Contains abuse - Just really, really tired

Kleiner Angsthase · 02-07-2024, 09:00 PM

Sorry I've not been about very much the last few years, and am now just reappearing to have a whinge, but I don't really know where else to go.

I left my ex-partner nearly 10 years ago, as basically the abuse escalated to a point where I couldn't pretend it was fine any more, and after some patches of pretty intimidating contact in 2014-2016, I have had no direct contact from him since summer 2016 (at which point he found out about my now-husband and I, kept me up until 4am on a tirade about how I'd ruined his life and then said he couldn't speak to me any more as I'm so toxic...)

Unfortunately, my husband (T) sometimes attends the same conventions that my ex happens to be at and so since 2016 my ex has made spurious allegations of stalking or harassment at every single event T's attended. Usually it just leads to T getting a warning from security, but in May T was kicked out of a convention based on one of these claims, and is facing a lifetime ban for stalking he hasn't done. There's also rumours of 'police input', though I don't know what that actually means.

T's arguing the case with the con security team, but on a selfish note, I just... I'm tired. I thought all this could be history at some point, and instead it's just seemingly endless. There's no win-state. I don't get to feel safe. I've moved house, and I still worry about my ex tracking me down. I was scared about the public intent to marry notice for my wedding, in case my ex found out and kicked off. I feel like I always need to be on guard, and now T's having to do similar risk assessments for stuff that shouldn't need it. It's not fair. I don't know why I am the bad guy. I don't know why T is the bad guy. I don't know how this can still be happening, eight years after last contact, ten years after leaving. And that throughout all this my ex has maintained that he really is the victim in all this, because I had the audacity to leave.

I sort of regret not having made a police report at the time, but equally I doubt it would've done any good, and probably would just make things a lot worse. And at this point, technically nothing has been said or done to me directly, but every time something happens to T I just get that crushing terror for days and days on end all over again. And I'm at a loss for what to do any more.

Sorry, don't really know what I want from this thread, maybe just sympathetic noises and pictures of animals? Hope that's okay :S

Elmer · 02-07-2024, 11:23 PM

*sends sympathetic noises*
I'm sorry you're going through this, you don't deserve it and I can't imagine how it must all feel <3
I hope that things get cleared up for T with the convention people. It just all sounds so unfair.
I wish I could help. I've read and I care.

Pi.R^2 · 07-07-2024, 10:43 PM

You're not the bad guy, your ex is. And I guess he's beyond livid that he couldn't keep controlling you and that instead of coming back to him you've realised how much better off you are away from him and are cracking on with your life. It's pathetic that he's still desperately trying to have some level of influence over your life.

Here is a cute quokka:

Kleiner Angsthase · 09-07-2024, 05:45 PM

Sorry for slow reply :s but thank you lovely humans <3

Lio - HI LIO! <3 T has sent the convention people a massive email with his whereabouts for the whole time he was there, with witnesses and data from his credit card company to back it up, so hopefully they will take that seriously and will respond at some point to sort this all out. But thank you for reading and sympathetic noises <3

Jenna - I genuinely don't know that my ex has that sort of meta-awareness about his own behaviour? :s It feels like the narrative about abuse online is that the person doing it is being controlling on purpose, or on some level knows that what they're doing is harmful, but as far as I've ever been able to tell, he felt 100% justified in all of his actions, doesn't appreciate he did anything harmful (or, perhaps, that I was even a person and could be harmed) and that he does legitimately believe himself to be the victim in all of this. I don't think that makes this vendetta or whatever okay, more that it's just hard to relate to the idea of him trying to control me or influence my life when it feels more like I'm just collateral damage to a much more self-centred campaign. If that makes sense?

Things are feeling a bit better this week. I spent several days looking up the law, in case making a police report would do anything, but I couldn't really make sense of any of it, and I don't want him to get in trouble I just want my family to be left in peace. More just a revenge fantasy than anything I'd realistically do. Not really managing to sleep enough the past few days, and I'm not really sure why as the anxiety seems less intense now. I don't know when T will get a reply on the con stuff. I hope soon so that bit can all go away.

I am really frustrated about my ex being believed on made-up allegations when I had years of no one taking me seriously. Professionals seem to be much more trauma-aware in the past few years, and I know that is good but sometimes that also feels like a kick in the teeth because none of them cared ten years ago and it isn't fair. Maybe it is childish but nothing about all this feels fair and there seems to be no justice and the world seems stupid and mean.