I think challenging yourself not to hide can be good, but there's also a balance between taking the time if you really need it and pushing yourself too hard and hitting breaking point. If things are that intense, it's absolutely okay to take a break and hide if you need.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
Thanks Camden, that does make sense. I had another day in the house today but I didn’t spend all of it in bed, just some of it.
I need to go to Asda tonight and weigh Soot so I can get him flea treatment. We’re switching him from an indoor cat to letting him out sometimes because if we don’t, he goes ansolutely mental all day. I don’t want to go to Asdas, but I promised I would. Also have to try and get at least some work done, although that might be a tall order.
I just want everything to stop. I’m seeing the paych on the 22nd but I’m struggling to hold on that long, I know logically I already have waited nearly a month and a few extra days doesn’t seem that long but I really am at breaking point. I just want to die, and its getting worse because I’m starting to think about ways I could do it.
I wish I knew good words. I think staying inside the house but out of bed is a really good compromise. Is there anyone you can go to for support between now and the 22nd to tell about how things are?
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
There are a few places I could phone but phone doesn't feel super safe atm. I guess that means I'm ok really because if I wasn't I would phone? Unsure.
I bought some stuff in Asda to cheer myself up, so I have a new book to read and I bought a new duvet set. I also bought new pjs that have the cookie monster on them and a reed diffuser for my room, so now my room smells nice. I also tidied it
I don't really know what to do today. I could go to the library,
I don't think your first part is necessarily logical. If phone doesn't feel super safe, are there any other options if you need them? Or do you want to talk about why the phone doesn't feel safe and maybe we can help brainstorm ideas to help make it feel safer?
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
Hasn't ever felt safe I suppose. I don't tend to answer my phone unless its V thats phoning me, everyone else knows to text me or they won't get an answer lol. Its been a problem recently because there have been people trying to get a hold of me, but too bad. The phone hurts my ears, I can never hear properly because of all the background noise and people get frustrated at me if I can't talk. I get talking on the phone is kind of the point, but I don't know why people can't just text me.
Talking on the phone can be so tricky, sorry that it's causing problems with the people trying to get a hold of you. Are most people involved in supporting you aware of your difficulty with answering/talking on the phone?
Yeah, it's down in my medical records that I won't always answer the phone because of my autism. I can answer it if its a prearranged appointment, like for the psych on the 22nd, but otherwise it causes stress. I get so anxious when it's not a pre arranged call that it's just not worth answering, on the premise that if it was important they'd leave a voicemail or text me. A few people have done that recently, but I have to be in the space to answer voicemails.
It'd just be a whole lot easier if I was just dead. No phone anxiety, no issues with college, nothing. Of course, if I'm dead I won't be able to teach, which is basically all that's keeping me going atm. Also, the heat is not helping. I HATE the heat, everyone is outside being noisy and it creates a lot of anxiety for me. I tend to stay indoors but that causes problems too.
Last edited by The Worst Witch : 17-07-2021 at 04:57 PM.
My chinchillas can relate to your distress about the heat!
In terms of dying, maybe right now being dead feels like a better/safer option than dealing with college and stuff, but that also rules out the long term improvements to this situation when being dead won't feel like the better option. In a few days it won't be quite as hot, in a few months college will be sorted and in a few years there's no limit to how much better life could be, but you have to be here to enjoy that.
You still haven't sent me jpgs of your chinchillas! If you send me some jps of chinchillas, I'll send you jpgs of my cats :D
That is true. I'm trying to focus on one thing at a time but its proving difficult. I think it was easy for me to say that things aren't improving because day to day life is the same as it was when this all started, but actually looking back at this thread I can see things have improved a little bit. I'm making progress with assessments, I'm sleeping much better than I was (although nightmares are still a thing) and I've started to do things in my routine again. Brushing my teeth and eating etc aren't really issues anymore, and I'm remembering to take my meds (although I still think they might need upped). I alos haven't hurt myself for like a week, which atm is a big thing because after my 'blip' in getting to 14 years free, I was doing it multiple times a day.
Current goal is to stop spending so much time in my bed, as it makes me feel worse unless I'm actually going to sleep. I managed to stop hiding/having naps during the day for a month or so about 2 months ago, but it proved really difficult. I don't know why my automatic reaction when I feel crap is to go to my bed, but it makes things so much harder in the long run.
Can you compromise? Do you have a couch or comfy chair where you can sit with a blanket for an hour or two with the lights turned off if you feel like you need to go to bed instead?
Super well done on the progress, that's amazing!
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
Yeah, I have a chair that my mum did up for me when I was little and I still have it - its gone through many transformations and paint jobs, but its still in perfect condition. I could use that to sit on, and it might remind me of mum at the same time.
I got up and came to the library today, go me! I'm working on my play project this morning and then I'll do some of my graded unit I think. I'm so proud of myself haha
I'm getting anxious about my psych appointment on Friday. I'm really worried that they'll just dismiss me because of my autism, they already did once because they apparently don't have any services that will help autistic people. There is something else going on though, whether that be a personality disorder or trauma or whatever, I can't just feel like this just because I'm autistic. I have a lot of behavioural symptoms (like getting defensive when criticised) and not having empathy/feeling sorry for the bad things I do, which is why a therapist (not mine) suggested I had anti-social personality disorder. I don't think I do, because that consists of actually liking causing harm to people and being dangerous and stuff and I don't think I could ever physically hurt someone else. I mean yeah, I've been nasty to people and emotionally abusive, but that does not make me a sociopath. I'm really scared though.
Good luck with your psych appointment. Is anyone going with you? If not, can you prepare what you want to say to help you advocate for yourself?
I'm no psychiatrist but anti-social personality disorder seems a somewhat extreme reaction by your therapist to what you've described! I'm being wary about trying to 'diagnose' on here because obviously we can't but that really doesn't seem right to me.
It doesn’t seem right to me either, I’m not paying any attention to her opinion until the psychiatrist speaks to me. Although I don’t tend to feel empathy or remorse for what I do wrong, that is more likely to be an autism thing rather than anything else, especially since thats the only behaviour I display. Sociopaths and psychopaths are dangerous, and I’m not. I may be abusive sometimes, I mean V and I have some explosive arguments where I can get very nasty and defensive but I wouldn’t be able to feel the connection to kids that I do if I was sociopathic. Then it was suggested to me ‘well you still could be if you wanted to hurt children and were a pedophile’ at which point I just switched off and stopped listening. I’ll talk to the psychiatrist about peoples concerns and get their opinion before worrying about an opinion derived from other peoples descriptions of my behavour. Its unethical of her to give an opinion without seeing me anyway, no matter how furnished she is with qualifications.
Its a telephone appointment but I may still write things down, thats a good idea. I’ve been emailing stuff to people before I see them, but obviously I can’t do that with the psychiatrist. Theres so much thats happened in the last month and a bit though that I’m worried there won’t be time to discuss it all, and I don’t even know where to start. This abusive behaviour has only really started manifesting itself in the last 4 years or so, before that nobody would have called my behaviour abusive. I’m kind of just coming to terms with the fact that it probably is, because there are charities and stuff involved that tell people to stay away from me but I have a feeling they’re only hearing one side of the story. I’m terrified that this will get out of hand and I won’t ever be able to work with kids, I mean my tutors and everyone say I’m so suited to the job and stuff and its only really this therapist that thinks I’m not.
Then theres the stuff with the trauma. I wrote about it in detail in my ‘letters to mum’ ranting thread under a hide box so I won’t go into detail here, but its really confusing me. I know that what happened happened, I’m just finding it hard to define it as rape and sexual assault. For years I thought it was consensual with both people, because I didn’t actually say no, it just kind of happened. Its confusing because I was in a relationship with both people who hurt me, so the first person (M) was definitely sexual assault but my teachers at the time told me it wasn’t. My mum didn’t believe me and called it a pack of lies and that I was looking for attention, but I wasn’t. He actually hurt me. I can’t remember much of what happened after that, I think I just said it was lies so people would leave me alone. M did leave school for a wee while but he was brought back, then told everyone I’d let him touch me and then I was a slut. I’d forgotten all this happened until about a month and a bit ago and thats what I’m having nightmares about, I don’t even know if how I’m remembering it is accurate.
I’m confused about my mum too. I mean, she’s dead so I can’t talk to her about why she didn’t believe me as a 15 year old who needed her protection from bad people, and she didn’t protect me. That fact is messing with all the memories I have of her, because after I left school and stuff our relationship improved dramatically, especially during the time where I was going through my first break up where I lived with the person. She was always my champion when it came to autism stuff, she always had my back except in this situation. Why? Why didn’t she believe me? Why didn’t she protect me from him? My whole workd has imploded because of this realisation and I can’t talk to her about it.
Last edited by The Worst Witch : 22-07-2021 at 02:49 PM.
I just wanted to say I’m so sorry about the abuse you experienced, it sounds like such a lonely and confusing experience and I’m so sorry your mum can’t answer the questions you have. I have no other words, I'm sorry.
Secondly, with regards to being abusive/sociopathic, I think everyone has at some point in their lives done things that could be regarded as abusive. We’re human, we’re flawed, we do and say terrible things sometimes. I am coming to terms with what I’ve put certain people in my life through and also coming to terms with the fact that people in the past who have put me through hell, sometimes for sustained amounts of time, didn’t want to hurt me. They were poorly and their needs came first to them so they got them met in whatever ways they knew how. Doesn’t mean what they did or what I did was right, but we were all surviving. I don’t talk to most of them now but that’s for the good of everyone’s mental health. What I’m trying to say is that none of us are bad or incapable of feeling connection or remorse. We’re just screwed up people in a screwed up world and what that therapist said, without ever meeting you, was way out of line. One day you will be living out the dream of working with kids because from the sounds of it you are passionate about it and good at it.
I think writing stuff down is a good idea, if you’re anything like me it’s easy to end up tongue tied in the moment!
Please keep pushing for the help you deserve.
Last edited by Elmer : 22-07-2021 at 09:24 PM.
'It's an impossible choice ... I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.'
"You're not scared of climbing mountains. You're scared that you can't make them move."
I've always been told that legit bad humans don't worry about the fact that they might be bad and don't find it upsetting. So the fact that it is a thing you are worried about shows that you are by default not a bad human.
I wish I had better words but thinking of you for tomorrow. If there's a lot you want to try to talk about is it worth trying to group things together somehow so you can at least just explain the biggest categories even if you cannot go into all the little things?
That sounds like so much and all does sound confusing so no wonder things are a bit of a mess.
Also hope you can plan time in your schedule to hide after your appointment if needed.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
Yeah, she kind of dismissed the whole sociopath thing. I was right, she basically said that it was unethical for therapists to suggest diagnoses without thorough assessment procedures etc, and while she might be qualified to make such diagnoses, it would normally be a psychiatrist that would diagnose these.
I spoke to a cpn, not a psychiatrist so now I'm feeling a bit let down. She's referring me to a short course of DBT for 8 weeks and then discharging me, didn't even mention trauma counselling or anything. If I want that I've to go to the service that diagnosed me with autism, that has already said can't help me so that was fun.
I really don't know why I bother. I think she basically dismissed me because I said I was a student, so its an attitude of 'oh well things can't be that bad if you're studying'. I'm wondering if it might just be easier to refer myself to the private sector and pay for treatment.
Sounds like a mixed bag then! I'm glad that she's put your mind at rest about the sociopath thing and that you've at least been referred for some help. Do you know what kind of professionals run the DBT course? I wonder if they would be able to signpost you to follow-up support after that- if they think trauma work is what's needed maybe they could help you convince the other service that having autism doesn't mean you don't need their help.
And yes, I fear that in most cases, if you can afford it then private treatment will be quicker and more appropriate to your needs. Which is a shame, but such is life!