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Old 14-03-2021, 09:10 PM   #1
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Contains sexual abuse - My mum disclosing abuse to me

So this is kind of a weird situation. Usually when people think of disclosing abuse they think of a child telling a parent not the other way around.

Just for some context. About 11 years ago i told my mum i was sexually abuse by my father, and my mum believed and supported me. So it really makes sense why she would choose me to tell.

So during theses lockdowns my mum has been attending EMDR therapy paid privetly by a charity that support carers, as the nhs mh services wouldn't provide any more therapy!?(i dont understand it) she reached out through text explaining she was sorry she was a bad mum. I replied saying she did everything she could. As i though this was about what happened to me, as i know she blames herself. She continued to text and hinted somthing bad happened to her in her child hood.. i had a sinking feeling

My mum disclosed to me she was sexually abused by her farther. My grandad. And that she was struggling with flash backs and memories since he died two years ago. I told her i believed her and listened to her, and tried not to babble to much, or tell her what she should do. I was extremely nervous, and unsure what to say because this was my mother. I did advise her some techniques that help me with flashbacks and panic attacks as her therapist had not told her how to deal with these or advise her that these will get worse as she does the therapy.

Now i understand my mum will be going through hell. And she knows i am on the other end of a phone if she needs me. But i need to protect myself. Ive been sucked in before by my family trying to clean up messes. And ive ended up being very unwell and ended up being the bad guy. I stood up for myself last year for the first time. My partner was so proud of me. The other issue is im not well atm. Lockdown has triggerd my eating disorder and ive only just began my own therapy to deal with my own abuse. Im doing dbt then i will move on to therapy to deal with the past(it won't be EMDR , it didnt work for me).

And i am a mess this is my Grandad! The person i idolised! I changed my name to mums maiden name to avoid being reminded daily when i wrote out my second name, of the abuse i suffered! Now i have the name of my mothers abuser! This person also stood by me and believed me when i came out about the abuse! I'm angery, I'm upset and the last part of my family that i thought was 'normal' and 'untainted' was all a lie! (not blaming my mum btw)

I am hyperaware of the distress my mum is going though. I know i am privileged that she chose me to confide in. But at the same time i feel very alone. I spot to my mh nurse and my dbt therapist has a message from me to pick up on Monday. But i can't find anyone out there on the internet who has been on a similar situation, or any advice about a parent disclosing.

This is all very recent and my head is still in a spin.
Any response will be greatly appreciated.

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Old 21-03-2021, 06:34 PM   #2
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Sorry to hear that you are going though this- I can imagine it's stirred up all sorts of emotions for you. You're very right to be acknowledging that you need to protect yourself, whether that means just being aware of your needs or having to take action to direct your mum to other avenues of support when you can't manage; it sounds like you've done lots to help her already!

Did your DBT therapist get back to you? I hope they were able to help you to work out how you want to go forward with this.

How are things going?

We may not see eye to eye, but we can respect each other's opinions and find the truth in them.
Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
we might see each other as imperfect humans, doing our best. ~ Jodi Picoult

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