Reviews Requested- Contains upsetting material - Jigsaw - my story

[lozza]

First o/d

I remember staring out of the back of the ambulance as we drove off whilst my fellow netball team mates watched on in disbelief. I was shaking. I felt lightheaded and sick. As I lay back down on the stretcher I closed my eyes, wishing that this was all just a bad dream.

That day at school I was numb and withdrawn. I couldn’t concentrate on my class work (I was in year 11) and my mind was racing. There was constant screaming and shouting in my head. I felt more alone than I ever had before and more than anything else I just wanted my head to shut the hell up and to leave me alone.

Teachers were concerned. Friends wouldn’t leave my side. But still no one understood or really ‘got’ things. I was barely able to get what was going on myself! But I did try talking that day. I tried to reach out for help but no one listened and once again, as if on impulse, the screaming and shouting in my head escalated even more. I was close to tears. I just needed a break.

No one really gets suicide. I don’t think anyone really could unless they have been there themselves. It’s horrible though, so much so that I would not even wish it upon my worst enemy!

You feel all alone; scared. There is this numbing feeling that takes over everything and you feel overwhelmed with emptiness and sadness. You struggle to move and talk. You try to scream out to anyone that will listen, but no one hears you. You’re stuck and you can’t do a thing. And your head – oh my God! What happens in your head is the worst; so many thoughts and worries. Thoughts telling you that you will NEVER be good enough or amount to anything, that you will always fail and the happiness that you once felt in your life – it’s gone and will never return. The constant screaming “fat, ugly, stupid, pathetic, bad” the words that you try not to believe but what the hell, they are all you ever hear and like what people say “if you listen to something long enough it eventually will come true!”

I remember a friend promising me that day that we would talk at some stage. But that ‘some stage’ never happened. Actually, every time I asked to speak to my friend I was told
“Yes we will next class, I promise. Just focus on your work now, OK?”
Every class I went to that day, even recess and lunchtime, I felt alone and scared and overwhelmed with defeat. I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t want to be feeling like I was anymore. And talking and reaching out for help – Yep, I tried that! But nothing helped and I didn’t know what else to do. I just wanted someone to tell me that it was OK, that I didn’t have to keep living anymore. That even though suicide is never the answer, that it was OK if I killed myself because I had tried to fight my depression, anxiety and eating disorder for long enough. And I was at the stage where I couldn’t fight it for a minute longer.

The unthinkable, my first attempted suicide, happened on a Monday night at netball training. I got to training first and tried so hard to stay distracted and busy until the others arrived. I felt like I wasn’t even in my own body though. I was numb. Empty. I wasn’t scared like I probably should have been, I was somehow excited instead. My head was suddenly quiet and at peace. I felt heavy but yet so light. I swallowed all those pills in hope that I would fall asleep and never wake up. I took them in hope that I could disappear and never have to feel again. I tried to kill myself because life was too much for me and I just wanted it to stop.

One thing I have learnt is that every suicide can be prevented. All you need to do is ask someone, and I mean really ask someone if they are OK, or if they want to talk. Maybe if that friend had given me that time then I wouldn’t have ended up in hospital that night with my parents by my side after trying to kill myself.

This is my story.

[lozza]

Self-harm

One. Two. Three. Four. Five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five.

Just keep counting. Keep your breathing steady and just keep counting.

I felt my breath quicken as a silent scream left my mouth. There was this sharp pain; a very sharp, stinging pain. As I looked down all I could see was dark red blood escaping from my leg. I quickly dropped the blade onto the floor and grabbed a handful of tissues ready to apply pressure to my wound.

I felt free and at peace. I could breathe again.

Knock, knock.

“Yes Mum?”

“Lauren, are you ok?”

“Yeah, I’m fine! Just doing my homework, I’ll come out soon...”

I leant back against my bedroom door and removed the tissues. There was blood everywhere and I could see this bubbly fatty substance pop out of my wound. I bandaged my wound and put all my tools away, carefully making sure that no blood could be seen on me or my floor. I then stood up, concentrating hard on my breathing and left my bedroom. With a smile upon my face I walked out into the lounge room to join my family. Nothing had just happened and I was ‘fine!’ There was nothing that anybody had to worry about.

Self-harming happened on a regular basis. Why it happened, how I could hurt myself; I am not sure. I couldn’t stop hurting myself though. When I felt numb, alone, hurt... my blade was there for me. It was my friend. A friend that would never hurt me or betray my trust; my blade was there for me always and as hard as it may be to recognise or see... it kept me safe and alive.

***

I have a friend
She is silver and she shines
She helps me to live, helps me to feel
My friend is silver and she shines

I have a friend
A friend who never leaves
She stands by my side, no matter what
My friend is silver and she shines

I have a friend
A friend who never gets angry or mad
If I am upset, triggered, or feel bad
She allows me to use her... she is silver and she shines

I have a friend
A friend who accepts me just as I am
She does not mind I am different, that I am broken or so scared
My friend is silver and she shines

But my friend is a monster
She creeps into my head and convinces me that she has all the answers...
She tells me to use her, that she will help bring me relief
My friend is silver and she shines

I really don’t like this friend I have made though
She has pushed so many of my REAL friends away
But she won’t give up, she refuses to leave me
My friend is silver and she shines

But if you look at her closely
You will see that after some time she does not shine so much...
She is covered in hatred, covered up in so much pain
My friend is seen as silver but she does not really shine

But my friend is so strong
She always gets into my head when I am feeling so weak
My friend tells me she is silver and that she also shines
But I can now see through this, I can see the person she really is!

But still my friend sticks around
She tells me she will never fully leave
I think that I need her right now, this friend I so desperately hate
My friend is my razor blade, she is silver and she shines

[crazykat]

This is really good hun, thanks for sharing

[lozza]

The past is the past, the future is the future

So much has changed, has happened. Change of teams. There has been numerous changes of teams over the many years actually. Some good. Some bad. Some just plain dumb and stupid, they just did not have a clue about anything!

KHL time has come and gone. I aged out of the service you see. The one bad thing about getting old and growing into an adult, are that all those great services you once received, were eligible for and could access - all gone, as if once you turned a certain age all of your problems just disappeared and you were OK, just fine!

Of course this is never the story though. We still struggle. We still hurt. We still want to to kill ourselves at times. And more often than not we learn to just shut up and keep our pain to ourselves because why bother talking when no one is there or really gets us, when we age out of all the good services out there and we have no one else to lean on when it really matters most.

This is how people fall through the gaps. Why so many people struggle on and at times are lost to suicide. I guess I was lucky in that aspect though because even though my support team changed over and over again, I finally found one that works for me, one I can depend on, one I finally feel safe with and feel comfortable enough to share my deepest and darkest secrets with..

And am I scared when I do this, open up my mouth and talk when needed - hell yes! But I have learnt that even as an adult it is still OK not to be OK. It's OK to reach out to others for support, and to put your hand up when things are just crap and you need some extra help and guidance on where to go from here. And above all else, it's OK to cry and still have your bad days, as it's these days that make you human and in the end make you stronger on the inside.. where it really counts!

[lozza]

It is so hard for me to reflect on my past life, because as the title suggests 'jigsaw' my life is a jigsaw and I am just trying to piece everything back together again and make sense of it all.

Will this be my last entry to this story of mine, probably not.. But I have a voice now, I have something to say and even if people don't listen or know what to say to me - this is OK! Because as long as I am still writing I am talking, and whilst I am still talking maybe someone is reading this and hearing what I have to say - that no matter what life has thrown at you.. it doesn't mean things won't get better because they will! It just takes time and a hell of a lot of hard work.

But if I can do it then so can you! I believe in you guys and we have the power.. no matter how our lives may seem to be right now, things can get better, we just have to keep trying when things knock us back down!

"Fall down 7 times, stand up 8"

[lozza]

past abuse **may be triggering**

I had a really bad nightmare the other night. I was made to go up and travel with family to see 'him' as an adult, as I am today. I fought against going. I told my parents I had other things I must do at home instead. But still I was forced to go.

He came up to me numerous times and asked me to hug him, for me to kiss him. He asked me of other things too but I just told him "No, go away".

In this dream my parents were horrified of my response to him and said that I could have handled things 'better' be more specific - if that was even possible at all? They said "Lauren grow up, he won't hurt you, you are a liar and made it all up! Your Nana said so herself.."

But no I didn't, I swear I didn't, why won't anyone believe me but myself?!

***

I remember that first night in hospital. That night I tried killing myself. I told the nurses no, I don't want to see my parents, but she let them in anyway.. my parents, they seemed to believe me and cut all contact between us, they then travelled up to see them and 'had it out' and all was quiet or so it seemed..

I was always scared of telling the truth, of ripping my Dad away from his own family. That's why I wanted to die so badly, if I was dead then he wouldn't have had to know and things would have continued to go on perfectly.

***

This dream I dreamt the other night was so horrible I cannot go into details. But it left me feeling so scared and all alone, because no one was there for me when they should have been! I had my cat's on me even when I woke up sweating from that horrid dream but even they weren't any comfort to me at all.

Since my first attempted suicide, my parents are back in contact with 'them' it's like nothing happened, that I made it all up and that nothing ever happened. This saddens me greatly, how can they choose them over me? It's like I don't even matter and that all that I endured from him was nothing at all but normal??

Sometimes like the other night I still wish to die. To O/D or SH too badly and just bleed out and just be nothing, no one once more.

I use to write poetry all the time, like numerous times each day. Now, not so much, I feel I have nothing positive to say at times. And especially as all my past friends have left me. Leaving me feeling more alone than ever.

In this sad, pathetic world that is my life.

[lozza]

Christmas Day (links to past abuse)

Christmas Day 2022 - epic failure.

It's so hard when you try to cut all contact with past abusers only to then have it all thrown back in your face.. and especially when it's meant to be a really good, happy, family day.

Present time, and it was all going so well, until you see that hand writing that is from your once upon a time 'Nana' and you see how many presents 'they' have given to everyone.

Yes, it was my decision to cut all contact, yes, it was my decision to no longer have 'them' apart of my life, but come on.. why throw it back in my face and especially on Christmas Day??

Did the above mean to hurt me - probably not

But all the same, I felt excluded and like I was not part of my family at all.

I wanted to leave after presents were given but I sucked it up, put a smile on my face and tried to carry on. But then my niece arrived and we did presents with her and to see her face light up at what 'they' had given her was way too much for me to handle. It took me back to when I was her age, getting gifts from 'them' thinking that how I was treated by 'them' was normal, that it was OK - but it wasn't OK, it was abuse, 'he' abused and hurt me.

And it hurts. It really, really hurts.

I'm not OK. I'm not OK and so I am home alone now drinking because sometimes that is all you can do - hide away and drink away your sorrows just praying that you can forget about what was 'meant' to be a good, or at least an OK day..

And how you may ask is this is a part of my story - because it's true of me, it's true of what I have been through and experienced and it speaks the truth. The truth of how nobody believed me, how they carried on like nothing happened, how 'they' so easily allowed me to cut contact with 'them' without even fighting for me to stay, to be apart of a family, a family I no longer seem to have..

[lozza]

'Birkett' *abuse warning*

Back in high school, something happened. A party. Alcohol. A guy I thought I trusted - need I say more?

After that weekend I broke up with him. I confided in some close friends too who promised they would stick by me.. lies.. all lies..

He was in 'our' friendship group. So each time he was around I left. Just walked around the uni, around the school. Sometimes I locked myself in the toilet and just cried, other times I self-harmed. I had no one. I told my friends but they chose him over me every time. I was. Alone.

In high school (yrs 11 and 12) my eating disorder was really bad. Worse than in previous years of high school. So I turned to my 'online friends' the ones from overseas.. I had 3, one of which I called on a regular basis and one that I was constantly emailing. In high school when 'Birkett' was around I hid in the library sometimes and just emailed back and forth, back and forth. I would post on the online support forum I was a part of back in my high school years too, the one that my parents blocked on the computer back home because they thought that 'they' were the ones that caused all the trouble that was making me so sick. The online support forum was saving me though, at least I had someone who listened, made friends, had someone in my corner.. finally someone who was there for me when my own friends couldn't or just chose not to be.

I use to call a helpline too who I shall keep confidential even though I am pretty sure they no longer provide the service that also helped me so much. I would call the night before, left a message and they would always call me back when I told them too - during my lunch hour at school - they also helped me to feel less alone and like I 'mattered'.

Birkett hurt me. And even though I tried afterwards to have 'boyfriends' I just couldn't let myself go and be 'in the moment' with them. I tried, I did. But I was scared of history repeating itself. I was scared of being abused again.

I still don't have a 'relationship' with anyone. I can't, how can I trust anyone after what happened and after what Dad's dad did to me? How can I ever trust my own judgement over any guy ever again?

So I am solitary instead. Solitary with my cats. And I am scared because my parents would always force guys upon me, make me see them, go out with them, I think they just wanted me to be normal but I wasn't. I'm still not.

And I fear I never will be 'normal' that I will never be able to be in a relationship with anyone. Like I want. Like everyone is.

Instead. Instead I am just alone.. always.. just alone.

[lozza]

Smart on paper - not on life?

For a few years now I have been studying different online courses relating to and around animals.

People giving me complements has always been hard for me, but I am only just now, like today, am able to feel proud of my accomplishments in my studies and all of the positive feedback I have been receiving.

So how can I write so clearly and with so much passion in my assignments and be OK with awesome feedback when I feel like I am failing so much in my own life? But am I really failing in my life - others would disagree - but it's still so hard to see it from others points of view you know? To hear their praise and how proud they are of me.

So am I just smart on paper, or in real life, day to day stuff too? I don't know!

***

Sometimes I guess you have to be smart on paper first before you can start being smart in real life. Or is real life on paper, and you are just really smart to begin with?

I just really don't know!

[lozza]

Feeling suicidal once more

So here I am once more, struggling to find my feet, to find my way. The trigger this time, I do not know. The wanting to fight for life - not really there. But here I am doing as I am told, taking PRN meds after PRN that keeps me sedated and I sleep. A wasted day, full of sleeping. I don't want to sleep anymore though, there is only so much sleep one can do in one day. But here I still am, doing what I am told, just trying, always trying to just survive.

***

side note.

I am safe. I will be OK. Life right now is just so exhausting and just feels so bad. But I am safe and here I still am.

[lozza]

Here we are again.

I wish so much that I could say that I have stopped relying on alcohol when things get bad but I haven't been able too. When something triggers me so bad, drinking is the only thing that makes sense.

I do try not too but when it feels like everything else is failing in your life who would you choose? To try and go on, struggle through, or choose an easy and quick escape and drink. I choose drinking right now.

I feel like I have failed myself in some way. Maybe because I am meant to be stronger. Maybe because I am mean to be 'over' all of these bad coping strategies.

But the truth.

You just have to do what you feel is right at the time. What you feel like you have to do to make it through to the next hour, the next day in life.

Do I feel bad in drinking. Yes. Can I stop. Not right now.

I feel hurt. Broken. Torn apart inside.

I want to be OK I do. But I drink the pain away right now because is easier than face it and breaking down in tears just thinking about what triggered you this time around.