside them to try and get parts talking about how we can support each other and express our needs in a safe way. I will try and leave the journal in a obvious place.
A puzzle is an interesting idea! I'll have a think on that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Greyscale
Hey Luna,
I want to echo the journal suggestion and also I was wondering if you have done any work on internal safety and grounding for parts as well as yourself? That may sound silly but they need safe things too, and sometimes helping them build a sense of safety and skills for being in the moment can be helpful for all of you.
There's also apps that can be used to track what parts are present and any important things, but that does take some level of cooperation to be most effective. It might be worthwhile to see if any level of agreement to use something of that nature could be reached, or at least writing in a shared journal to try to increase communication and trust.
Something else to try might be figuring out additional small ways to increase trust in you/your therapist. If she's convinced of this big problem being real, it will take a lot of trust for her to believe that you/your therapist are right and that what you're saying is real. So increasing trust in general would potentially help. That doesn't even need to be in major ways, it could be something like setting something you know makes her feel safe or happy or at least not evil up for if she becomes present, or asking what she would like (aside from being dead) and figuring out how to incorporate those things.
I'm not sure if any of that is super helpful, but I wanted to reply with things that have been helpful in my own experience.
I'm trying things that could potentially feel safe and are grounding for the other parts. I have a grounding bag but it's a bit of trial and error at the moment. It feels an overwhelming feat at the moment. I'm still learning that parts even exist and getting to know them.
I've been gathering things from around the house this morning that I have bought or made to help the other parts. I'm going to try and keep them all in one place. Annoyingly part of this disorder if having things moved around and lost.
I've tried using some of those apps but it's not really amounted to much. I might try again and see if I have more success.
Your suggestions are really helpful and make a lot of sense. It's given me things to think about!
Thank you all for taking the time to reply and help me think through all the options. Usually I look at these few months and just feel so defeated and I have to say, when I made this thread and even now, a part of me feels overwhelmed and deafeated but I want to try and change things. If not for me but for my son. He is enough for me to try changing these things for. I just hope that I am strong enough.
Let us go then you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, like a patient etherized upon a table
- T.S. Elliot
Hey guys, just posting as I’m feeling really stressed out and overwhelmed.
My son is poorly so he can’t go nursery. Usually I would take the time he goes to nursery to get work done and have space to do other things I can’t do when he’s around. Health stuff makes me super anxious and triggers the voices really badly:
Also, we got a call from my step son’s school this morning and my wife said she got a call from social services on Friday (but the social worker wasn’t allowed to say what the referral was about’
My step son broke up with girlfriend and apparently messaged her or wrote somewhere that he tried to unalive himself (he said a specific way but I won’t write it here because of tip sharing) and that my wife walked in on him, which never happened.
My wife checked his room while on the phone to the school and there was nothing to indicate that he was planning to do the thing he said. Not sure what’s going on but it’s another one to add to a ever growing list of troubling behaviours.
Let us go then you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, like a patient etherized upon a table
- T.S. Elliot
I need help.
I’m trying to be brave
I’m trying to hold my shit together
But life is really a shit show right now and I don’t know how to fucking cope.
I just.. I can’t.. even process what the hell is going on around me
Let us go then you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, like a patient etherized upon a table
- T.S. Elliot
Not good.
The suicidal alter acted out in counselling and now there’s a safeguarding thing and I’m filled with shame
My step son has got hit girlfriend pregnant and the police might be involved.
I’m so overwhelmed
I don’t know what to do
Let us go then you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, like a patient etherized upon a table
- T.S. Elliot
I'm so sorry you're feeling so overwhelmed although considering the circumstances I think it's understandable. I'm low on words but always here to listen <3
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