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Old 10-10-2020, 06:05 PM   #2561
one_step_closer
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Why can't disappearing completely be a thing? I don't know if the other CPN will be able to phone me on Monday and I don't know if she'll hear me because it's usually only my own CPN who does and sometimes she doesn't either.

And I'm very worried about my brother too.

Everything gets worse day by day.

I do feel like I'm being tortured. I need to find a way out because I can't deal with anything.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 10-10-2020, 06:17 PM   #2562
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Feeling like you're being tortured is a horrible way to feel, I'm so sorry. I wish things were better for you, but I hope that whichever CPN who calls you is compassionate and kind.

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Old 11-10-2020, 03:27 PM   #2563
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Thank you. I don't deserve any professional help. Right now my bother is trying to process childhood trauma, alone. And I will be part of that trauma. I wish someone would help him. He needs to reach out to someone but he's not that kind of person. I'm scared that he's just like me. I'm scared of what professional support will bring up for him.

He doesn't need another trauma but I want to die, I want to get it right for a change.


Last edited by one_step_closer : 11-10-2020 at 03:46 PM.




I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 14-10-2020, 04:13 PM   #2564
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There's no way to escape pain other than suicide. I've tried so many things but things just get harder. And now one of my worse nightmares has come true, the brother is suffering over childhood stuff. Finally he has phoned his GP and someone if phoning him tomorrow. The start of his mental hell journey if he even gets what he needs or has to wait forever. I always said I'd have to kill myself when his issues are causing him so much pain he has to seek help. Because I can't deal with his pain. I am selfish. I'm holding off on the suicide thing for now anyway. I'll never get it right. So what do I do? I need someone to save my brother and then he has a good life and is happy.

How do I deal with the pain of someone close to me? What can I do for him?

(What can I do for me?)

I want to die.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 15-10-2020, 12:55 AM   #2565
not_so_insig
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Low on words but I don't think you're being selfish. I am sorry to hear that the both of you aren't well. Sometimes we can't cope with seeing family members being unwell that means you are human. Sadly pain and suffering is part of human life.



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"He who is tired of Weird Al is tired of life." - Homer Simpson
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Sanity is a nasty disease. The world would be a happier place without it. - Rilic
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Old 15-10-2020, 11:55 AM   #2566
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Thanks Dawn. I tend to feel my pain and others pain in a heightened way than most people. (My previous psychologist said he would bet his house on it). So it's unbearable. I'm just glad my brother doesn't live with me. I hope his phone call goes well today and he gets what he needs.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 17-10-2020, 06:37 PM   #2567
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I'm really low today, can't focus on much although I did manage the housework. I need my CPN. She must be really, really unwell. Maybe she won't get through this. The other CPN who is phoning me has changed the time she's going to phone me again. I have nothing to hold on to. I wish I could self harm the way I used to.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 20-10-2020, 05:07 PM   #2568
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There must be an easy way out. I'm very suicidal because there is no hope and I am trapped otherwise. I don't know how to self soothe, nothing works for me. I can't stand this emotional agony for much longer and I can't kill myself to make I stop. No one understands the pain of being suicidal and fighting through life. They all just think I'm ok because I'm not doing many risky things. Not that anyone listens to me regularly enough, or I can't find the words to explain things. I'm alone.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 20-10-2020, 05:18 PM   #2569
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It doesn't seem fair that you're left alone to deal with so much. I don't think you're a hopeless case, I don't think you're being offered the support you need. I know it probably doesn't help much me saying that, because really it's up to services to do a proper assessment and they don't appear to be forthcoming. So I guess I just want to reiterate that you matter, your needs and feelings matter very much.

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Old 21-10-2020, 11:52 AM   #2570
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Thanks for your reply.

It's my fault because I can't clearly explain what's going on, and especially the emotional pain. Plus I don't self harm much so they think I'm fine and not in need of any more support that I'm getting. The CMHT is really stretched just now anyway. I can't talk to my support worker because she's there for practical stuff. I tried phoning the informal crisis team but someone answered who scares me and I hung up. I want an easy way to die because this is all too much. I'm terrified that someone is going to tell me my CPN has died. I'm guessing she's got COVID again and a more serious type this time. She's already got health problems that put her at risk.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old Today, 01:02 PM   #2571
one_step_closer
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Yesterday the men clearly said 'you should end your life.' But I feel like my life has already ended. I can't go forward, every step is agony and terrifying. I wish the men would tell me how to kill myself, I'm on board with this but without direction I will end up with more botched attempts. I have a telephone appointment with the CPN who is standing in for my own CPN on Wednesday. There is no point telling her this because I'm not likely to get suicide right and the men are mostly quiet. That means Lindsay = fine. I can do my shopping I can go on the bus = fine. Not phoning the crisis team = fine. There's nothing to say.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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