Things are spiralling

[Luna] · 07-04-2021, 08:29 PM

I am sorry for restarting my thread. Things are getting worse and I feel confused and increasingly hopeless.

I'm trying to find the words.

It's relentless. Horrible intrusive images of the people I love being tortured. The demonic voices telling me I'm evil, I belong in hell and punishment, that I needto do what they say otherwise they'll hurt the people I care about.

My skin in crawling, when I dissociate I think there are spiders under my skin and I've been scratching at myself so covered in sores.
I've been having loads of flashbacks and nightmares at night.

One of the voices (I'll call her T) says she's going to kill us soon. She wants to die and says it's what we need to do. It's hard for me to argue when I don't disagree.
I feel so useless. I don't have anything to offer anyone. I am a burden to the ones I love and I feel like their lives would be easier without me. However, I know how much pain I would cause if I killed myself.

Things have been really hard for a really long time, it feels utterly relentless and I'm just tired. I'm tired...

I don't know what to do anymore.

Harbour · 07-04-2021, 10:39 PM

I’m sorry it’s so very hard.

They were hard for a long time and then you got pregnant with J and you had a better year. Things can change.

Have you managed to talk to anyone about how you’re feeling? J/counsellor?

Unbreakable. · 08-04-2021, 06:18 AM

I wish I had something more useful to say but I wanted to at least remind you that I love you and I am one hundred percent sure the world is a better place with you in it <3

[Luna] · 08-04-2021, 09:36 AM

The last two years have been relentless and I don't know how much more I can take. I'm just existing, there's no living anymore.
Then I think, who brings a beautiful child into this world and then abandons them?
he deserves so much better than me.

It's like I'm waiting around for someone to tell me it's okay, that I can go now. That's not going to happen though.
So I'm trapped. Trapped with the demons, the images, the threats, reliving trauma as though it's happening all over again, people watching me in the streets, the pain, the fear, the screaming - blood, rot, destruction.

I'm lost, I'm tired and I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Unbreakable. · 11-04-2021, 08:28 PM

How are things going today?
It seems like the intensity of your symptoms is constantly high and hard to take.

Zurg · 11-04-2021, 08:46 PM

Oh Luna, your child does NOT deserve someone better, he deserves YOU. And you are just what he needs and what everyone who knows you needs. No matter the darkness and the fear and the hell it brings, trust me when i say that people prefer it as long as you are here. You are enough!!!! Enough of a mum, partner and everything else.

Please hold on!!!! Leaving this world would not make it a better place. I trust that you Will find someone who Will know how to help you. They are out there.

This feeling of the evil being inside you is not true. You are one of the most gentle people on here. Yes, you struggle but that does not taint you with anything bad or remotely evil <3

[Luna] · 12-04-2021, 10:39 AM

Thank you both so, so much for your replies <3

The weekend was really difficult.

I had my check in with my counsellor this morning. I was honest with her. She was really kind and understand. She said she wished she could help me more than she is at the moment. At the end we both admitted that we didn't know what to say.

I don't really know what to do with myself. I feel lost.

Unbreakable. · 13-04-2021, 08:55 PM

I am sorry things are so bleak.

Is there any way in which you could get more intense professional support that would genuinely be helpful?
(I feel I know the answer as the NHS loves its waiting lists!)

Is there anything the people around you could do?
I think it might be worth having a talk with your mum re healthy boundaries versus her throwing all her woe at you when you are having such a difficult time.

Anything we can do to help?

[Luna] · 13-04-2021, 09:06 PM

I'm going to perfectly honest. The NHS services won't touch me. They have ignored urgent referrals from my GP, Home treatment team, my health visitor and Social Services. They kept saying they would attend family meetings when I was under social services and every time nobody showed up.

They have nothing to offer me. The CCG wouldn't even fund my diagnostic assessment with the trauma clinic, despite loads of evidence to say it would be beneficial to access relevant help and save them money in the long run (Less need for HTT/A&E attendance/Hospital admissions etc).
They have given up. That's what it feels like anymore.

Any help I get I have to fund myself. I'm very lucky that my counsellor provides me with a 50 minutes session and 30 minute check in for the price of one session and she has experience with my particular (suspected - still to be confirmed) diagnoses. She's amazing but she has her limitations and I know she is very angry/frustrated with the mental health services, as is everyone else.

I wish I knew what would help. Having a place to vent here is helpful so thank you guys for listening and caring xx

Harbour · 13-04-2021, 09:31 PM

Love you. I want to hit community services over the head for what they’ve done to you. It shouldn’t be this way and it isn’t your fault.

[Luna] · 14-04-2021, 12:34 PM

Love you too. It’s hard not to feel like they view me as a waste of time and not worth helping.

Unbreakable. · 14-04-2021, 02:54 PM

Their incompetence and lack of resources are not a reflection on you as a person, I hope that you know that.

You are caring, witty, smart, creative and a lot of other excellent things and most definitely worthy and deserving of ALL the help in the world.

EyelinerAndCigarettes · 14-04-2021, 05:58 PM

Just wanted to echo what has already been said and send my love <3 You are certainly worth helping.

[Luna] · 15-04-2021, 09:50 AM

You guys are so much lovelier than I could ever deserve.

I made the virtual meet yesterday which was lovely, but then the rest of the evening and night were really hard. I feel exhausted and so low and suicidal. I always feel guilty when the thoughts are strong.

The demons are screeching at me about this being the end and telling me what hell is going to be like.

Auror. · 15-04-2021, 02:43 PM

It was good to talk to you at the meet. Sorry you had a rough night after. :(

I dunno. These demons do not sound trustworthy to me. I do not see any reason why what they are saying is the truth.

[Luna] · 15-04-2021, 06:51 PM

I’m really struggling. My mood is getting lower and lower. I feel so hopeless.
The demons are screeching, showing me images of hell.
I need to get some of the evil out.
I can’t focus. I have no energy or motivation. It just feels dark.

[Luna] · Yesterday, 04:48 PM

I hurt myself because the demons were saying they were take over and make me hang myself. They are telling me to go deeper. They are showing me images of them hurting my little boy.
I don’t know what to do

Unbreakable. · Yesterday, 05:30 PM

Is there someone that you can reach out to in person?

If you are unsafe and alone I think you might have to get yourself to a & e as much as that sucks. Take this one minute at a time. They are lying to you to manipulate you, I am 100% convinced that your son is safe.

[Luna] · Yesterday, 07:27 PM

J is home now. She knows about the self harm and I have told her how unsafe I feel.

A&E would just cause issues and it’s against the rules.
I don’t know what to do myself, I’m struggling to focus and the voices keep interfering with my thoughts.

Unbreakable. · Yesterday, 07:31 PM

Does loud music help or is it more likely going to make it worse?
Or maybe listening to white noise might take the edge of things somewhat?