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Old 19-09-2021, 10:44 AM   #2921
tamobhuuta
 
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How are you? Have you spoken to Duty?

Try writing down everything as you think of it so you're not having to remember it. Then when you do get am appointment make another copy so you and the psych can both see what you want to talk about.


Last edited by tamobhuuta : 19-09-2021 at 10:56 AM. Reason: Add a bit


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Old 19-09-2021, 04:03 PM   #2922
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Thanks for your reply.

I'm really not doing well but it's nothing I need to phone Duty about. I did phone them before and asked when I'm supposed to phone and they said any time they're on and I'm struggling. The outcome of that phone call was just the same as always though. When I get an appointment with my psych it will be over the phone so I can't give him a list of what I want to talk about. I don't know if Duty keep a record of my calls and if he'd read the records but so much has being going on that I won't be able to get through it all. I will be writing something for when I get an appointment anyway. I'm tired of living a struggle.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.


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Old 20-09-2021, 10:18 PM   #2923
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Are the CMHT doing any face to face appointments at the moment? I'm wondering if you'd be able to request that your psych appointment is in person?



We may not see eye to eye, but we can respect each other's opinions and find the truth in them.
Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
we might see each other as imperfect humans, doing our best. ~ Jodi Picoult


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Old 21-09-2021, 05:17 PM   #2924
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I'm not sure. I'll just go with what they decide, it doesn't matter anyway.

I'm feeling very lonely and lacking the ability to do most things. My support worker wants me to go back to the book group for the company but the people were much older me and one man was really loud and I wouldn't like them to suggest to meet up or anything. Plus I don't have a lot of the social skills needed to make friends and I can't keep friends if they want to meet up lots because it's exhausting and makes me anxious and upset.

I don't see anything changing. I need to find a sure method of suicide. My life is just pain that most people can't see. I was never meant to live. I should have died with my twin.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.


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Old 22-09-2021, 09:57 PM   #2925
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It does matter. Though it seems like things feel pretty hopeless right now for you, so I can see why you might feel despondent about the psych appointment. But you matter. And if you feel like you won't be able to get across what you want on the phone then I hope there will be an option to go in person.

Sorry you're feeling lonely and that the book group didn't seem to be the best fit for you. However it sounds like a lot of your reservations are about socialising more generally and I wanted to offer some reassurance. Firstly there's lots of people with slightly unusual social skills who manage to make friends! I think it's sometimes more a case of luck than social skills- whether you happen to stumble upon like-minded people rather than how socially skilled you are. I'm not trying to diminish your struggles but an awful lot of people find it difficult to make friends to some extent. One of my colleagues who is super fun has told me that he struggles to make friends and to me he seems like the most likeable character, who would make friends really easily. (As an aside, haven't plucked up the courage to be like THEN BE FRIENDS WITH ME PLEASE, but I'm working on it :P). I'm not sure what the point I'm making here is, but I guess it's sometimes worth bearing in mind that the people we meet may seem more socially confident and skilled than us but deep down they are also worried about whether we like them and how to make the first move towards being friends.

In terms of keeping friends, I'm confident there's a ton of people out there who would be as happy as you with not meeting up lots! There's lots of friendships that I know of in which for one reason or another the people don't actually see each other very often at all, but they're still great friends.

Lastly (sorry for so much rambling) is there any other social options that you could have a go at, if you think the book club isn't right? I find it helpful to go into these things with low aspirations- aiming to just be around people and maybe make an acquaintance or too. I find it easier to not have that pressure on myself of WE ARE HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS. Then it's a success to just have met some people and over time some friendships might pop up of their own accord :)

I don't pretend to fully understand the pain that you're in, but I do see that things are incredibly difficult for you and I hope that it won't always be that way. I don't think you should have died.



We may not see eye to eye, but we can respect each other's opinions and find the truth in them.
Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
we might see each other as imperfect humans, doing our best. ~ Jodi Picoult


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Old 26-09-2021, 05:23 PM   #2926
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Thank you. I did make friends with most of the people in the previous gym group but we don't keep in touch very often. I just feel vulnerable and anxious around people. I don't go into things with the goal of making friends, just to get through whatever it is I'm doing. I know I feel lonely but I don't actually want to make any more friends right now. I know that might go against something I have previous said. There's just too much I don't feel able to go right now so making friends is way on the back burner.

My eating is a mess, I don't do all of my housework, I'm not getting out much except to get my prescription daily and go to the gym group where I don't do much, I'm getting up later than I want to, I do all I can to avoid people who will want to talk to me.

The men are still extra loud and the police are still following me in their cars and in ambulances. I'm worried that anyone who comes to my door will stick a recording device on the inside of my door when I open it. I don't know why because the men have full access to me all the time. It could be for the police because they can only see me when they pass me. I'm being extra vigilant.

There's a lot to deal with every day. I need a break. But everyone is saying I'm fine because I make it to the gym group even if I don't do anything and because I go for my prescription every day and try to stick to my to do list. I feel heavy in my body and my head. I'm carrying around so much.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.


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Old 26-09-2021, 07:17 PM   #2927
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Oh OK, that makes sense. Sorry to have potentially seemed like I was pressurising you to make friends!

That is an awful lot to be dealing with and it's so frustrating that professionals seem to only be able to see those few tasks that you manage to do and can't appreciate the bigger picture and the amount of distress you are in. I'm afraid my only suggestion is to continue trying to contact duty when you can if you want to access more help.

Could you set some small goals with regards to eating and housework to try to start getting back on track? It may seem like a mammoth effort but hopefully it would be manageable a bit at the time and having a good routine would hopefully be helpful to your wellbeing.



We may not see eye to eye, but we can respect each other's opinions and find the truth in them.
Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
we might see each other as imperfect humans, doing our best. ~ Jodi Picoult


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Old 27-09-2021, 05:23 PM   #2928
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Thanks for your reply. It didn't feel like you were pressurising me to make friends at all.

I don't 'trust' calling Duty any more because they don't hear me and after the effort of making the phone call and talking to someone it doesn't seem worth it. My support worker who I go to the gym group sometimes listens but she just says I've been trying my best at the gym group and coming most weeks. She's also hard to get to talk to because there is another service user with us. She did seem to understand when there were a couple of weeks I couldn't come to the group or didn't get much done because of the men and said I hadn't been that way with her for a long time but she just told me to phone Duty. Now she's just back to telling me I'm doing well. I have to put all my focus on my psych whenever I have an appointment with him. I have written some things I need to say.

I have a to do list every day and it's the same things to do every Monday then the same Tuesday things etc if that makes sense. So I do a bit of housework or wash my hair each day. Weekends seem to have more housework to do but I don't want to change my to do list because I'd get confused and further not do things. With eating I just eat when I feel like it but around meal times if I can. Food just annoys me right now but I am trying to eat regularly. I rarely have all three meals but can get up to 2. I've done ok today though. It's just a bit jumbled.

I'm glad to have the people of RYL supporting me but it makes me wonder what I'm doing wrong IRL where people don't understand what I'm saying yet I'm more understood here.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.


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Old 28-09-2021, 09:38 PM   #2929
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I can understand why you wouldn't trust duty and can completely see why you don't want to call them. I'm glad you've written a list ready for the psych appointment and I really hope that he will be helpful.

Well done for doing OK yesterday! Is there any type of food that might slightly improve your enthusiasm for eating?

I don't think you're doing anything wrong IRL to not be heard. If I were to be generous towards your team I'd say that maybe they're very stretched on time or have really strict instructions on what they can do, but honestly I think they're just a bit crap. This isn't on you, I think you explain things really well.



We may not see eye to eye, but we can respect each other's opinions and find the truth in them.
Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
we might see each other as imperfect humans, doing our best. ~ Jodi Picoult


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Old 01-10-2021, 04:00 PM   #2930
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I mostly just want to eat snacks. There's no food that I am motivated to cook or enjoy. I'm trying to force myself to eat at least 2 meals but the men are saying to eat nothing and not leave the house so I won't be able to get my meds. I'm trying my best to do what I need to do for my human parts but if there is a clear negative thing that happens because of me not doing what I've been told then I'll definitely have to obey the men.

It's just that Duty just keeps telling me I'm doing well because of going to the gym etc and don't see the bigger picture. I'm going to have to really work hard when I talk to the psychiatrist whenever that will be.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.


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Old 01-10-2021, 09:59 PM   #2931
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I'm glad you're fighting what the men say and are making sure you eat. Nothing bad can happen just because you eat, but bad things can happen if you don't, as you'd become very unwell.

That's so frustrating that they don't seem to see that someone can attend a gym group whilst being very ill! I hope the psychiatrist has a little more sense- don't be afraid to be really explicit about how bad it is; most of us have a tendency to play things down sometimes and people can latch on to something little that we say when doing that and then assume everything is fine. Not necessarily saying that you do that or blaming you if you do, just something worth bearing in mind I think.



We may not see eye to eye, but we can respect each other's opinions and find the truth in them.
Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
we might see each other as imperfect humans, doing our best. ~ Jodi Picoult


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Old 02-10-2021, 03:47 PM   #2932
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I don't think I can do this. Any of life. I need someone but there is only Duty and even if I was to give them another chance I don't have any phone bravery right now or the words to describe things. I had another weird episode thing last night. That's the third time now. Where I have a short period of feeling nauseous then my chest feels full of air and my limbs are weak and I'm lightheaded. It feels like I've been operated on. I know the men are continuing to operate on me. I don't know what to say to my psych about anything, I don't even know when my appointment will be anyway. I'm trying to write things as they happen but I need to be able to explain the full picture, why the things that are happening show that I'm struggling.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.


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Old 03-10-2021, 12:25 AM   #2933
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I’m sorry things are still so crappy.

You said you need someone…. What would that someone do? How would you know they have heard you?





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Old 03-10-2021, 12:51 PM   #2934
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I really would like to talk to someone face to face so they can truly see how I am hopefully it would be easier to have a natural discussion, it's too hard over the phone. I can't speak to any of my family. I'd want to talk to a professional so they can think about what I need, I don't know what I need really. My previous CPN was good at knowing what I need. Overall I'd just like some verbal comfort from a professional face to face and for them to see how I am and provide options on what might help. I know it's almost impossible to see someone face to face right now. It's my fault people think I'm coping, because I really struggle to explain it over the phone and sometimes I get so anxious I just agree when they say I'm doing well because I still go to the gym with my support worker.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.


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Old 04-10-2021, 09:56 AM   #2935
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Maybe you could make it your goal to not agree, the next time someone tries to tell you that you're coping? I know that's hard to do though!



We may not see eye to eye, but we can respect each other's opinions and find the truth in them.
Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
we might see each other as imperfect humans, doing our best. ~ Jodi Picoult


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Old 05-10-2021, 04:22 PM   #2936
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Yes, I will try my best to do that.

I've had this horrible atmosphere around me all day today. But like the good well person I am I forced myself to go to the gym with my support worker and the other service user. It's going to just be me and the service user next week. I don't know how I'm going to cope but I can't let her down. Life is just so 'off' at the moment whatever that means. The men are focusing on their experiments on me leaving me feeling worse than usual. I'm just a ball of every painful emotion that exists. I don't think I'm going to get better and with the people who are supposed to be supporting me not seeing how much I'm struggling (no actually, is there even anyone there who are supposed to be supporting me?) there is no way out of this.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.


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Old 07-10-2021, 02:39 PM   #2937
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There's something filling my brain and it's swelling and pushing against my skull. There's not enough room. I don't know what the men are trying to do. Maybe it will come out my ears. I wish someone would help me. I've just had a sharp pain in my right eyeball, what if the pressure pushes it out of my head? I was told to phone Duty any time I'm struggling but I can't do that plus I have a cat on my lap. Duty don't help anyway but they'll maybe tell my psych I haven't phoned for a while which means I'm not struggling.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.


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Old 09-10-2021, 03:56 PM   #2938
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I had another weird episode/operation/experiment feeling last night. I don't know if I should get in touch with a GP but they can't stop the experiments, I just want to know what's changing in my body. I really struggled to get out of bed this morning and have felt low all day. I need to talk to someone but I can't. I'm struggling to do things like housework and eating. I can't cope. I'm not having dinner tonight. Life is difficult to deal with. Professionals keep saying I'm isolated and it's true but it's not easy to change that. I have the men anyway but they're not talking to me right now, just creating noise and doing their experiments. I'm tired of trying to deal with everything. I need a break. I want to die.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.


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Old 09-10-2021, 08:05 PM   #2939
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I've had similar experiences, I suppose we have to have faith that life will change, even though it's sucked so far.



You feed the madness
and it feeds on you.

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Old 11-10-2021, 03:08 PM   #2940
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Thanks.

I don't know what to do with the low feelings I'm having alongside the usual men stuff. It's probably not worth phoning to talk to someone about. I used to phone the informal crisis team because you used to be allowed to phone for anything, even just a chat, and most of the people were helpful but now I don't know many of the staff and they've changed the way they work. I have no phone bravery anyway. I don't know if I should phone Duty about the experiment stuff or just wait until my appointment with my psychiatrist whenever that is. I feel so low. I can't find a solution to anything.

Tomorrow is the gym group. It's not just going to be me and the other service user since they've found someone to cover. We're meeting at 11am because the other service user has to be home for a phone call at her house at 12. I hope I can get up early enough. I hope if things get too much mental illness wise I'll be able to talk to the support worker.

Right now I'm stuck in misery and I'm dreading everything. There's no way out.

I need the strength to kill myself because everything that is going on is way too much to deal with.

Additional: Something has just floated across my brain. I don't feel well with all of these experiments. I don't know if I should fill in the GP surgery form to speak to someone but I'd probably not even get past triage because they're say to talk to the CMHT. They don't know I don't have a CPN. I shouldn't contact anyone because it's in between needing the CMHT and needing medical help. I'm progressively feeling worse both mentally and physically and I don't know how to separate them.


Last edited by one_step_closer : 11-10-2021 at 03:47 PM.




I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.


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